The clock is winding down. With any luck, I will have given birth by this time next month. I am just now getting used to my life being entirely different from Little Man’s arrival, and now things are about to change all over again. But more on that later…
It’s funny how pregnancy is so long and yet, I feel like I am just now really thinking about the logistics of giving birth and having a baby. I re-watched my first birth video (yes, I have a video of myself giving birth. It’s from a tasteful angle. You could probably air it on the Disney Channel if my first words when he was born weren’t “Holy Shit! Holy Shit!”) and it reminded me of what a physical transformation and feat it really is to birth a child. And that transformation doesn’t stop there. You keep transforming through the first year over and over again and I realized that becoming a parent is a chance to live your life all over again. I don’t mean that in a cheesy, sentimental way like a “Christmas is for the Children!” sort of way. I mean that you figuratively (you like that, George?) re-live all the stages of life in that first year.
Labor and Delivery
You’re a baby again. On the table, screaming and whaling while everyone coos around you saying “shhhusshh shhhhusshhh, it’s ooook. It’s ooooook” but there is no reasoning with you. You’re pooping and peeing all over the place and not only is no one surprised by this, but people are cleaning it up for you and STILL saying that you’re doing a good job. The baby finally comes out and like any tantrum, you go from screaming to smiling and maybe even laughing. You’re a baby. With a baby.
Postpartum
You’re a toddler. Everyone is just so proud of you! “Look how good you are walking around!” the nurses say. “Now, do you think you can pee? Why don’t you try to pee?” (My nurses even sat beside me, coaching me along. “Do you want me to turn on the water? Would that help?” I nodded enthusiastically. When I could finally do it, I showed them with such pride. “See! I did it! I can pee in the potty!”)
“I can’t believe you made that!” You show your baby off like a piece of artwork in craft time. Like a new toy, you hold onto your baby tightly and check on it obsessively. You toss and turn in your sleep. You cry in the middle of the night. You eat from a tray in the hospital and drink OJ out of a small plastic cup. You describe your pain via a Smily Face chart. “I’m mean-faced smiley face right now.” You’re a toddler. With a baby.
Life After the Hospital
You’re a child. You cannot do ANYTHING for yourself. Your mom does everything for you and you don’t even fight it anymore. You just sit on the couch and say half sentences like “more water please!” If you drop something, someone is there to pick it up and give it back to you. Everyone puts up with the emotional basketcase that you have become but it is not really cute anymore and it’s getting on everyone’s nerves. The SMALLEST things entertain you. “He smiled at me! Did you guys see it? He JUST did it. Oh my god, he’s asleep with his hands over his head! Everyone look at this!” Finally, you fall asleep in the most random places and everyone is just so relieved that you actually passed out that no one even tries to move you. “Shhhh. Just let her sleep.” You’re a child. A small child with a baby.
1 Week Post Partum
You’re a teenager. Just super hormonal and bleeding everywhere. You can’t even wear tampons. You have to wear big ugly pads and you are convinced that everyone can see them through your pants and that they just KNOW you are on your period. Your boobs hurt. You’re getting used to this new body and feeling self conscious AF. You want to eat healthy but you’re crying into your ice cream bowl every night. And you are so in love with this baby, it feels like the first time anyone has ever been in love. You snap selfies of you and your baby everyday. You’re a social media queen now. You ARE a teenager. With a baby.
6 Weeks Post Partum
You are blossoming into womanhood and there is only one thing standing in your way of crossing that threshold: sexual activity. Your husband knows what your doctor is telling you at that 6 week check up appointment. She’s going to tell you that you are clear for physical activity. ALL physical activity. And just like your first de-flowering experience, the guy is ALWAYS more excited about it than the girl. “Will it hurt?” you ask your more experienced mom friends. “Its… different” they say cautiously. “It gets better with time.” You bite the bullet and begrudgingly follow his lead into the bedroom and just pray it will be over soon. And it is over so soon. You’re a woman now. A sexual woman with a baby.
Back to Work
Finally, you are a mom. It took a long time to get here, but you finally made it. Your pants fit differently. You have food on your clothes before you have even eaten. You are older than you have every been in your entire life. And you are so aware and somehow everything makes sense even though nothing makes sense. With that knowledge comes a smugness that you need to keep in check when you talk to other mom’s-to-be, because you want to tell them everything because this journey is so fresh. You just lived your whole life again creating this new life, but you don’t want to spoil it for others. It’s their journey to go on, not yours. And that’s ok because…
6 Months Later
You are a senior citizen. You go to bed by 8pm. You actually laugh at greeting cards and Family Feud. Everything hurts all the time. You’re just so tired. But most importantly of all, you have severe memory loss. You forgot why you walked into this room in the first place. You forgot what day of the week it is. Most importantly, you forgot how hard pregnancy, labor, and birth are because…
You want to do it all over again.
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