How Far Along Are You?

I’m in the home stretch.  I am so close yet so. far. from having this baby.  I feel like qualifying it by weeks or even number of days doesn’t do it justice because it just doesn’t describe the level of pregnant that I am.  So, here are some other ways to count how far along I am:

I am pregnant enough that I have to gain inertia just to get out of bed.  I have to roll onto one side and then Alley-oop it over just to get enough momentum to get my feet on the ground.  Either that or I slither out of bed and onto the the carpet, but getting up is much harder this way.  It all depends on how much I have to pee.

I’m pregnant enough that I am convinced I am going to pee my pants every 2 hours and the amount of fluid that actually leaves my body is so disappointing.  It’s like an old man with an inflamed prostate trying to pee, except I am still probably more uncomfortable than he is.

I am pregnant enough that a “healthy day” is when I only have lunch dessert and dinner dessert.

I am pregnant enough that my phone started auto-completing the word Kebabalicious (BEST KEBABS EVER) before I have even finished typing KEBA.  My phone doesn’t even know when I’m trying to swear yet. iPhone, I am NEVER trying to say Duck, OK?!  YOU KNOW ME BETTER THAN THAT!

I am pregnant enough that my muscles and joints feel like I have just done 2 hours of Crossfit when in reality, I have just been standing for 10 minutes.

I am pregnant enough that when I drop something on the ground, I moan in such a way that my coworkers think that I’m going into labor.  “Are you ok?? Is it time??”  “No,” I reply.  “Just dropped my fork again.”

I am pregnant enough that my nose and ears have actually started gaining weight.  Like, they have aged 5 years or something.  How does someone’s nose get fat?  Probably by doubling-down on desserts.

I am pregnant enough that for a while, I thought the bags under my eyes were because I was not getting enough mascara off my eyes at the end of the night, but it just turns out that my face just looks like this now.  The bags are not from make-up.  They are just from being an old mom who wakes up and pees all the time.

I am pregnant enough that when the baby moves, it’s not cute anymore.  He is launching a full-blown assault on my body in there.  Its like a puppy in a tight pillowcase just trying to crawl his way out. People who watch it are like “oh God!  Get that thing out of there!”

I am pregnant enough that all animals in my house want to share in the warmth of my body, which now contains twice the amount of blood mass.  They are like animals in the forest surrounding a passed out sleeping beauty, except instead of giving her space, they try to sleep all over her.

I’m pregnant enough that even though food is the only thing that satisfies me, it never satisfies me enough.  In the 1st trimester, I would be so hungry but no clue what to eat and nothing sounded good so I would end up barely eating anything.  Now, I feel entitled to do-overs.  I didn’t care for that sandwich.  I should just keep eating until I find what makes me feel better. Can I see the menu again, Miss?

I am pregnant enough that I mean it when I say that this is the last time I will ever be pregnant again.  I’m serious!  I am too old for this.  I am an old woman, waddling around in flats and comfy clothes and whining about my back all the time.  I’m worried that my torso will be like a cheap shirt that has been worn too many times and unlikely to go back unto its original shape.  I’m worried that my backside, which was once my best ASSet (GET IT!) will always look like two flat pancakes and that my boobs are going to be next.  I’m worried that I will never get my back in alignment again because my center of gravity is forever changed.

So since this is the last hurrah, I’m going to keep doubling-down on my desserts, make everyone pick up my forks when I drop them, and invest in some serious prenatal/postnatal massages because as we all know, the gravy train of positive attention is about to come to a screeching halt so I gotta get mine while I still can!