Ever since I became a mom, my Facebook news feed has changed drastically. Ads that were once lush with restaurant recommendations and boutique clothing stores are now almost entirely geared towards raising tiny humans. Recently, I fell for a clickbait article on Romper called “22 of the Most Genius New Baby and Toddler Products on Amazon”. Then, of course, the tagline read “#7 blew our MINDS!” Ok first off, can we just stop this? No one’s mind is blown away. How simple have we become if the sight of a bath toy blows your mind? If I found out that the author was 2, then yeah, that adds up. Second of all, you do not need 22 baby products. You THINK you need 2,220 baby products, but I am here to tell you that you don’t. Now, while I did find some of these products helpful (Adjustable car seat for all my rear-facing peeps out there) most of these are complete garbage town. So, if you’re an expecting mom and feeling the pressure to buy all the things, let me steer you away from these “mind blowing” products:
- A bath divider for your toddler
In terms of parenting, bath time is an activity that requires the most amount of continuous attention, you know, to avoid accidentally drowning your baby because of Facebook. So, it makes sense that companies create products that make you feel like you’re keeping your baby safe in the bath. This product, however, is not it. If you have a standard-sized porcelain tub and feel anxious about your toddler sliding around during bath time, this storage basket provides an ideal solution reads the blurb. Here’s the thing though: it doesn’t actually prevent your child from sliding around in the tub because it is just a STORAGE BASKET. All it does it go across your tub and hold all the bath time toys someone convinced you to buy. If you really want to keep your kids stuff in arms reach and keep them from sliding all over the place, put your baby in a laundry basket. The water naturally leaks out, your baby stays upright, and the toys are always accessible. Side perk: you get to clean your laundry basket. Win, win. - A No-Slip, No-Tip Bowl that Encourages Independent Eating
Oh boy. Ok. Where to start. So… your child will always be messy. Always. There is not a meal they will eat before the age of 4 that won’t end up all over the table and the floor. It’s never going to happen. I could place my child into a large farmhouse sink and serve him dinner inside of it and food would still find its way onto the floor and counter. Their ability to tip the bowl is not the problem. It’s their grubby little hands that are the problem. You would have better luck with a product that puts food into a muzzle around their face than any “no-tip” product out there. (strongly considering creating this btw) So, avoid the disappointment and submit to a life of picking up sticky oatmeal off of the floor. - A Natural Source of Relief for Babies Suffering from Gas and Colic
Fart stick. This is a fart stick, you guys. Let’s just call it what it is. The Windi is inserted in the same way as a rectal thermometer and provides quick relief by stimulating a muscle responsible for gas release. FART. STICK.
Now, this product is unsurprisingly made by the same people who brought you the Nose Frida, which my friends have sworn by. (If you’re not familiar, it’s a snot straw) These sickos might be onto something, but at the same time, fighting colic is a losing battle. First of all, gas and colic are the usual suspects every time your baby cries. “Uh oh! He’s crying again? Is he hungry? No? MAYBE IT’S JUST GAS” This well-intended statement haunted me for the majority of the infant stage as we were constantly troubleshooting why our kid was crying. We practically became stakeholders of Gripe Water. My Little Man will likely win the Tour de France with all of the bicycle kicks we’d make him do. When they are fussy, they are just fussy, and I guarantee that shoving a fart stick up their behind isn’t going to stop them from crying. Fight the urge to buy unnecessary gas products and just get used to feeling guilty about why you can’t make your child happy. - A Powder Coated Steel Diaper Basket that Keeps Odors Away
News Flash: poop smells. Doesn’t matter what kind of steel trap you put it, once you open it to put in another poopy diaper, that stank is going to come out. There is not a contraption strong enough to prevent an odor free diaper situation. As someone who has a knock-off diaper genie that we got for $30 (more than half the price of this product), the cost doesn’t end there. You have to keep buying the product specific bags over and over again. All so you can throw them away and buy more. Just woman up and take your trash into the trash bin every night or invest in some Fabreeze Plug-Ins. - A Mesh Bag Feeder that Delivers One Bite of Food at a Time
Here’s the thing: I bought one of these for my first born, so I am guilty of falling for this trap. While there are some serious pros, like how putting frozen fruit in there can be soothing to a teething baby, there are a lot of cons. First of all, it’s a pain in the ass to clean mashed up fruit from the inside of this mesh bag. It never really felt clean to me. Second, once kids are ready to eat food, you’d be amazed how much they can put away. The whole “one bite at a time” is the worst part of this sell. Who wants to clean and reload this thing after every bite? Finally, it’s so messy. Fruit just runs down their face and onto their clothes all while they are slinging it back and forth and getting more food splatter everywhere. Just buy them a plastic teething ring if they’re cutting teeth and if you’re worried about them choking, just give them tinier bites. - Finger Puppet Toothbrushes that Will Make Your Little One Love Brushing
Are we gamifying everything? Why do we keep trying to make childhood so enjoyable all the time? Not every single activity they do needs to be drenched in color and song and fun. It’s just brushing teeth! It’s not supposed to be fun. It’s just necessary. Just, go brush your teeth, kid. End of story. No wonder why these poor kids grow up with the attention span of a fruit fly. Also, how long is this going to be fun before it isn’t? Anyone with kids can tell you that you have a good 1.5 weeks with a toy before its old news. You got 10 days of these germ-ridden finger puppets before it’s boring. Then they REALLY won’t want to brush their teeth because its not fun anymore. Just do what I do and use brushing teeth as leverage for a bedtime story. It’s amazing how early you can start threatening your kids, you guys. It’s the most effective parenting weapon I have. - A Detachable Drink Pod that Keeps Drinks Accessible
“Oh, that’s a good idea!” you’re probably saying. But you’re wrong. I can see why you think it’s a good idea as you think about all the times your kid wants a bottle and you’re not in the position to reach it for them. This could be the solution! Except it’s not. Do you know what a kids second favorite thing to do with a bottle is? Throw it. They throw it on the floor so you can pick it back up. They will not simply put their bottle in this little cup holder that you went out of your way to buy and place on the side of the shopping cart. They are going to throw it on the floor because they love having constant power over you. “Fetch, slave” they say to themselves as you bend over once more. “I am the captain now.” If you want to really avoid this, get a pacifier clip, tie it around the bottle and clip it to their pants. Problem solved and it takes up 1/100th of the space.
If you’ve already bought all of these things, don’t feel bad. You’re just doing your best to keep your little one happy. I am just a frugal old woman who is fed UP with all of the stuff and things and the million pieces of plastic I constantly have to wash.
But if you do buy the Fart Stick, let me know how it goes. Asking for a friend.
DailyDebs 