Sometimes, we cannot escape ourselves.
I had every intention of writing a very thoughtful and reflective blog post about 2017 and trying to be more present. There was even going to be an anecdote about putting up the tree in our new house and actually crying because it finally felt like home. It was poignant.
But, we cannot escape ourselves.
Instead, I give you this: My New Year’s resolution is to provide you week-by-week recaps of America’s proudest export- The Bachelor. Obviously, there are spoilers ahead.
We open with a package of Arie’s backstory on Emily’s season because the producers are keenly aware that not a lot of people know who Arie is. In the most dramatic choice ever, they decided to give us a TBT Bachelor from over 5 years ago and not one of the leftovers from Bachelor in Paradise. If you’re new to the franchise, all you need to know is that Emily Maynard AKA Brad’s Emily dumped him to be with the infamous One F Jef. Spoiler Alert: it didn’t last. This recap shows us that Arie’s really in it for the right reasons because he fell in love 5 years ago so he knows this process works. He’s a former race car driver who ditched life on the road for the world of Real Estate. This will become important later.
Sean and Catherine Lowe show up. Sean was on Emily’s season with Arie and ended up becoming the Bachelor and marrying Catherine. When it comes to Bachelor cameo’s, he does this sort of thing all the time. Is it just me or does Catherine never look like she wants to do this shit? Her hair is in a half pony and she barely has makeup on. It’s refreshing, but annoying because she’s definitely getting paid more than my salary for this 10-minute appearance.
Now we get a sneak peek of this “great group of ladies”. (Drinking game idea: have a drink everytime they use language that commodifies women!) If you’re new to this show, you should know that we only waste time on pre-taped bios of girls that make it at least 3 rose ceremonies, so pay attention. Here’s a high-level overview:
- Caroline- Real Estate Agent who thinks she’s a perfect match because they have the same job plus she knows about cars. Nothing sexier than 100% compatibility!
- Bekah AKA Betty Boop. She’s a short-haired nanny who reminds me too much of the copy girl that Ross cheats on Rachel with so, not feeling her for now.
- A series of women with weird M names.
- A blonde fitness trainer who might actually think she’s running for Miss America based on her views on world peace and love of feeding homeless people.
- Hey, remember how much we all loved Raven? Let’s try to recreate that magic with some girl named Tia from Wiener, Arkansas!
Finally, it’s time to get this shit show on the road. Arie arrives at the mansion and Chris is there to give him his obligatory TRUST THE PROCESS pep talk while beefing up his ego about being named The Bachelor. He is essentially a glorified “fluffer”.
The girls exit the limo:
After a few pretty and boring ladies, we meet Chelsea and the music that tells us that she’s a villain/vixen, She also signifies the beginning of a slew of real estate agents. Seinne. Ashley. This will eventually be followed by an arsenal of Lauren’s. It’s almost as if when Arie was describing his type, he mentioned that he once worked with a real estate agent named Lauren that he liked. It reminds me of how on the show Extreme Home Makeover, they would take one idea from the kids favorite thing and overplay it in the room decor. Oh, you like trucks, Tommy? YOU LIVE IN A BULLDOZER NOW!
Tia AKA Raven 2.0 arrives. She’s the one from Weiner Arkansas and gives Arie a little wiener and says that she hopes he doesn’t already have one of those. Perfect joke. FLAWLESS execution. Flies RIGHT over Arie’s head, which gives me concerns about his character.
Krystal arrives AKA Miss America. Oh God, is she a life coach too? She’s like if a motivational poster had vocal fry.
Now it’s time for the dramatic entrances. An Old Ford Mustang pulls up AND ITS COPY GIRL, Bekah. BEKAH! She’s obviously overcompensating for the short hair because anyone who watches this show knows that short-haired women have almost the same survival rate as women of color. Don’t get offended! I don’t make the rules!
Moving along, we meet a Kardashian looking Indian, a few more Lauren’s, and some girl who makes him smell her armpits, which I don’t hate. Smart move putting those pheromones on display like that.
Then we meet Annalise, who dresses up as the kissing bandit because that’s Arie’s nickname. he loves it. He can’t stop touching her and he actually licked his lips at one point. Hard gag.
Oh, look. Another car. An actual F1 car. HOW BOUT DAT. The women start to panic. Time to start attacking one another!
Arie comes inside to greet his “great group of ladies”. Chelsea steals him a nanosecond after his toast is done, The target is now officially on her back. She plays it real cool by deliberately acting mysterious and he falls for it hard. Oh, Arie. You’re too easy. Or is Chelsea too good? Wait, DO I LIKE HER?
Nope, nevermind. F1 chick slides in to steal him away and Chelsea has a giant tantrum. Apparently, she has never seen this show because she can’t believe someone just interrupted her time with Arie. Lady, there are like 30 girls here and Night One is a bloodbath. Everyone knows that.
Britanny gets an unexpected kiss and could almost be considered a top contender for a minute but then she goes on and tells everyone like an IDIOT! They’re all adorned with fake smiles. It’s the best.
Act 5 and they’re all busting out the big moves. Ukulele songs, foot massages, hair flipping.
Kissing Bandit Girl, who is still wearing her mask, is shy about revealing what she looks like because no one knows what the area around her eyes looks like. She played this all wrong because now she has mask marks on her face. Once I went to happy hour after getting a massage and I had a “toilet ring” around my cheeks, so I know how she feels.
It’s time for the first impression rose to be placed on the table and if they could get naked at this point, they would.
Chelsea does the one thing she was complaining about other people doing and goes in for the interruption. This is clearly the right move because THE KISSING BANDIT STRIKES AGAIN! Arie plants a big one on her and she comes back smiling like the Grinch.
Arie and Bekah have a cute convo on the car. She’s the dark horse. She’s the fun normal girl all the romcom’s tell us we should like but all the guys are too busy looking at the busty blondes.
But the Bachelor lords have other plans for Arie. It’s time to hand out the First Impression rose. He pulls Chelsea aside and gives it to her. Villain status activated.
The Rose Ceremony:
All the Lauren’s painfully wait for him to say their last initial and besides that, there isn’t much drama. We catch a few close-up shots of women we have never seen before in an attempt to wonder if they’ll be chosen. They aren’t. The saddest rejection is Jessica AKA Dead Dad Girl. Her dad met him before he died and he told her Arie was a good guy. Arie, I don’t blame you for dropping her. Stage 5 clinger, if you ask me.
Also, dear God, this ceremony wrapped up in the early AM because poor Jessica is LEGIT doing the walk of shame in the early morning sunlight.
The other girls have to suffer through exit interviews as well. I’m so disappointed in their behavior. Do you cry at first dates that go poorly? Do you cry when the guy you talked to at the bar for 10 minutes doesn’t ask for your number? Oh, wait, you do? Well, that’s probably how you ended up here in the first place.
And now the producers show us the art of misleading messages through video editing and give us a sneak peek of the season.
Join me next week as we suffer through the first round of awkward group dates and women showing us why we’ll never advance as a species because we always tear each other down.
XOXO!
DailyDebs 
