What a difference a day can make.
Sunday night felt like pre-November 2016. Women of Hollywood stood in solidarity, wearing black to show the unity against systemic sexism and assault. Oprah dominated her DNC Speech Cecil B DeMille award. Hope was in the air for the first time in over a year. It felt like women were universally seen as strong, united, and a force to be reckoned with.
Then Monday happens and ABC airs the Bachelor to remind us that we’re emotionally unstable weaklings that hate each other. Let’s recap, shall we?
It’s allegedly the day after the first rose ceremony. Time for the morning after cocktail to erase any feelings regret these women have over their life choices! Chris Harrison enters, practically tipping back champagne glasses for them, and reminds the women that one of them must become betrothed to Arie or they’ve wasted everyone’s time. The girls can’t stop squealing. Oh, the squealing. We’ve fallen so far from grace.
Becca K gets the 1st one on one. She’s never been on a motorcycle before, which explains why she keeps talking to Arie while he’s driving and doesn’t understand that he can’t hear her. Once they get off the motorcycle, Arie tells her that today is all about HER! Out of nowhere, Designer Rachel Zoe appears with an entire rack of clothes and gowns. Becca cannot EVEN with any of this date. Zero chill displayed. She doesn’t even pretend to care that this is a shameless plug for what inevitably become Rachel Zoe’s Kohl’s line. She even calls it the Best Date Ever, even though they have spent zero time getting to know each other.
A Mexican CIA agent shows up with a briefcase full of diamonds and the squealing continues. Arie still doesn’t know her last name.
Kissing bandit dishes out his signature slow kiss and she actually says “whoa”. Girl, get it together. It’s starting to feel like she’s a contest winner and not a woman on a date.
After flaunting her new rags in front all of the girls, Becca continues her date with Arie over dinner. He finally speaks to her like a human being and we learn some deep things about her (7-year on/off relationship, her dad died, super close to her mom). It’s almost as if Arie is starting to see her as the complex woman she is, but just then, he tells her she can keep the diamond earrings he gave her and surprises her with 2 seconds of gold confetti falling from the ceiling. Confirmed: She is a contest winner.
Krystal gets the second 1:1 date and he surprises her with a private plane ride back to his hometown of Scottsdale, Arizona. He takes her to his old high school. She tells him she was an art “nerd” except there is no way she was actually a nerd. She was one of those cute girls that would say things like “OMG you guys, I’m such a major nerd! I love Harry Potter!”
He takes her to his house and makes her look through all of his old pictures and even old home videos. He’s acting like he’s embarrassed but you know he watches this shit all of the time because he is really into himself.
The date concludes with a surprise trip to his parent’s house. More on this later.
Things get deep with Krystal and she had a rough go at it growing up. She has a homeless brother and her parents were nonexistent. We can already see the differences in how he treats women he is attracted to (Becca K) and women he respects (Krystal). Stuff and things for Becca. Conversations and old movies for Krystal. Ladies, take note of this difference.
“I have one more surprise for you,” says Arie. Ok, ladies. If you’re ever on the Bachelor and he says “the night isn’t over yet. I have one more surprise”, you’re either getting fireworks or a band will sing for you while you make out in front of them. In this instance, it’s a singer-songwriter I’ve never heard of because of my aging. Overall, I give this date a 9 out of 10.
I miss the intro to the next segment because apparently there is a football game on and I get downgraded to the TV in the basement, but I assume the date card said: “WHO WANTS TO GET T-BONED!” Because it’s a demolition derby date.
Annalyse is freaked out and explains that she didn’t like bumper cars when she was 7 because they were loud and scary. She starts crying and Arie consoles her. Someone says “I just don’t think that crying is the best way to get 1:1 time” and she’s wrong. On the Bachelor, it is the ONLY way to get 1:1 time during these first few dates, but you must use those tears wisely and a sad bumper car story is not tear-worthy.
We cut to a montage of the derby and Sienne won. She takes a victory lap. A girl after my own heart. Arie brings her up to the winners’ podium and makes her drink Milk because it’s “tradition.” Is this like a White Power nod? I’m concerned now.
They get back to the mansion and let the HUNGER GAMES BEGIN! Much to the chagrin of others, Chelsea swoops in right away for some time with Arie. Bibiana then declares that she doesn’t want the drama which means she is definitely going to cause drama.
This is the date that all the woman throw up all of their backstories in 2 minutes or less. Hi! Can I steal you? I’m a mom. HI! Can I steal you? I went to Yale and it was hard! I wonder if they have to prep the bachelor on how to listen to women for 5 straight hours because this looks exhausting.
OH LOOK, BIBIANA STARTS THE DRAMA! She’s frustrated that she’s not getting any time with Arie. She’s done, you guys. DONE. Storms off, but doesn’t actually storm off because she’s back just in time to watch Sienne get the date rose.
Cocktail Party:
Krystal and Bibiana spar over Arie because Krystal keeps stealing him away and Bibiana thinks everyone should get “equal time” (Socialist, AMIRIGHT?). When Krystal interrupts Bibiana’s only conversation with Arie, Bibiana doubles down on the Latina card and reads her like a book. It’s almost charming, but then she said “Mic Drop” on herself, which is kind of like giving yourself a nickname.It’s just not authentic,
Circling back to Krystal constantly stealing Arie away, I actually like this approach. In what real-world scenario would you be flirting with a guy at a bar and then look around and make sure that all the other hot girls also had a chance to talk to him as well? You wouldn’t. You SHOULDN’T. But the reality is when she says “did you miss me?” she sounds needy. It’s off-putting but can we really be mad at Krystal? I mean, he DID introduce her to his parents on their first date. Isn’t THAT the off-putting thing? Don’t let the cute background music misdirect you. That was a weird, potentially needy thing to do on a first date. So, of course, she thinks she has this in the bag and wants to get as much time as possible.
Rose Ceremony:
These early ceremonies lack a lot of suspense because, for the most part, we don’t care about these women yet. The last rose is given and Oh lord he chose Bibiana. And by HE I mean all the producers chose Bibiana because she’s obviously ratings gold confetti.
Rejected Jenny cries really hard, harder than she needs to. She walks out without saying Goodbye and when he stops her outside, she says she’s really just sad that she’s leaving her new girlfriends. COLD. AS. ICE! But maybe she’s actually the only one speaking her truth here. In conclusion, maybe women don’t hate each other after all. And we’ve come full circle.
Stay tuned next week to see if my prediction of at least 3 girls crying comes true!
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