Happy 3rd week of January, everyone! How are we doing with our resolutions? Anyone off the wagon yet? Are we still going to the gym? Overall, I’m doing well, but if I’m honest, I strongly relate to some nameless contestant on the Bachelor, who opens this episode by saying she is “emotionally and physically drained.” We’re only 3 weeks into this season. I’m going to need more wine.
We open with a group date. The ladies are taken to a wrestling ring where they will wrestle each other a la Glow, which is an awesome Netflix show you should be watching instead of the Bachelor. Then, actual Glow wrestlers, Little Egypt and Ursula, show up to teach them how to wrestle. I had no idea that the Netflix series was based on real female wrestlers, but these women are some BAB’s as in Bad Ass Bitches and I could watch them all night. Arie is not cut out for this at all. He is a terrible wrestler and he’s completely uncomfortable doing something that he isn’t great at, but he insists he’s looking for someone who can just relax and have a good time. Practice what you preach, bruh.
Meanwhile, these Glow wrestlers are stealing the show and calling girls out left and right. It’s like an episode of Scared Straight, except instead of making sure these women don’t go to prison, they are making these women realize how weak they are for competing for a man. It’s glorious. (PS: If anyone asks me what my leadership style is, it’s Little Egypt of Glow). Little Egypt goes in hard after Bibiana, saying that her mom doesn’t know how to spell because her name is ridic and, wouldn’t you know it, Bibiana has a tantrum. She also BARELY makes fun of Tia and now Tia is crying, too. Millennials, AMIRIGHT?
Tia and Bibiana are missing the great opportunity to make wrestling noises that also sound like sex in front of Arie. Fools. They eventually get over themselves and decide to just have fun with it! Everyone competes and honestly, I’d much rather watch Little Egypt body slam them until they cry some more.
It’s time for the “after party” and big surprise, Krystal steals Arie first. She asks him how she should handle group dates and he says “just be you! If you want attention, just come grab me.” Big mistake, Arie. You just fed the gremlin past midnight. She’ll be unhinged now.
Arie has one-on-one time with Bekah and he just melts right into her. She is really good at Bachelor, you guys. She’s got this down to a science. She is the perfect combination of non-threatening and completely intimidating. If my husband became friends with Bekah, I would legitimately be concerned for our marriage. She’s definitely wife-leaving material.
Solo Dates
Lauren S got a date. The S stands for Social Media Manager. I know nothing about Lauren S. Did she sneak into the mansion and replace a different Lauren and no one noticed?? He’s taking her to Napa. She acts surprised but she should NOT be surprised because the date card said “you had me at Merlot” which every basic bitch knows that it means you’re going to wine country. They go to a vineyard and as much fun as this looks, I am too distracted trying to figure out how I can drink that much red wine without getting wine lips. I’ve only had a few sips while I write this blog and I already have wine lips.
This date has all the makings of a standard Bachelor date, but when it comes time for Lauren to open up, she has word diarrhea. Not just word vomit but full-on explosive diarrhea of the mouth. She goes from talking about her ex-boyfriend to a story about her mom’s eye infection. Tip: no good date includes a story about your mom’s eye infection. Arie reaches for the rose but cuts her loose because he can’t take any more of this shit and neither can we. It’s for the best, girl. He walks her out and now he has to endure a romantic string quartet all by himself.
Group Date 2
The girls get a date card that includes the word RUFF in it and everyone is squealing because of DOGS! Everyone, that is, but Annaliese, who reveals that she was bitten by a dog when she was little. There’s no way the producers take this accusation seriously because they do a ridiculous reenactment of a chihuahua growling at a toddler. Here’s the thing: she probably is traumatized by dogs, but she foolishly wasted her tears on the bumper car story last week, so her credibility is shot.
Not to be outdone by the wrestling date, this group of girls gets to dress up for a dog show. This disaster of an event is judged by Fred Willard from the amazing Mock-u-mentary Best in Show. I am loving this because it’s one of my favorite movies, but if there was a Venn Diagram of people who watch the Bachelor and have seen Best in Show, it’d probably look like a pair of tits. (Cannot take credit for that punchline. Credit: the late, great Adam Webb)
The group hangs out after the “date” if you can call it that. Now it’s time for each girl to pull him aside and make out. Annaliese is really blowing it and it’s hard to watch, but it’s mainly hard to watch because if I’m honest, she is acting EXACTLY how I would act in this situation. Super awkward. Then pointing out that she’s awkward. Go away, mirror!
When it comes to the girls one-on-one time with Arie, they are all just trying to use their sexuality and make out with him, but no one does this better than Bekah. She is KILLING IT! FFS! How is anyone supposed to compete with that wit! She is exactly what his midlife crisis needs for the next 18 months.
Annaliese lays it all on the table and tells him that she’s anxious that they haven’t kissed yet and he straight up tells her that he doesn’t feel like they’re there yet. DE-NIED! This guy has gone around kissing everyone with a pulse but won’t kiss Annaliese. She gone! She doesn’t even make it to the rose ceremony because she gets some terrible advice from her “friends” who tell her to ask him if he sees a future together and he’s like “naahh” and sends her home.
Can you imagine getting through 2 rose ceremonies with the Kissing Bandit and not getting a kiss? That’s like going to a Globetrotters game and watching them lose to the Generals.
Rose Ceremony
Thank God, we are down to one Lauren so we don’t have to do this last initial bull anymore.
Bibiana doesn’t get the rose. Her storyline definitely ran its course. Arie tells her that she’s amazing, which he has said to every girl that he has cut this week, so maybe he doesn’t understand the definition of amazing?
We conclude with the producers making fun of Annaliese’s fear of dogs until they are literally forced off the air.
Also, if you followed along last week, my prediction of three girls crying CAME TRUE (Tia, Caroline, Bibiana!) I can’t decide if I’m proud or ashamed. What can I say? I’m emotionally and physically drained.
DailyDebs 
