The Bachelor Recap Ep. 4: Young and Wild

Did you guys know that when I was 22, I dated someone 10 years older? I tried to pay little attention to the age difference as possible, but it was hard to ignore that at bars, I was the only one who was getting carded and when he introduced me to his girl friends, they smiled much larger than they needed to, as if silently saying “you’re kidding, right?”

Seeing as how my husband is not 10 years older than me, you can probably guess how it turned out. So why am I bringing this up? Let’s talk about the Bachelor first.

We open up the same way we do every week: with Chris reminding the ladies that many have already been sacrificed before them all in pursuit of being engaged, and if they don’t step it up, they will be sacrificed as well. In lighter news, it’s time to leave the Bachelor House and get this shit show on the road! Specifically, to Lake Tahoe! They can’t spend the big bucks on international travel just yet. We still have to trim some fat. This small trip is exciting enough for them, anyway. Brittany tells us that Tahoe has always been on her bucket list which makes me wonder what other mediocre things are on her bucket list. C’mon girl. Aim higher.

Sienne gets the first date in Tahoe. The girls can’t even wait until she’s out of the driveway before they start making bets on if she’s coming back. The consensus is no, but it feels like they are just getting greedy after Lauren #3 got sent home last week.

Back on the date, we see Sienne and Arie are going parasailing. Ok, it is not the season AT ALL to go parasailing in Tahoe because the season is winter, but it was probably less expensive. It’s like the Boat Party episode of The Office.

They finally get on dry land and Sienne brings up Arie’s favorite subject: Arie. He is really having a great time talking about himself. So, in his opinion, things are going well. Sienne becomes the 10th girl to ask him the insightful question of why he hasn’t loved anyone for 5 years. This date is good only because it isn’t bad. It is a boring and typical bachelor date, including the surprise concert at the end with the paid fans. They are also both terrible dancers. It’s like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes backstage at the Super Bowl festivities.  She gets the rose. 

The 13 girls going on a group date are announced which leaves Bekah for the last 1:1 in Tahoe. Krystal does a really good job at looking excited while she simultaneously visualizes painting the walls with Bekah’s blood. It’s fun to watch people self-destruct.

GROUP DATE
All 35 of the women go into the mountains for a date where they learn survival skills in the wilderness. Who are we kidding with this date? Arie couldn’t survive in the wilderness if he was just glamping. Why do the producers insist on making him seem manly? The dude’s hands are probably callous free.

The first challenge is basically 13 girls 1 cup, where the girls are told to store their pee pee because they might need it to stay alive. Arie gleefully volunteers to try out his own pee and takes a big swig from his thermos. Turns out its apple juice OR SO HE CLAIMS. Next step is eating solid foods, which means eating worms because that’s the stuff romance is made of. At what point is Arie going to start making out with this pee-drinking, worm-eating women? The answer is immediately as he pulls Kendall aside while the worms are still stuck to her teeth to give her a kiss. Kissing Bandit, you dirty son of a bitch.

(I’m also just now realizing the Arie may be the first bachelor that we haven’t seen gratuitous shots of his abs in and as a feminist, I’m feeling slighted by this.  #YesAllMen have to show their torso on the Bachelor if you expect women to do the same.)

They send these girls off into the wilderness with a compass and I’m starting to think its because they want natural selection to take its course. They are given the coordinates for the endpoint and split up into groups to find the “prize location”. Arie’s group gets there first and it’s a jacuzzi with a cabin on the side of the mountain. Arie finally takes off his shirt but he jumps right into the water, which is what I do when I’m having a fat day. This is the most I’ve related to Arie all season.

Night falls and it’s time for the women to take Lord Harrison’s advice and really step it up a notch. Kendal AKA worm eater gets some time with him and their chemistry is actually surprising, considering we haven’t seen or heard from her in weeks. Who is this woman? Oh, that’s right. She’s the taxidermist. She the taxidermist who is now telling him that she brought a stuffed pink bird with her. He tells her to bring the bird to the rose ceremony, probably because he doesn’t want her to be alone when he sends her home.

Krystal is really spiraling out of control with insecurity and it is delightful to watch. She’s trying to sound calm, cool, and collected but comes off as crazy, obsessed, and unhinged. She tries to tell Arie that the girls are out for her, specifically Tia AKA Raven 2.0. Tia also goes to Arie to explain that it’s hard for her as well, but she uses the “high road” tactic of saying “I don’t want to waste our time together talking about other people.” Well played, lesser Raven. She is rewarded with the rose.

Bekah goes on her 1:1 date which is horseback riding. Her parents have to fill out a consent form for the activity but Arie still doesn’t think to ask her how old she is. They make out in a tiny hot tub outside and I’m just waiting for her dad to get home from work and bust in on them.

They get dinner after the hot tub and it’s possible that he catches a glimpse of her high school class ring that says, Class of 2014 on it, because he starts to ask her if she’s old enough to get married. She handles these questions like a seasoned pro, saying “well, of course, I’d be ready if I met the right person and the time was right, but neither of those things has ever happened before so it’s hard to say who and when that will be.” Is it possible that this is a reverse 13 going on 30 thing? Could Bekah be doing a Freaky Friday thing where she’s actually a strong 40-year-old divorcee in the body of a 22-year-old Bekah? I’m not ruling it out.

She finally tells Arie how old she is and he’s like oooooooooh shit. It’s written all over his face. He’s clearly thinking about all the times they made out and realizing that she graduated high school FOUR YEARS AGO! She hasn’t even had one of the B.S 5 year high school reunions. She’s not even old enough to start getting financial requests from her college Alumni association.  

He is officially freaking out. She is doing her best to keep him level-headed but he keeps saying things. My god, she’s like a rom-com writer’s dream. She just says all the right things like what if we do fall in love and at the end of the day I’m not ready to get married? Does not getting married mean it wasn’t worth it? So true, Bekah, but unfortunately she’s dating a guy who’s all like ME NEED WIFE! She eventually wins him over and he gives her the rose.

COCKTAIL HOUR
Chris shows up and I guess it’s the episode where Chris “surprises” everyone by saying that there won’t be a cocktail party tonight, so the girls have no chance at a last ditch effort of winning him over with kisses and lap dances. I’d just be pissed that I dressed up for nothing. If he’s made up his mind, why not just wear leggings and an old company outing t-shirt? It’s all the same anyway.

ROSE CEREMONY
Right as Arie is about to hand out the first rose, Krystal interrupts to ask if they could talk for a “quick second” and if this means that we don’t get to end this episode with the conclusion of the rose ceremony, I’m officially done.
It looks like we will see the end but I already know that this rose will come down to Krystal and a few other no names, specifically Caroline and Brittany. And the rose goes to…Krystal. Of course, it does. Brittany and Caroline are both cut but not as deep as we are cut as audience members because we have to tolerate Krystal for at least 2 more episodes.

PS: So, why didn’t it work out with the older guy? It actually wasn’t because I was too young and wasn’t ready for marriage and babies. I have always been ready for marriage and babies. Just ask my Canadian ex-boyfriend who left me AMIRIGHTNATHAN?? It didn’t work out because HE actually wasn’t ready for those things. He said he was, but what kind of person wants those things and then stands you up on Valentine’s day? So, my prediction is that Bekah will go far and would probably make Arie very happy, but he won’t be able to love himself enough to allow someone so young and youthful to be his life partner. So he’ll blame it on her age, which is exactly what older guy did when he left me on Valentine’s day. But don’t cry for Bekah because she deserves to be with someone who can survive in the wild and be comfortable enough to show his most important attribute: his abs.