Sometimes, you just gotta take a step back and really check yourself.
My company partners with a gym in Columbus and about 30 of us are participating in a “Check Yourself” clean eating challenge. Essentially, you eliminate sugar, alcohol, grains, and dairy from your diet. It’s a baby Whole 30. I decided to join because as much as I’ve been working out lately, you can’t outwork a bad diet. As I write this, I am on Day 2 of this challenge, and I’m not going to lie: the urge to pour a Bachelor sized glass of wine in strong. Especially as I hear one of the girls make the following statement:
“We’re about halfway through this process…”
Dear god, give me strength.
This week, the girls are forced to get to go to Ft Lauderdale, Florida. Arie shows up to the girls’ hotel room in a bathing suit and I’m not surprised at all that he has skinny legs, which may or may not be hairless as well. Chelsea gets the first one-on-one date and the girls are just excited that they get an afternoon without Chelsea. Arie takes her on a yacht where they drink champagne. They make their way onto jet skis and engage in a heavy make-out sesh on one of them. Since the producers have strategically put a telescope on the balcony, the rest of the ladies get to watch in disgust. No one is better at manipulation than a producer who works for the bachelor.
The date concludes at some car museum because Florida is full of old people. They sit down for some dinner that they’ll never eat. Seriously, it’s just sitting there. So perfectly presented and for what? They toast their wine glasses as well but barely even touch the booze again. What a waste. What a beautiful waste.
I honestly miss a lot of what happens next because I’m too busy thinking about all the things I would do to that dinner plate, but when I come to, it sounds like Chelsea has some bad baby daddy drama. They were together for 7 years and after their baby was 6 months old, he ditched her for another woman and left her with nothing but her belongings in a trash bag. She says “he was someone who was older and very successful and wanted to mold me into the kind of person he wanted.” Oh, Chelsea. You’re so close to being self-aware and realizing that you are falling for the EXACT SAME GUY. Obvies, she gets the date rose.
GROUP DATE
The girls go bowling because the producers obviously relied on old Floridians for ideas on what to do. The girls will get into teams and compete to win more time with Arie, otherwise known as the entire premise of this show. There’s a bunch of blondes on one team (Krystal) and some brunettes on the other (Bekah). Bekah’s team doesn’t even come close and Krystal’s team wins the extra time. Krystal is in rare form, going from humble bragging to actually bragging to praying and giving toasts. This is an under medicated situation happening in front of us. I’m pretty sure she’s taking in too much sea air and not enough antidepressants. Level out, girl. No shame in that mental health game!
Then something interesting happens. Arie decides that EVERYONE’S a winner and allows both teams to stay. Let’s face it: If Bekah’s team had won, he would have had no problem sending Krystal’s team home. As you can imagine, this doesn’t go well with Krystal, who apparently had an emotional break down on the bus ride home. She’s upset that Arie didn’t keep his word and that makes him a liar JUST LIKE HER DAD! Krystal is reaching rabbit-in-boiling-water crazy. At the hotel, she comes out in her robe instead of her outfit and she says her bags are packed. She seems like the kind of girlfriend who threatens to kill herself if her boyfriend forgets to order Stevia in her Venti Soy Latte. Do you even KNOW me anymore, Peter??
The girls settle in for a fun date in the lobby of a hotel. They don’t hold back at all to throw Krystal under of the bus for her bad behavior, but it backfires because now he leaves the date to see Krystal. I’m actually shocked we don’t find her throwing all of his things off of the balcony. Instead, she’s all like “nothing’s wrong. It’s fine. I’m fine. IT’S FINE! It’s just that…” Girl, use your words.
Arie has to tell the LIFE COACH how to handle conflict. Meanwhile, my son who won’t go to sleep wants to know why the girl is upset with the man. I tell him that it’s because she had a tantrum and she didn’t apologize. And my son, who’s 4, said, “but she needs to say sorry if she was mean.” And he’s 4. Arie cuts the convo short and heads back downstairs to smash his mouth hole into other mouth holes.
The date continues. He gets time with Baby Bekah, Taxidermist Kendall, and Becca with the good hair, who gets her face grabbed a lot before they make out. Lauren B gets some time with him and their conversation is like if Tinder met speed dating. Wait, is Tinder speed dating?
Krystal decides she still didn’t get enough attention and crashes the rose ceremony. Bekah throws some Jedi mind trick shit and convinces Krystal that she is a hypocrite since she’s doing the same thing she got mad at Arie for doing (saying one thing, then doing another.) How is this 22 year old the smartest one here? It works and Krystal goes back upstairs.
Arie gives out the group date rose and I’m not sure why he feels like he has to announce two to three women that he really liked before giving it to the winner. He’s really bought into the fact that this is a reality show. I’m too busy rolling my eyes to see who got the group rose, but it feels like it went to a blonde.
Tia gets her date and they are going on a Swamp. They find a home in the Everglades that some old man built and instead of being scared away, they think it’s romantic. They eat frog legs and we find out that Tia kills frogs with her bare hands. Then they make out. CUTE!
Tia does the math and realizes that if she doesn’t start dropping L-bombs soon, she might not make it to hometowns. They talk about futures and faith over dinner. Here’s the thing: there is no way that Actual Raven didn’t give Lesser Raven the blueprint on how to win the Bachelor. She finds a way to tell Arie on their first date that she’s falling in love with him and it doesn’t seem psychotic. I repeat: This is their first date. I blame her disarming southern accent. Can you imagine someone from Wisconsin saying that on a first date? “Arrrrrie. Eyeee think I’m fahhling in luv with you.” Done. She’d be done.
COCKTAIL PARTY
Krystal must work for the Trump administration because she spins the hell out of what happened the other night when she had a meltdown. She says that she wasn’t hiding in her room but rather, investing in herself. Alternative facts. When she sees the girls, she says she doesn’t want to have a confrontation. She doesn’t want the drama, you guys. BUUUT, if they ARE going to have drama, she wants to do it one on one with the girls. Taxidermist Kendal says that she got upset when Krystal got upset because Arie was upset! Tia decides to join in on the fun and tell Krystal that everyone hates her. Then, they get interrupted by Bekah, who wants to throw her 2 cents in as well. All of these women miss every opportunity to say “Hiiiiii! Can I steal you for a second??” Get some wit, ladies!
Krystal finally gets a chance to pull him aside and lay on the charm. She pulls out all the stops, saying that the bowling alley date reminded her of her broken childhood and that’s why she got so upset. Because of triggering. Arie isn’t having this shit and says “well… That was still crazy though.” He is almost effective in signaling to her that their relationship is on the rocks, but then he makes a CLASSIC guy mistake. If you’re one of 3 guys reading this, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. See, in this moment, he’s carefully trying to cut her loose, and she’s desperately trying to hang on. Therefore, ANYTHING positive Arie says in this conversation will ONLY be heard as good news. He starts by saying “if you think this is hard now, it’s going to be 10 times harder out there” (meaning off camera). Ok. Ok… nice start. But then he says “If you and I make it to the end…” Don’t even know what he said after that. All she hears is “you and I make it to the end”. Even if he actually says “if you and I make it to the end… which we won’t because this is over”, she would still only hear that he loves her and wants to be with her. Even when she swoons and says “awww! Our first fight!” and he responds with “it could be our last fight”, all she is thinking is “HE SAID OUR!”
ROSE CEREMONY
3 girls are getting eliminated: Maquel, Marikh, and Ashley. Krystal lives to ruin another day because Arie might be legitimately worried she’ll kill his dog if they break up. Hopefully, next week will be her last because we are honestly not spending enough time talking about Taxidermist Kendall, who has clearly said that she would eat people if she was living with a cannibal tribe. She packed a dead bird in her carry-on and would eat people, you guys. I need more time for this!
Join us next week when the girls go to Paris which means they’ll be served up even more delicious food that they won’t eat all while I try to climb through the television to do it for them.
DailyDebs 