Can I be real with you? When I write this blog, I try to type my thoughts in real time as the show is airing. I try not to stay up much later than 10pm and commit to “freshening” it up on Tuesday. Then, on my lunch break or before I go home, I write the intro, segueys, and conclusions. I try to be witty as best as I can be. But today, for the first time in a long time, I gave blood to the Red Cross and I’m not gonna lie, you guys, I’m feelin’ a bit of the woozy air! Along with these feelings of listlessness comes a complete lack of creativity. So, let’s just pretend that I came up with something really insightful that ties this whole thing together and just get on with it, shall we?
The ladies arrive in the beautiful Tuscany region of Italy. The Bachelor might not always be successful in creating lasting relationships but one area they do succeed in is making me want to travel the world. Chris greets the ladies, gets them excited about being in Italy, and concludes by warning them that those who do not give forth their all shall be humiliated with a publicly broadcasted break-up. Also, there will only be roses on the dates and no rose ceremony. Three one-on-one dates and one group date. Game on, ladies.
Everyone is excited but Jacqueline seems cautious. She says she is on the precipice of feeling real feelings for Arie or just going home. This is definitely the first time that word has been used in the entire franchise of the show. We do not deserve Jacqueline.
Becca gets the first one on one. Arie picks her up in a Porsche because God forbid they let us forget for ONE SECOND that he races cars. The two tour the tiny town and walk down the cobblestone streets. They drink wine and twirl. It’s like they’re making a music video for a karaoke machine. Arie reveals that he feels the passion in their relationship has been inconsistent, but after a few lip-lock sessions, he feels they are back on track. “As long as this carries through tonight, I could definitely see going to her hometown”. NO PRESSURE, BECCA! Just make sure you are charming and desirable for the next 4 hours and you’ll be fianced in no-time!
Back at the house, Jacqueline is having major doubts. It’s almost like she’s realizing for the first time that she is on a dating show where after spending 5 hours with someone, she is expected to introduce him to her family in a week. It’s like in the Matrix when Neo takes the red pill. She confides these feelings of conflict to Kendall, who is like, “Man, that’s tough. YOU SHOULD GO HOME, THO”. Kendall has obviously taken the blue pill.
Back on the date, Arie and Becca sit down to talk. She says that he’d be the first boyfriend to formally meet her parents. She actually can BARELY say the word Boyfriend. She goes, “You’d be the first guy that I’d officially say ‘Hey, parents, meet my boyfr….this guy I really care about”. You can see the moment she starts to say Boyf and then hears herself say it and realize how completely ridiculous it sounds. Though her subconscious is telling her this guy is NOT your boyfriend, her Bachelor-influenced brain is telling her to say that she’s falling in love with him. Arie’s eating up all these positive affirmations. He gives her the rose. This poor guy now has to go to Minnesota.
The next date card arrives it goes to Lauren B(oring). This is a huge shock to everyone since Lauren just had a date last week. The girls can’t believe it and all chime in why it’s crazy that someone actually gets to spend consistent time with the person they are trying to marry. Jacqueline tries to participate in the conversation but she’s too in her own head. She goes to Arie’s room to break up with him. Arie doesn’t take rejection well. He looks blindsided. Here’s the best part: Jacqueline takes a break from breaking up with him to drink some of HIS wine. Where has she been all season? She then goes in for one more make-out session and honestly looks like she could just ride him right there. We all know that if cameras weren’t there, shit would be going down right now. She even kisses him all the way up until she walks out the door. You gotta get all you can out of kissing bandit. Get it, girl.
1:1 Date
Lauren’s date begins and now I see why Arie likes her: she’s got a rockin’ bod and she’s gorgeous. Still, good looks don’t always mean good personality. They repeat the kind of date where they just look at stuff and don’t talk. This date is even more painful than the first date. He should just cut her loose now but he insists on seeing if things pick up at dinner. Man, his love connection bar is so low. He really wants to make this work and he tries to get her to open up again. Either they have secretly gone on like 10 dates that we haven’t seen or she’s just really hoping to become the Bachelorette because out of NOWHERE, she says she thinks she is falling in love with him. Um, BASED ON WHAT?? The two hours of silence you just spent walking around Italy? Your date was so awkward that Arie had to make a joke about eating pizza in Italy. At one point, you said that this town looks so Italian. How is this equating to a love connection?? What am I missing?
Arie has a curious reaction to this news. He actually gets up and walks away. This is every girl’s worst nightmare. He better come back with dessert or else she should just get up and walk away. The worst part is that while he’s gone, she can’t even eat the food. It’s torture. He comes back to tell her that he walked away because he was so overwhelmed with emotion and that he’s falling DEEPLY in love with her. I think he walked away because he had too much cheese and need to “let some air out of the tire” if ya know what I mean. Pffffffft. He knows he can’t rip ass in front of a girl as pretty as Lauren.
1:1 Date
Sienne gets her one-on-one date and they are looking for shrooms truffles. They meet a truffle hunter and walk through some fields in order to find fresh truffles. I love Sienne’s shirt but she looks like she’s wearing it backward (and this is coming from someone who once tried a bathing suit backward. In my defense, it was a one-piece). The truffle hunter brings them back to his house to eat dinner with his family because, IDK, we need more Italian stereotypes in this episode? They make fresh pasta and bread and say things like MANGA, MANGA! Sienne gets ambushed with questions about love but there’s a huge language barrier here. Everyone is talking to one another like they are 5 years old. “Yes, falling in love IS good. How you say, fun? We have FUN!”
It’s amazing how many carbs they get to eat at this dinner. And she actually gets to EAT THE FOOD. In my opinion, this is what winning the Bachelor looks like. (Did I mention I’m still on the clean eating challenge? You might notice some major food references as a result). Arie says she’s “fun to hang out with” which means she’s on the brink of being friend-zoned. They leave the family dinner to sit down at another dinner, which is the one where they can’t eat the food. Sienne says that love is a weakness, which I totally agree with BTW. Wrong answer for Arie, though. This conversation is starting to go south. In the distance, a bell tolls. A bell actually tolls right before Arie is about to cut her loose. It goes like this:
Sienne: “I don’t want this to be the end of our relationship.”
Arie: “Yeeeeaahhhhh, uhhhhh…”
He “follows his heart” and tells her he can’t give her the rose. As he walks her out, Sienne is like “uh, maybe you could have given me a little heads up next time, Arie. BEST OF LUCK!”
Her luggage is ceremoniously removed from the hotel room and no one is happier than Bekah. She’s like “ca-ching! Boom, bitches! One more rose up for grabs, WHA-WHAT!” I’m starting to question her intentions here.
Group Date
Kendall, Bekah, and Tia arrive at a beautiful villa. Arie pulls Kendall aside first. When she speaks, everything seems so contrived, for some reason. She’s almost too articulate. I realize now why people don’t like Hillary Clinton.
Next up is Bekah, who is clearly trying to “win” the show at this point. She keeps talking about “going to hometowns” in a way that makes me wonder if she realizes that hometowns mean her actual hometown and not a level in a board game. This rubs Tia the wrong way and has no issue telling Arie her thoughts on it immediately. She does a good job of throwing Bekah under the bus while gracefully steering the conversation back to herself. Then, she tells Bekah what she did and Bekah starts crying. We see a rare black tear. That’s the waterfall of drinking games. See, you think that girls cry on this show all of the time, but in reality, we hardly ever see tears. Just crying noises. The addition of mascara to this tear is what makes it Bachelor gold.
Bekah runs to Arie to show him that she’s crying in hopes that he will take her seriously again. I really hope she makes it to Hometowns because her mom still thinks she’s missing and she needs to know her daughter is OK.
He huddles the girls up on the coach to announce his decision. We were told that there wouldn’t be a rose ceremony, but there Arie is, just handing out roses one by one. I guess it’s not a ceremony if the women aren’t in ballgowns. Makes sense.
The first one goes to Kendall, which is a total surprise. There’s a good chance that she made it this far because the producers really want to see a lot of dead stuffed animals. Arie walks her out and now it’s a two-on-one date. Bekah steps up her wardrobe game because the theme of her dress is nipples. Her nightgown looks like she’s one sneeze away from a strip slipping off and looking like Tara Reid post boob job.
Tia gets pulled aside and she tells him that she’s falling in love with him, but this time, he doesn’t walk out of the room to compose himself. He just gives a completely blank stare. Not a good sign but not a deal breaker either because, and don’t forget this, Arie is boring.
Bekah lays it on thick and tells him to have a little faith in her. She has the confidence of a girl that has never been hurt too badly before. It’s that sweet naivety that we have in our early 20’s that gets beat out of us with each rejection in our late 20’s. She’s a clean slate. A baby clean slate.
It’s time to give out the rose and it goes to Tia. She’s the safe bet. It was probably hearing that Bekah is 22 again that really pushed him over the edge. He walks her to the limo and tells him that everything will work out for him. Her composure lasts 3 seconds because when she gets in the car, she loses it. I realize that we have not had enough crying limo scenes this season. NO ONE told Bekah about waterproof mascara because we get more black tears.
By the way, Arie did exactly what I said he would do. Do I know this show or do I know this show??
PS: if you think for one second I will be recapping the Bachelor: Winter Games, you’re out of your Gat Damn Mind.
DailyDebs 
