Haves and Have-Nots. Some people have cable, some people don’t. I don’t. This typically isn’t a problem because times have changed and you can pretty much get everything you need via Netflix, Hulu, or HBO. When it really sucks is during live events. We have a digital antenna, which for the most part work really well. We get the major networks and know exactly where to place it based on the channel. But every once in a while, we get a really shotty signal, and during last night’s episode of the Bachelor, it felt like we were watching a really scratched DVD. So, I missed a LOT of this episode. In fact, I missed an entire hometown date. Lucky for you, I know this franchise so well that I’m just going to guess what happened and not tell you which parts I watched or which parts I missed. See if you can spot fact from fiction!
Kendall’s Hometown:
Let’s face it: Kendall made it this far for this moment and this moment alone: to see her taxidermy collection. It’s everything we’ve been hoping for, though, there are way more rodents than there needs to be. She has a fun activity for Arie where they get to make some taxidermy of their own. She’s gone through the trouble of laying the dead rat skin out for him so he can make his own stuffed rat. HOW SWEET! She also made him a diorama for them to display their love rats. Oddly this makes me really like her. We would definitely be friends.
They arrive at Kendall’s home, which looks like it was recently made over by some corky couple on an HGTV show. So perfectly staged. Kendall has an identical sister named Kylie. (How pissed were their parents they when they heard about the Kardashians #amiright?) Kylie’s not buying any of this and seems very skeptical of their whole relationship. On the other hand, so does Arie. He says “I’m ready for a proposal, but do you think SHE is? Cause she might not be?” It’s like they are trying to talk each other out of this. In fact, no one in this family seems all that into this relationship. Kendall even says she’s not ready to be engaged at the end of this. I mean, could this outcome be more clear?
They steal a moment outside before Arie leaves. She tells him that she can see herself falling for him. See herself falling for him. This is one step worse than the standard “I’m falling for you”, which is what guys normally say to get out of dropping the L bomb. She could have just said, “I think I might possibly one day like you enough to start having stronger feelings for you eventually”. Same thing.
Tia’s Hometown
She takes him racing in a mud pit. Of course, Arie shows off like a dick because he needs constant affirmation of how good he is all of the time. They wrap up at the race track and head to her parent’s house. We see Tia’s family on the couch by a coffee table which is full of corn dogs and weiners. She’s southern. We get it. Tia tells her parents that they went to Tuscany and her mom is just floored. Jaw to the ground floored. They’ve def never traveled outside Arkansas.
Arie’s brother pulls him aside to play the tough guy, accusing him of being The Kissing Bandit. Obviously, this phrase was a plant from a producer, and you can tell because when he says those words, it’s clear that he has NO idea what he’s talking about. Arie tells him that he didn’t give himself that nickname. No shit, Arie. That’s not how nicknames work.
Dad comes out with the same schpeel and I’m surprised he wasn’t asked to have this conversation with a shotgun in his hand. Arie also asks for permission to propose because I guess he’s on a roll here and her father says yes in the most No way possible.
Outside, Tia says that she’s not just falling in love with him but IN love with him. He says “I’m sorry that I can’t express every one of my feelings to you, but today was such a perfect day.” Oh, really, Arie? Ya sure seemed to say you were DEEPLY falling in love with Lauren B last week pretty easily. Either way, he dodges the bullet of having to say it back and they part ways.
Becca’s Hometown
Arie makes his way to a small town in Minnesota. They meet outside at a park surrounded by falling leaves. It’s autumn in the north and the backdrop is as picturesque as hotel art. They walk hand in hand, but something is off. Becca is quiet and barely looking him in the eye. Arie fears the worst, recollecting how Jacqueline left him suddenly, without warning.
“Tell me what’s wrong, Becca,” Arie pleads. “Tell me now”
“It’s not you, Arie. I swear,” Becca assures him. “It’s my family. They… they just…”
“What is it, Becca, darling.”
“They’re… Amish. Amish Arie. That means…” her voice trails off and her lip starts to quiver.
“Oh my god,” Arie says, the blood draining from his face. “They don’t drive cars, do they. They don’t even KNOW about cars, do they??”
Becca pauses, thinking carefully before she responds. “No, Arie. They don’t. They don’t know a thing about cars. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
Arie buckles to his knees. The betrayal is written all over his face.
“I never wanted it to be this way, Arie! I never wanted…”
“Shhhush,” he says, placing his finger on her lips. They have a long hard cry and embrace. Then they make out and Arie buys her more diamonds and dresses. THE END!
Ok, obviously that was the hometown I missed but I’m sure I was PREEETTYY accurate. At this point, my screen is a full-blown snow storm so I start watching Last Week Tonight with Jon Oliver. But right before I got to bed, the reception has restored itself!
Lauren B’s Hometown:
I come back to see Arie’s conversation with Lauren B’s mom where he tells her that he’s falling in love with her daughter. Bold move dude. She calls him out and says “are you saying this to the other moms too?” He tells her that every relationship is different but the same and yes but also no. He’s struggling here. Arie is not reading the room very well because he asks her for her blessing to propose to Lauren. Her mom looks like she just died a little inside. She’s cold as ice and pretty much says “If that’s what Lauren wants, then that’s what she wants!” So, no then.
Mom and Lauren catch up and she’s giving Lauren the same side eye.
Lauren B: “I feel like I’m falling in love with him”
Mom: Really?
Lauren B: “I just feel like I read his mind and know what he’s thinking, even across a room of 25 other girls!”
Mom: YA DON’T SAY!
Rose Ceremony
Arie is wearing so much bronzer. It must have gotten in his eye because he walks off before giving out the roses. He either doesn’t know who he is going to eliminate or he can’t remember his lines. He comes back in and says he needs to talk to Kendall alone. He is basically threatening her, asking if she’s sure she could be comfortable being engaged at the end of this, which is like in 3 weeks. Then he says “ya know, a lot of other girls in there are ready to get married”. Kendall. Darling. Listen to me. Run, not walk away from this jerk. This guy is showing MAJOR signs of manipulation. It’s clear to me that he wants to end it with Kendall but he wants her to think it’s her idea. This is the kind of guy that kills his wife and makes it look like an accident. Way harsh, I know, but you’ve been warned.
He comes back in. ACTUAL SHOCKER: He actually gives her the rose. Did NOT see that one coming at all. Can we just think of everything he put Tia through? He made her suffer through a 2 on 1 in the last episode and completely mislead her on this date, only to dump her in front of her friends. She is clobbered. Then, he walks her out and HOLDS HER HAND. So many mixed signals. Arie is so completely clueless about his nonverbal communication. Now he’s trying to comfort her by telling her that he has no idea why he’s letting her go. BOY PLEASE!
Good news for Tia: She’s clearly going to be the next Bachelorette. This exit scene is just RIPE for a package in the season opener of Bachelorette.
Next week, Arie takes 3 ladies for a ride on the F train, otherwise known as the Fantasy Suite. Early prediction: he bones all 3.
See y’all next week!
DailyDebs 