First of all, no. I am not going to recap the Women Tell All. I have too much respect for you to do that. I watched it because I don’t have any respect for myself, but I will spare you the play by plays. All you really need to know are the following 3 things:
1) There will be a Bachelor in Paradise and Bekah is going to be on it. Sienne will probably be there too, considering she was brought up to the couch and spent way too much time answering questions about being ready for love again.
2) Arie says “mer” a lot when he flubs his lines and that’s it for me. I officially loathe him.
3) Caroline spilled some tea and said to Arie and the world, “I know what you did and I have no idea how you could do that.” This is hands down the best thing they could have aired in order to keep me the least bit interested in watching the finale. I have seen the headlines for some spoilers that I refuse to read but it looks like Arie might pull a Brad Womack/Jason Mesnick. If you don’t know what I am talking about, consider yourself a better person than I am.
The ladies and Arie are in Peru for fantasy suite dates. Brown Chicken brown cow! (Say it out loud and it makes sense) Kendall is the first date. This is the preferred situations for Fantasy Suite Week. I’d way rather be the 1st one he tries to sleep with than the 3rd. They ride dune buggies in the sand because ARIE LOVE CARS! When they are done, they have a series of awkward physical exchanges, even though Arie says they have “crazy” chemistry. Oh, it’s crazy alright. Crazy that this hot, interesting twenty-something is at all attracted to Arie. She’s smart too! When asked, Kendall says that if Arie proposed to her today, she would say no. Ch’yeah. Good call!
At night, they eat dinner and Kendall reveals that she’s worried that she’ll be just another novelty to him like she has been with other guys. I didn’t even think about the fact that furries might fetishize her for being a taxidermist but now that she frames it like that, it makes perfect sense. Arie could totally be a full-blown furry. He assures her that that won’t be the case, just in time to give her the Fantasy Suite card. The best part about this week of dates is that everyone knows how this goes down. The Bachelor coyly acts like he just stumbled upon an envelope and doesn’t know what’s inside.
“Oh, we got a card. I wonder what’s inside?”
Then, the poor girl has to act like she doesn’t know it’s from Chris Harrison, saying “Should you forgo your individual rooms, you can take this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.” I could recite this from memory. THEN the Bachelor has to put this performance on two more times this week. I wish the Bachelor could evolve enough where it’s just implied that they are adults and if they want to sleep together, they can. Every girl should have the opportunity to say:
Anyway, Kendall says yes and away they go to do the damn thing.
There was once a time where Bachelor merely implied that they would sleep together. Now we have to suffer through the morning after. Their clothes are thrown around the room. They’re making out in pajamas. I’m sure this is intended to show us how “real” this relationship is but let’s not act like Kendall would have slipped out after he fell asleep if she had the chance.
Lauren B’s Date:
How did we get here? Where did this dark blonde horse come from? Lauren B is definitely winning this and I have no clue why. Their entire relationship is like Groundhog’s Day. All of their dates have been *exactly* the same. They involve these 3 tenants:
1)They do touristy stuff where Lauren’s only contribution to the conversation is pointing and looking off into the distance.
2) Lauren gets in her own head and tells Arie that she’s just thinking about stuff but doesn’t really say what.
3) After not really getting to know each other at all, Arie says he’s getting to know her so well and Lauren tells Arie that she loves him.
This date is no different, except for the fact that when Lauren says “I love you” Arie says it back. I guess it pays off to be the silent, mysterious type. I have no clue how to live like that.
Here’s another clue that the producers are trying to get us to really rally behind them as a couple: they make us suffer through a free version of the song “How Do I Live Without You” during their fantasy suite montage. We get the full rom-com treatment, equipped with the wind blowing through the curtains, tiny kisses as they crawl into bed, slow fading shots into a candle. I’m sure reality is a lot more awkward and THAT’S the footage I want to see. When does she pull away because she has to pee? Does he have a condom ready? When do the cameramen leave? Where is this footage?
Becca’s Date:
I forgot about her till now. Arie is definitely way more into blondes. They go on a catamaran and sail by an island full of animals. She says she feels so lucky. She clearly doesn’t know she’s the last girl this week. He asks her how she does with long distance and when she tells him how she does in long distance, he says “yeah, yeah, we talked about that before.” LET HER TALK, ARIE! She makes up for talking about someone else for just one second by telling him that he’s so handsome. Well played, girl. She’s found the way to his heart.
Their nighttime date is eating dinner in a tent in the desert. I’m sure that wasn’t at all uncomfortable or difficult to endure. Becca drops the L-bomb and then HE drops the L-bomb. ARIE! Wtf! He knows he doesn’t have to say I Love You to get laid, right? She gets the worst fantasy suite with a yurt that has a full sized bed in it. That’s it. Not even a queen.
They wake up and this is where it really hits me: where is the bathroom? Where do they pee? Are they waking up and making out with full blown morning breath since there is no sink for brushing their teeth? Then they interview her outside in her robe. At least Lauren B got to look cute in some high waisted leggings and a crop top. Becca doesn’t even get to put a bra on before these producers ask her if they played hide the bologna!
After the date, it’s drama time. A boyfriend shows up because he wants to get his woman back but didn’t realize that this show ended with a proposal. Um, as opposed to… money? We find out that it’s Becca’s ex! SHOCK AND AWE! He confronts Arie, saying that he contacted everyone he knew on the Internets to try to find where they were so he could get her back. He’s probably hoping that he got to him before the fantasy suite date. This is awkward. The ex tells Arie that he’s in love with her and he’s gonna propose to her. Arie does nothing to stop him. He’d play dead in a bar fight if he could.
Becca is surprised and then annoyed to see him. Few things here: 1) His name is Ross. 2) He is clearly the clueless ex-boyfriend that thinks when a girl says she needs space it’s just because she’s on her period. She won’t even let him in her room and he slowly starts to realize that he has completely misread the situation. How could his friends think this was a good idea? Who are the people who said, “Yeah dude, you should just go for it!”? Let’s hold them accountable.
I’m gonna be honest here: I couldn’t even type the play by play because I am just taking this in like a school girl watching Days of our Lives. I live for these awkward interactions and it doesn’t get any better than a botched proposal from an ex-boyfriend.
Becca tells him to move on and asks him to leave. She then goes to Arie’s place to explain herself away. She says that she doesn’t want her ex to taint the experience, then apologizes to Arie. Ok, ladies, listen carefully: don’t you EVER apologize for something that is not your fault. An ex-boyfriend showing up out of nowhere is NOT your fault. Arie is insecure AF and even after she tells him that it’s over and that she has no feelings for him, Arie is like “yeah, but like, what if you leave me?” Someone get him a blanky.
Rose Ceremony
Arie pulls Kendall aside but this time, it’s to let her go. It’s what he should have done that last week but you know he thought Kendall would be “fantasy suite” worthy. She oddly doesn’t even seem that upset. The black SUV of death arrives to escort her away. Kendall, we hardly knew thee.
Stay tuned for next week, which will not only be my final recap but quite possibly, the last episode of the Bachelor I will ever watch again.
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