One Less Thing

It’s the end of 2018 and as we move into a new calendar year, it’s a time for reflection, planning, and of course, the classic End-of-Year Social Media post. In my opinion, there are two types of these posts: Best Year Ever or Good Riddance. Best Year Ever posts are for the lucky and the grateful. These people have typically experienced major life events like getting married, having babies, buying a new house or getting a new car, There’s a high likelihood that they will also use the hashtag #blessed unironically. They might mention SOME struggle in a vague way but it’s overshadowed by how #blessed they are to have had the #bestyearever.

Then there’s the Good Riddance camp, Some years are more prone to this caption than others. We can all agree that 2016 was a Good Riddance year for the musical fatalities alone. People who are ready to throw the whole year away will have accompanying hashtags like #fuck2018 or  #overit. In lieu of a 9-photo collage, their post is usually just one pensive selfie or a yoga pose in front of beautiful scenery.

So, which one will I post? Well, it certainly wasn’t the best year ever, not by a long shot. Where 2017 brought the most stressful events of my life (buying a house, selling a house, moving across the country, hospitalized child, finding a new job), 2018 was the year that those events finally had an impact on my head and my heart. You see, even though symptoms had been there for a while, I finally came to terms with my postpartum onset anxiety and depression. Dealing with this disorder has made me see life through a different lens. Some ways this has actually been beneficial. I’m more analytical and aware. I feel sharp and in tune with my body and my mind in ways that I never have before. I’m very grateful for this.

In other ways, it’s taken so much from me.

Earlier this fall, my mother-in-law asked me what my Halloween costume was going to be this year.

“Oh, I don’t have one,” I said, reluctantly.

“What?! What do you mean you don’t have one? This is your favorite holiday of the year! You HAVE to do something!” She couldn’t believe it and really, I couldn’t either. Why didn’t I plan a costume? I hadn’t even thought about it. In fact, I very uncharacteristically let my kids just pick costumes out from the grocery store this year. No family theme. Nothing funny like we usually do. Just a quick errand to get it over with.

This may seem small, but I imagine people reading this who REALLY know me understand why this was actually the canary in the coal mine.

It’s like this: imagine everything you love, everything that makes you unique, everything that makes you who you are laid out on a table like pieces of paper. Now imagine there’s a small drip coming from the ceiling above and slowly those pieces of paper get wet, Some remain intact but others become saturated. The ink starts to run. The edges start to curl. Some pieces can be repaired. Others start to look ruined. This is what depression has felt like for me. I never know when the dripping will occur and what pieces of paper it will impact.

So, why shouldn’t I label my post #goodriddance? Because pain is important. Growth isn’t easy. As lame as analogies about butterflies are, it’s pretty applicable here. Becoming a butterfly is painful because you actually have to break yourself open first. This is what 2018 has taught me the most. Don’t fear the pain. It’s also taught me gratitude and mindfulness. Those are important things that you can’t just throw away with a few bad events in one year.

Now, what should we do about 2019? Well, for starters, I am going to start making sacrifices. In fact, this year, I’ve decided to give up one thing for every month of the year. I made a list of things that are detrimental to my life and happiness. Some are bad habits, like drinking or eating processed sugar. Others are things that keep me from being mindful, like binge-watching TV or even listening to music. Most importantly, all of these sacrifices will be blogged about, which will reconnect me with another thing that got lost this year: writing!

So, as of midnight, January 1st, I will be giving up my first vice: Social Media. I’ll catch y’all in February with a recap of how it went. In the meantime, no matter how your 2018 went, I hope 2019 really is your #bestyearever.

PS: Feel free to join me in this journey of sacrifice that I am calling #onelessthing. I’d love to hear your feedback too!

PPS: It’s important to love yourself, which is why I chose the picture I did for this post. I think I look good! Another important thing to know is that in this picture, I’m actually really struggling through some serious anxiety. You can’t always see mental illness so be kind.