It is June, my friends, which means we are halfway through 2019. Honestly, no one is more surprised that I have stuck to my #onelessthing challenge more than me. I normally give up these sorts of things pretty quickly but the group accountability has been helpful. Anyone who knows I’m doing this will occasionally check in with me to see what I’m currently giving up. I get a wide range of responses but the common ones are “oooh man, I’d never be able to give up sugar!” “I NEED to get off Social Media”, “I’d never make it a month without booze”. But this month, I got much more negative feedback. One person kindly said “I’m sorry but I just don’t understand why you would do this” and another bluntly stated, “You are a f*cking idiot”. That person is an asshole, but his sentiment spoke to how most people were feeling because, well, you’ll see…
Challenge: No Music!
Rules: The framework was that I couldn’t wear headphones, listen to it in my car, or play anything at home. I was not about to regulate anyone else’s music intake, which means coworkers were free to play songs on the office speakers and I didn’t make anyone turn it off in the car although I did commit to not making musical requests.
Why I cut it out: Of all of the challenges I have done, this one takes the most to explain and makes me feel the most vulnerable, which is crazy because of how transparent I have been about anxiety, depression, and alcohol, but bear with me.
Music is incredibly personal to me. Back when iPods first came out, nothing would be more unnerving to me then when people would grab it to scroll through what songs I had on it. To me, that is the part of my life that is most telling of who I am and how I see the world. The playlists I put together are like pieces of art to me and not everyone is worthy of that art.
I blame Lindsay Demaray. She was my first musical soulmate. This was back in the days where having the ability to download music and burn CD’s from your computer put you in the upper echelons of society. There were kids in high school that would sell mixed CD’s for cash in the hallways between classes. Those quarterly album drops became THE soundtrack of high school parties. (Raise your hand if you personally purchased the SB2K01 mix your senior year).
Of those mini-producers, there were two kinds of people: those who could put a bunch of songs together and those who could artfully craft the perfect mixed CD. Lindsay Demaray mastered that craft. She understood that you gotta get their attention with the first track, slow it down and introduce some new tunes in the middle, break it up with some hilarious audio clips from the Jerky Boys, and conclude with a banger. PRO TIP: if you gave this CD to a romantic interest, the last song should represent how you really feel.
The summer before I went to college, we drove around downriver Detroit and she fatefully played an album I would never forget:
Bright Eyes: Lifted or the Story is in the Soil Keep Your Ear to the Ground
My little emo heart exploded and all I wanted to do was listen to the saddest songs that put into words all of my feelings of angst and insecurity. This love of sad music occurred when I finally had access to high-speed internet and unlimited time in front of my computer. Top it off with a break up with my high school boyfriend and MAN OH MAN was my dorm room a sad place to be. All of the Bright Eyes. The entire Dashboard Confessional discography. Sprinkles of David Grey. Dabble it with some Pedro the Lion. Give me all of Saves the Day. What do you know about The Get up Kids. Just ALL OF THE ANGST YOU COULD HANDLE!
Fast forward almost 15 years and my music library has definitely broadened but one thing still remains: I revel in songs that evoke powerful emotions within me. Whereas most people will tell you that scent is their greatest tie to memory, I feel that way about music. I have this weird ability to recall things if there was a song involved. Whether it’s a great scene from a movie or the soundtrack to a breakup, hearing these songs again will bring me right back.
So, why give that up for a month? Isn’t music cathartic? What is the harm in allowing myself to feel these things? I have a few theories and driving factors that caused me to cut it out, but I’ll only share this: As much as music was connecting me to the past, it was keeping me from engaging with the present. I plug in headphones pretty much wherever I go and while I lose myself in the lyrics, I am letting the world completely pass me by. And since the point of this year was to become more mindful, this felt like a sacrifice I had to try to give up, if only momentarily.
“Sentimental music has this great way of taking you back somewhere at the same time that it takes you forward, so you feel nostalgic and hopeful all at the same time.”
The Results: Even though I will NEVER admit it to the person who called me a “f*cking idiot”, this was hands down the worst thing I have given up all year. All of my theories were disproved. No, I did not actually get more work done. Turns out, zoning out to music makes creating spreadsheets a lot more tolerable! Sure, it was great to actually hear my inner office banter but that definitely made me more distracted and not more focused, as was the hope.
Working out really sucked too! Lots of grunting going on at the gym that I used to not hear on account of the noise-canceling headphones. (Guys, settle down with the grunting. No shame in going down a few pounds if it’s going to give you a hernia to lift it).
Finally, I didn’t actually just let myself ride to work in silence or unwind without audio assistance. Instead, I went all in on Podcasts. And since I should apparently take all of my artistic advice from Lindsey, I finally started listening to My Favorite Murder, which, if a perfect Friday night is sitting on the couch with a glass of wine and a 2-hour episode of Dateline, then you need to listen to this amazing podcast. I can’t believe I held off so long. I am full blown Murderino status now. It consumed all of my time and I feel like I gained 2 imaginary friends.
“So what did you learn?”
“One good thing about Music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.”
Um, FALSE, Bob. I feel SO much pain sometimes.
My main goal was to not use music as the vehicle to wallow. There are songs that I hear that take me back to once happy moments that are now so sad to me. I wanted to give myself a break from stumbling across those memories and focus on the present. As it turns out, catharsis is necessary for moving on. Sometimes, you need to beat the absolute shit out of nostalgia in order to desensitize it from the raw emotions it brings. Denying myself the cruel pleasure of indulging in those moments didn’t help me move on from the memories I didn’t want to confront. Kristen Bell once said that her therapist once said: “you can’t walk 10 feet into the forest and expect to get out in 5”. Sometimes, you just have to be IN it. Music helps me stay in the uncomfortable moments and a good lyric makes me see the world from a new perspective. While I’m proud of my discipline, I’m so happy that May is over and that music is back in my life.
So what was the first song you listened to?
While I heard many songs on June 1st, a perfectly timed Instagram post reminded me of a classic. Lindsey posted a screenshot of Annie Lennox’s song “Why”. I listened to it once, played it a second time, and cried through the third. I needed that cry. I needed that song. I need to move on. I’m thankful for the means to do that now.
“This is how I feel
Do you know how I feel?
‘Cause I don’t think you know how I feel
I don’t think you know what I feel
I don’t think you know what I fear”
So let the music play this month because there won’t be much else to do in my downtime. June’s sacrifice? Movies and TV. STAY TUNED!
DailyDebs 