Against the Grain

WE MADE IT THROUGH THE 1ST QUARTER OF THE YEAR, Y’ALL! A lot of people will say “man, 2019 is just flying by” but those people aren’t giving something up every month like I am. When you abstain from the things you love for 30 days at a time, you feel every single day of the year. As tempting as it is to look at the month from the perspective of “only 10 more days till I can get back online”, I remember a powerful phrase: “don’t wish your life away one day at a time.” That was difficult to do in March as visions of grilled cheese sandwiches and donuts flew through my head…

Challenge: No Grains!

Rules: This one was a little tricky. Basically, I couldn’t eat anything made from grains. This cut out all forms of bread or dough. It also cut out rice, quinoa and couscous and even soy-based products, but mainly bc I don’t really care for tofu anyway.  I gave myself a pass on corn as long as it was JUST corn and not a corn tortilla or cornbread or any other random corn product. I also didn’t get crazy into the details with things like Rye (though everyone seemed to be an expert on grains once I had whiskey or drank a beer).

Why I cut it out: If you didn’t read the launch blog about this year-long set of Challenges (#onelessthing), the point of it is to identify things that have become detrimental to my mental health and wellness and challenge myself to abstain from them one at a time. With this in mind, grains definitely is the #onelessthing that has people scratching their heads. How are grains detrimental to my mental health? To answer that, we probably need to talk about my relationship with food in general.

I love eating. Truly love it. I think about food all the time. I need to know what I am eating for my next 2.5 meals. Just winging it makes me very anxious. I examine the menu hours before I got to a restaurant. This past Sunday, I put together our meal plan for the week (like I do every week) and it took me about an hour. I live for that hour. I love seeing the possibilities come to life and walking away knowing exactly what I’m going to eat that week.

To say that I have a relationship with food is an understatement. We’re so beyond titles. We are one connected entity. The problem, as you can guess, is that being so infatuated with something can be unhealthy, especially when I wasn’t necessarily obsessed with healthy food. ]I have a real problem with snacking and mindless eating. If food is in front of me, I’ll eat it. Don’t put your food in front of me if you don’t want me to ask if I can have a bite. If your plate comes with fries, just be prepared for me to finish up what you haven’t. I can’t be trusted around endless breadsticks or chips. If I’m at a party where there is an appetizer table, that’s exactly where you’ll find me. Just hanging out by the tiny plates, puttin’ out the vibe.

I’m also an emotional eater. I stress eat a lot and I wish I could tell you it was just on fruits and vegetables. When people say “I’m too stressed out to eat” I actually have no idea what they are talking about. Just… eat something and feel better, dummy! That’s where my mind goes. In fact, as I see specialists and doctors about this high functioning depression and they ask me “have you experienced a loss of appetite” I usually laugh and say “no, and once that happens, you’ll really know that I’m in trouble.” It’s definitely a coping mechanism that needs to be put in check.

Also, there are many health reasons to cut back or eliminate grains in your diet, but I’m no expert, so do your own research, consult your physician and don’t blame me if I’m wrong.

“What, what did you eat then”: Let’s break this down by meal. Breakfast actually wasn’t that challenging to make grain-free food  because I don’t normally eat grains in the morning. I did the Whole 30 a few years ago (no grains, sugar, dairy, legumes, or alcohol for 30 days) and it really curbed my breakfast habits. I normally make veggie omelets, sweet potato hash browns, or chia bowls (Chia is a SEED, people). Here is an awesome grain-free Blueberry Omelet (I know, I know, you’re like WHAT? But trust me, it’s SO GOOD)
https://www.stephgaudreau.com/sweet-and-savory-blueberry-tortilla/

The difficult part about breakfast is that I don’t usually have a lot of time in the morning and throwing something on some toast or grabbing a bagel from the coffee shop is just way easier, so planning was key. I also started bringing fresh eggs to work, scrambling them in a coffee mug and putting it in the microwave. Does it make the breakroom smell real bad and alienate you from your coworkers? YUP! But are they suspiciously fluffy and delicious? YUP!

Lunch presented its own set of challenges, especially if I was going out to eat. Most lunch options are wrapped in some kind of bread or over some type of grain like rice. I did manage to go to a Mexican restaurant and eat the queso and guac with some sliced cucumbers and radishes. Can’t pass up on queso! I also had to be that person that ordered a burger without the bun. This is actually a great way to find out of a restaurant has good burgers or not. The flavor can’t hide between a delicious buttery bun. (Also, I am aware that most hamburgers are made with breadcrumbs but I’m not perfect and neither are you!) Again, this really came down to planning and eating leftovers. Most of my lunches were just dinner from the night before or salads. It definitely made lunchtime more exciting when I was heating up a full-blown entrée instead of unwrapping a sandwich. Speaking of sandwiches, here is a super easy pesto chicken wrap that I would make and I would substitute the bread for a collard green wrap. Delicious and nutritious: https://damndelicious.net/2012/10/22/chicken-pesto-sandwich/

Now dinner is where things get hard. As a working parent, I get roughly 2.5 hours a night with my kids before we start bedtime. In that time, I need also need to do dishes, finish laundry, tend to animals, and cook dinner. I’m pretty good about meal prepping and planning something that I can cook in 30 minutes or less, but there are a lot of nights that I eat what they eat. What they eat is usually mac and cheese, or chicken tenders because I am obviously killing the Mom game. Not this month! I always had to make my own meals and doing that at the end of a long day was really challenging. There were definitely nights when I ate cheese and deli meat slices or just a lot of carrots and hummus. There were also a few occasions when someone would order pizza and I would just scrape off the cheese and toppings and eat that. Super attractive.

The Results: The BIGGEST revelation was during in-between meal times. Snacking is a bad habit of mine, especially at work where we often have a fully-stocked kitchen. No more peanut butter filled pretzels. No more bag of tortilla chips. So long, Girl Scout cookies. It was challenging but also an eye-opening exercise in mindfulness. I would feel hungry, realize that there were few things I could actually eat, get pissed for a second, and then move on. Did I really need a snack or was I just bored? Usually the latter.

Second, it would be impossible to do this if I was a vegetarian or vegan. I would shrivel up and die. I would have to live off potatoes and avocado just to get enough calories to get through the day. If you are a vegetarian or vegan and are thinking about cutting grains, you’d probably have to go the substitute grain route and buy things like chickpea pasta or some other replacement, but I personally don’t believe that it would be healthier to introduce all that other processed crap to your diet.

Third, and yes this is entirely TMI but my bowel movements were ON POINT, YOU GUYS! UP TOP! Turns out eating more vegetables will clear ya right out. So instead of investing in Flat Tummy Tea, just eat fewer grains and more veggies. Bloatin’ be gone!

Finally, I didn’t actually do this to lose weight but I did shed a couple of pounds and my skin did seem to clear up a bit. I would probably credit that to eating healthy and natural foods, though. My main rule of thumb was just to shop the perimeter of a grocery store. Most of the items down the aisles are just processed foods or grains.

In conclusion, it was a great exercise in mindful eating and being more aware of what I am putting into my body. I found myself getting pretty bored with food and less of an emotional attachment to it, which is a step in the right direction. Unfortunately, with any of these challenges, when I get rid of one habit, another one creeps in, and to satiate my snacking needs, I ended up eating a lot more sweets. Any leftover chocolate or hard candy was not safe around me. Ice cream became a mainstay in our freezer. Dark chocolate had my heart. And that makes April’s #onelessthing challenge real tough because the next thing I’m giving up is…

SUGAR! Stay tuned…

Sober-ish

30 days sober, y’all. Can you believe it? Dry February was a raging success. HIGH FIVES ALL AROUND!

You’re probably saying to yourself “um, it’s February 26th. There are still 2 more days left in this month.” And you’d be correct. Technically speaking, I didn’t abstain from alcohol for the entire month of February, but there’s a good reason. I had a pre-planned trip back to the motherland of Austin and I arrived on National Margarita Day, so I actually started this sober challenge on January 22nd to make sure I still hit 30 days of my #onelessthing. It’s the thought that counts, right?

Also, technically speaking, I didn’t abstain from alcohol for the entire month, but I’ll get to that. Let’s break it down:

Challenge: Abstain from alcohol for 30 days.

Rules: Pretty obvious. No booze.

Why I cut it out: Let’s have a very real conversation about alcohol, ok? Specifically, my toxic relationship with it. In preparation for writing this blog, I thought about the first time I drank. It was hard to recall because it seems like alcohol has always been a part of my life in one way or another. My dad would drink a Manhattan at the end of the night and would let me eat the bourbon infused cherry. On New Year’s Eve, we were allowed to have a sip or two of champagne once we were old enough to stay up to watch the ball drop. The summer going into the 8th grade, my sister and I did a student exchange program in Spain and our host parents let us drink pretty regularly. We even went to bars and clubs and no one batted an eye (Europeans, #amiright?) So, it’s hard to remember my first experience with alcohol but I do remember the first time I abused it.

It must have been the summer going into high school or maybe even after Freshman year, but we were at a sleepover. There were three of us there and once the girl’s parents went to sleep, we raided their alcohol cabinet. I don’t remember exactly what kind of alcohol we ended up with but we poured it into giant plastic cups and buried it in coke. We played a card game where it seemed like the only rule was to chug this drink after any significant action. Then I blacked out. When I woke up in the morning, I had a feeling that would be all too familiar as an adult: the worst hangover of my entire life. I still felt like the room was spinning and my head was pounding. I ran to the bathroom and I threw up. I was terrified. What are her parents going to think if they know I’m hungover? What are MY parents going to think?? My saving grace was that it was summertime and a workday so all the adults were already gone by the time we woke up. I had the entire day to throw up, which I did, and try to find ways to feel better. Looking back on that day, I truly remember feeling ashamed of myself.

This is a terrible way to be. I can’t believe I let myself get that out of hand.

It was far from the last time I would have that thought.

For the most part, I didn’t really drink that much in high school and drank as much as your average joe when I was at my private Catholic college. (#whiteguilt). I still managed to do some damage, though. I spent many weekend days completely couch or bed-stricken. I had countless embarrassing moments told back to me that I never remembered doing. Sophomore year, our apartment was caught having a party and we were written up by the university. Part of the punishment was to take an online course on alcohol abuse. It asked how frequently I engaged in binge drinking and defined it as consuming “4 or more alcoholic beverages in 2 hours”. This made ZERO sense to me. “Doesn’t that make ALL drinking binge drinking? How does someone drink all night and NOT have more than 2 drinks an hour? Why would you have less than that?” That was honestly my thought process because I truly thought the only point of drinking was to get drunk.  How could you get drunk on any less than that?

After college, I lived by myself for the first time and celebrated moving day by drinking an entire bottle of wine by myself. I had never drank alone before but I remember thinking “I can do whatever I want. No one is here to judge me!” I stumbled through my living room, around half-unpacked boxes in my underwear with the bottle of Yellow Tail in my hand. A real adult.

When I moved to Austin, I worked at a bar to support myself and this bar became the foundation for most of my friendships there. The first time I hung out with the girls that would become my BEST friends, I was grabbing a drink after my shift. I sat on the barstools by the patio bar and as servers and bartenders ended their shift, they joined me. Round after round, I met and talked to more people, got to know some regulars, and drank, as it turned out, a shit-ton of beer. I looked up at one point to see one of the cooks standing next to me, drinking.
“Uh, shouldn’t you be on the line right now Russel?” I asked

“Uh, my shift ended an hour ago. It’s 11pm.”

6 hours had passed and I didn’t even realize it. This would be far from the last time that would happen.

Once I started a “real job”, it was a “work hard/play hard” environment and BOY did we play hard. Every small win was cause for celebration and that celebration always included alcohol. When we weren’t celebrating with friends, I was usually unwinding with a few glasses of wine at home. Before I got pregnant, the only days where I didn’t have at least one drink were the days that I was so hungover, all I did was throw up. I’m sure you think I’m exaggerating. I’m not. I average 7-12 vomits per hangover. This act, along with the complete inability to move, earned me the nickname Pukey Debbie. She’s my hangover alter-ego. While this kind of behavior is funny in college, it becomes completely embarrassing as an adult.

Now, I’m 35 years old and I have been drinking for 20 years. Dear God. I’ve tried to give it up before. Every January starts with the intent of starting the year with sobriety. I usually make it 9-10 days. Once I tried to do Sober October for rhyming purposes, but with football tailgates and work happy hours, I only made it 5 days. Even when I was pregnant, I would still sip on a half glass of wine here and there (NO JUDGEMENTS!). Then, I did the Whole 30. For those of you who don’t know, it’s a cleansing diet where you cut grains, sugar, legumes, dairy, and alcohol for 30 days. We made it the whole month and then celebrated my birthday at a brewery. I learned nothing.

I have certainly toned it down over the past few years, but alcohol is still a mainstay in our household. As I examine the things that I do to distract myself from this anxiety and depression, alcohol is on the top of that list. I was having a candid conversation with a friend’s sister where I was explaining to her why I didn’t want to go on antidepressants.

“I just really don’t like the idea of being medicated,” I said.

“You already are medicating,” she replied. “You drink every night. That’s self-medication. And it’s a lot unhealthier than pills”.

She was right. As I examined aspects of my life that needed to change, I knew it was finally time that I address this pseudo dependency.

The Results: Let me start by saying that it’s not about how many times you fall off the horse, it’s about how many times you get back on. Or in this case, the wagon. I started off the month strong and wasn’t even missing alcohol at all. I even went to two work events that included drinks and didn’t partake. I breezed through the weekend, dodging wine at dinner and beer at a party. I was feeling good!

Fast forward 5 days later and I was having a cocktail at a happy hour. What happened? I didn’t even really miss drinking that much. I just had a moment of weakness where I became overwhelmed and didn’t want to deal with the way I was feeling all of a sudden. There was an opening to get drinks and I took it. This was like Sober January all over again, except for this time it wasn’t. Old me would have said “well, I broke that resolution. I guess I’m back to drinking again!” But this is not about perfection. This is about progress. So I started anew the next day and got back on the wagon. I forgave myself and moved on.

Then I went to a Led Zepplin Tribute Band concert and drank that night too, but I figured that since February is technically 28 days and not 30, I had two freebees, right? I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM!

What did we learn?: It’s no surprise that not consuming alcohol every day has positive effects on your health and wellness. It’s a heck of a lot easier to wake up at 4:50am to get to the gym when you haven’t had a few glasses of wine just hours before. You also get much better sleep when you’re not falling asleep drunk or tipsy. In fact, I remembered that when I drink more than 2 glasses of wine, I usually wake-up in the middle of the night and can’t fall back asleep. Being sober, I just need to rely on my kids to wake me up at all hours of the night.

There were other side effects I didn’t take into account, though. I had an insane sweet tooth throughout the month. At the end of the night, I just wanted ice cream or chocolate in a bad way. I was hoping this challenge would get me to lose weight, not make me want to go hard on a tub of Cool-Whip, but here we are.

Finally, I learned that drinking doesn’t actually serve my anxiety in any positive way. It’s a sandbag, but worse than that. It’s like if the sandbag becomes water after the storm, further contributing to the flood. It made me feel even more anxious the next day and even more disappointed in myself. Being without booze made those feelings come fewer and farther between.

The Take-Away: All I can say is that I’m working on it. I just came back from Austin and the wine was on a steady drip. I’ve since come back and mitigated the Monday Scaries with a cocktail at home. Am I a lost cause? Might be. Maybe just a work in progress. But I’m working every day and trying to keep focused on the goal: health for my mind and body. Above all else, I want to be present for this ride, not self-medicating my way through it.

WOW, THAT WAS HEAVY! I need a drink. KIDDING ! ?

Next up: GRAINS!

Off the Grid

Happy New Year! What has everyone been up to?

No, really. WHAT has everyone been doing the past 30 days? I’m so out of the loop! Did anyone get engaged? Were babies born? Who broke up and why? TELL ME EVERYTHING!

If you are one of the dozen people who follow this blog, you’ll know that I started my #oneless thing challenge in January. If you are new, allow me to explain: In addition to some lofty 2019 goals, I decided to examine all of the things in my life that have had negative impacts on my happiness in some way or another. Each month this year, I’ll abstain from one of those things and then tell you all about it. Let’s break it down:

Challenge: Social Media Black Out

Rules: No access to Instagram, Facebook, or Snapchat. I’m not on Twitter so nothing to cut out there. I AM in the staffing industry though, so I kept LinkedIn, which is basically Facebook of the Professional world.

Why I cut it out:  Where to start… I’ve been weaning myself off Facebook for a while. You know that notification you get every day that reminds you what you did on this day a few years ago? Every day, I would open that page up, scroll through my memories, and manually delete every single one. No flashback was safe. The time we closed on our first home? Deleted. Pictures from girls night? Gone. Video of our son’s first steps? Buh-Bye! Obviously, I have the good memories backed up elsewhere because contrary to popular belief, I am NOT the worst parent in the world, but there were just so many pointless posts on my newsfeed. No one cares that 7 years ago, I was eating Jimmy John’s for the 3rd time that week (#gradschool life). I don’t need to be associated with emo lyrics from Bright Eyes anymore. Who cares about my thoughts on the 30 Rock finale (it was Golden, BTW). Finally, I knew if I really needed to cut myself off of the platform, I had to take a scorched earth approach and burn it all to the ground so I would have nothing to come back to.

The real problem is Instagram. What a time-suck that app has become. It’s like the Angry Birds of social media apps. Angry Bird’s lead developer said the success of the game was attributed how easy it was for people to use and that you could play for as little as a few minutes in between other activities on your phone. Instagram definitely took that approach because checking my newsfeed has definitely become a mental pallet cleanser that I couldn’t live without. Any lull in activities or break between meetings gave me permission to open it up and scroll on down. It seemed harmless enough until I realized that I was pulling it up when I should have been more present, like having dinner with friends or playing with my kids. Finally, I really made the connection that I was using it to distract myself in moments of anxiousness or sadness. If I started feeling too overwhelmed or stressed, I would pick up my phone and pull up IG. If I just got into a fight, I’d start scrolling away. If I felt lonely, I would post a story. Though doing this seems innocuous, it really prevented me from dealing with my emotions and sometimes you have to just sit back and feel your feelings. So, I made the decision to cut it out for a month and see how I felt.

The Results: Do you know what the most boring and uneventful day of the year is? January 1st. Nothing is open. It’s usually cold and gross outside. Everyone is either tired or hungover. When you have kids and nothing is open and it’s cold and gross outside, January 1st is the absolute longest day of the year. Everyone is either tired or hungover except for your kids, who are wide awake at 5am and full of energy. Once I was able to get them off and playing on their own, there is NOTHING I wanted to do more than scroll through the internets. January 1st was MADE for binge-watching TV and distracting yourself with your Smartphone and I had so foolishly chosen this day as my first day of blocking social media.

I got myself through with the reminder that all I was missing were pics of people way too dressed up for a house party and boomerangs of champagne toasts. I knew I could power through.

In the first week, I still found myself compulsively checking my phone. For what? I don’t know. It was such an ingrained habit to check Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat that it was like phantom limb syndrome to be without it. In fact, in the 1st week, my screen time didn’t change at all. Frustratingly enough, the most amount of time spent on my phone was STILL social media, as Apple counts Photos and Messages as social media. (Which, real quick, can we just talk about how passive aggressive the new Screen Time feature is on the iPhone? Like, dude, you CREATED this problem. Don’t try to tell me to scale back now. It’s like the barista at Starbucks slipping me a brochure on the harmful effects of caffeine. You really want to go there, Stephanie??)

As the month went on, I was starting to feel a bit lonely and out of the loop. Though I go to a vibrant office every day, I’d come home feeling like I didn’t talk to anyone. “I wonder what my friends are doing,” I’d think. “I sure do miss them. Can’t wait to get back online”. Here’s what is so funny about that though: some of my absolute closest friends are NEVER on social media. If I post a picture of my kids or something personal, I usually have to text them separately because I know they’ll never see it online. They didn’t even KNOW I was doing this #oneless challenge because they are completely unengaged with my socials. We communicate with each other intentionally, not by sending posts or tagging memes. We call each other. We text each other. When we lived in the same zip code, we SAW each other regularly. I’ve never needed any platform to stay connected with them. So why did I feel so disconnected now?

Instead, those poor souls who I call my best friends have just been INNODATED with texts and picture messages from me. “LOOK AT MY DOG” I’d send or “HOW CUTE IS MY CHILD!” Then I started reaching out to other people I hadn’t talked to in a while; people I would normally stay connected to by just liking a post. I also genuinely asked people how their weekend was and was surprised by the response, as opposed to before when I would say “What did you do this weekend?” when I knew full well that I already saw it online. I feel like I was a better listener and was less distracted in conversation.

Nothing, though, compared to the impact it made on me as a parent. At the end of a long day and a long commute, my nights with my kids fly by. They get out of that car and come in the house HOT, ready for snacks, shows, games, books, potty breaks… you name it. All of this while I am cleaning the kitchen, making dinner, prepping for lunches, and all other adult things at the same time. When I finally did get to sit and relax with them, I’ll shamefully admit, I spent most of that time on my phone.
“Mooommmmmmy! You’re not watching!” I’d hear them say, and I’d put my phone down momentarily but then right back up a few minutes later. So much time wasted. But this last month, I really tried to be in the moment with them. We played games, worked on puzzles, made forts, and told jokes. (They are hilarious, by the way. My oldest just started telling Knock-Knock jokes that make zero sense but he thinks just absolute zingers. Clearly my child). During all this, there was definitely the urge to get my phone and record it to share with friends and any other creep that follows me, but then I’d remind myself to just savor this moment, this one fleeting moment, and it would always be with me. My youngest started mangos “flamangos” and I’ll remember it forever. No video can ever do justice to how cute it is.

The Take-Away: Will I keep off social media? Um, no. I’m already back on Instagram and posted a story that included a SuperZoom so I pretty much never left. I’ll probably start un-following the meaningless accounts that end up on my feed and take more time to reach out to people that I care about. I will also pledge to keep my phone upstairs when I play with my kids in the basement, though they love making “funny faces” on Snapchat. Finally, when I’m starting to feel anxious and overwhelmed and confronted with really uncomfortable emotions, I’m not going to reach for my phone to distract myself from these feelings. I’m going to stay in the uncomfortable for a moment, take deep breaths, and wait for the moment to pass, as it always does.

But for now, I gotta get this blog out so feel free to like and share the shit out of it!

Next Up: Sober February! CHEERS!

 

 

One Less Thing

It’s the end of 2018 and as we move into a new calendar year, it’s a time for reflection, planning, and of course, the classic End-of-Year Social Media post. In my opinion, there are two types of these posts: Best Year Ever or Good Riddance. Best Year Ever posts are for the lucky and the grateful. These people have typically experienced major life events like getting married, having babies, buying a new house or getting a new car, There’s a high likelihood that they will also use the hashtag #blessed unironically. They might mention SOME struggle in a vague way but it’s overshadowed by how #blessed they are to have had the #bestyearever.

Then there’s the Good Riddance camp, Some years are more prone to this caption than others. We can all agree that 2016 was a Good Riddance year for the musical fatalities alone. People who are ready to throw the whole year away will have accompanying hashtags like #fuck2018 or  #overit. In lieu of a 9-photo collage, their post is usually just one pensive selfie or a yoga pose in front of beautiful scenery.

So, which one will I post? Well, it certainly wasn’t the best year ever, not by a long shot. Where 2017 brought the most stressful events of my life (buying a house, selling a house, moving across the country, hospitalized child, finding a new job), 2018 was the year that those events finally had an impact on my head and my heart. You see, even though symptoms had been there for a while, I finally came to terms with my postpartum onset anxiety and depression. Dealing with this disorder has made me see life through a different lens. Some ways this has actually been beneficial. I’m more analytical and aware. I feel sharp and in tune with my body and my mind in ways that I never have before. I’m very grateful for this.

In other ways, it’s taken so much from me.

Earlier this fall, my mother-in-law asked me what my Halloween costume was going to be this year.

“Oh, I don’t have one,” I said, reluctantly.

“What?! What do you mean you don’t have one? This is your favorite holiday of the year! You HAVE to do something!” She couldn’t believe it and really, I couldn’t either. Why didn’t I plan a costume? I hadn’t even thought about it. In fact, I very uncharacteristically let my kids just pick costumes out from the grocery store this year. No family theme. Nothing funny like we usually do. Just a quick errand to get it over with.

This may seem small, but I imagine people reading this who REALLY know me understand why this was actually the canary in the coal mine.

It’s like this: imagine everything you love, everything that makes you unique, everything that makes you who you are laid out on a table like pieces of paper. Now imagine there’s a small drip coming from the ceiling above and slowly those pieces of paper get wet, Some remain intact but others become saturated. The ink starts to run. The edges start to curl. Some pieces can be repaired. Others start to look ruined. This is what depression has felt like for me. I never know when the dripping will occur and what pieces of paper it will impact.

So, why shouldn’t I label my post #goodriddance? Because pain is important. Growth isn’t easy. As lame as analogies about butterflies are, it’s pretty applicable here. Becoming a butterfly is painful because you actually have to break yourself open first. This is what 2018 has taught me the most. Don’t fear the pain. It’s also taught me gratitude and mindfulness. Those are important things that you can’t just throw away with a few bad events in one year.

Now, what should we do about 2019? Well, for starters, I am going to start making sacrifices. In fact, this year, I’ve decided to give up one thing for every month of the year. I made a list of things that are detrimental to my life and happiness. Some are bad habits, like drinking or eating processed sugar. Others are things that keep me from being mindful, like binge-watching TV or even listening to music. Most importantly, all of these sacrifices will be blogged about, which will reconnect me with another thing that got lost this year: writing!

So, as of midnight, January 1st, I will be giving up my first vice: Social Media. I’ll catch y’all in February with a recap of how it went. In the meantime, no matter how your 2018 went, I hope 2019 really is your #bestyearever.

PS: Feel free to join me in this journey of sacrifice that I am calling #onelessthing. I’d love to hear your feedback too!

PPS: It’s important to love yourself, which is why I chose the picture I did for this post. I think I look good! Another important thing to know is that in this picture, I’m actually really struggling through some serious anxiety. You can’t always see mental illness so be kind.

Long Ago

My first day on the job was one rude interaction away from not happening at all.

I had just moved to Austin and although I had secured part-time remote employment, I needed something to help pay the rest of the bills. A friend of a friend recommended applying to this bar, Fado Irish Pub. She had just been fired and it was right before Paddy’s Day so she was *sure* they needed help.
“Don’t put my name on your application, though. Put Jen. I’ll introduce you so it won’t be a lie. But you should know that management never talks to each other. So, I would just call back on Monday and ask for Keith, then tell him that Dave told you to start next week.”

This worked. It actually worked. My first day of work was March 17th, 2007. St. Patrick’s Day. I was put on Door Security since they had no time to train me on serving before the big day. I was told to be there at 5:00am to get ready for the doors to open at 5:30. I didn’t know anyone that worked there and since vendors were coming in and out, it was hard to tell employees from the guy dropping off the beer. Not knowing who to report to, a liquor rep offered to take me to the office downstairs to meet the manager. I walked into a basement full of beer, liquor, and plastic cups to find a short man wearing kitchen clothes sitting at a desk.
“Hi! I’m new. It’s my first day.”
He slowly took off his glasses, rubbed his eyes and said, “So?”
That’s it, I thought. Done. I’m done with this job. I didn’t wake up at 4:30am and offer to work 12 hours on the greatest drinking holiday of the year to be treated this way. I don’t need this.
But I did need this and that’s the only thing that helped me bite my tongue and wait for further instruction. Had I walked out, my life would have never been the same.

It was supposed to be a short-term gig. Just something to bring in extra cash while I found a stable job in production and could start working a “real” job. I didn’t even want to make friends with the people there. I just wanted to keep my head down, make some money, and get out of there. It turned into everything but.

It’s hard to say why working at this bar was different from any other. Had I gotten a job down the street, maybe I would have made friends. It’s possible one of them could have become close enough to stand up at my wedding. I may have met girls that would become my tribe. It’s hard to say if another bar would have hosted my wedding after-party or our going away party.  But that place was Fado.

Fado was the place in my 20’s that I knew I could go to and run into people that I wanted to see, even years after my last shift. The regulars were beyond loyal. They would celebrate all life events there, from weddings to wakes. They rallied together and raised money when one of our servers became deathly ill and was in the hospital. Mysterious Ways, our resident U2 tribute band, played for free at a fundraiser to help with hospital bills. When another server, Jenni, got sick with cancer and ultimately went to the hospital, everyone helped put together a care package for her. She died days later and her memorial and charity fundraiser were both held at Fado.

They came in on Christmas Eve with their families to sit in the cottage by the fire and tip generously. They stayed after our shifts were over to have a pint and listen to our stories of bad patrons and long days. They helped us network to get jobs when it was time to move on.

The staff was always a ragtag group of train wrecks, myself included. I’ve never known more people who had DUI’s that all worked at the same place. We actually had a lawyer come in to speak to the staff so we could be prepared in the event that we got pulled over after drinking. We were all terrible with money. We would start off shifts with goals in mind. I need to make $100 today so I can cover rent on Monday. Would making only $60 mean that we were just $40 away from our goal? Hell no! It meant that we had $60 to drink with tonight and we’ll try again tomorrow to make $100. They should have scheduled a financial advisor to come in instead of the lawyer.

We’d work long, hard hours. New Year’s Eve. Early morning soccer and rugby matches. Gaelic Football. CRICKET! I could write an entire episode about working at 3:00am to 4pm for a completely packed bar of Indian Cricket fans who crammed into the pub to watch the world series. Our manager had a hunch it’d be profitable and his bet paid off but I’ve never been more physically exhausted in my life, other than the 21 hour St. Paddy’s day shift the previous year. Now that I’m a working stiff, I sometimes miss how much better beer tasted right after a long shift. It was so cold and felt so deserved.

The patio still might be one of my favorite places in Austin, despite how hot it would get in the summer and how many cockroaches it would attract. There was just something about sitting on the back patio and letting one beer turn into five while the sunset on the city. People would just keep showing up. Every time we’d be about to leave, someone else would be finishing their shift or another regular would offer to buy the next drink. The place just had the ability to suck you in. Even in the years after none of us worked there anymore and we’d venture off to new bars and restaurants, I don’t think we ever found a place as comfortable as the back patio at Fado.

Now, after 20 years, Fado is closing its doors. The downtown lease finally got the best of them, as it has with nearly everyone in the neighborhood. They plan on opening in a new location at a later time, but I think we all agree that things will never be the same. I’m sure they’ll survive as a pub no matter where they end up. I bet even some of the cynics that have been a loyalist to the downtown location will even check out the new place, but never without comparing it to the Good Old Days.

Ah, the Good Old Days. This elusive period of time that we’re never really in. Even when I first started working at Fado, employees were always talking about how good it used to be. How much better the money was or the food or the management. Then we all quit overtime and come back to tell the new servers what they missed.

Last weekend, I flew back to Austin for a baby shower. It was Kathleen’s baby shower. I shadowed her on the floor my first week as a server and she became one of my closest friends. As we all got older and settled and had kids, long drinking days at Fado became annual events rather than weekly occurrences, but we all decided to go back one last time. We sat on the patio, ran into old regulars and coworkers. We waxed nostalgic about drinking stories, bad shifts, awful co-workers, and late nights. A few of my friends cried. It truly is the end of the era, not just for the pub but for me personally.

See, this month marks one year since I have left Austin and moved to Columbus. It’s been a tough year. I realize how much harder it is to find your tribe in your 30’s than it is in your 20’s. It’s been a tough year that makes looking back on the Good Old Days of Austin a masochistic exercise.  There is something completely symbolic about Fado closing its doors. It has unexpectedly allowed me to reflect on everything that Austin gave me and be grateful for it and then gracefully move on. I finally feel ready to move on.

So, cheers, Fado. Thank you for giving me a job that supported me through my twenties. Thank you for introducing me to my best friends. Thank you for being there when my husband was deployed and becoming a second family. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to train employees, which is something I do as a profession now and love. Thank you for being a place to go to when nowhere else sounded good. Thank you for shift pints, late nights, FIP’s, “phone calls”, boat parties, Christmas parties, wedding after parties, and going away parties. And to everyone who was a part of it, Thank You.

The Bachelor Recap: Final Finale

Have you guys seen Black Mirror? I’ve only watched one episode. The first episode. It’s called The National Anthem. For the purpose of this blog, all you need to know is that a member of the Royal Family has been kidnapped and will be killed unless the Prime Minister agrees to have sexual intercourse with a pig on national television. Spoiler Alert: He has sex with a pig on national television. The real ethical question posed in this episode is who is worse? The Prime Minister or the captive audience members, crowded into bars and restaurants, surrounding jumbotrons and home televisions, all frothing at the mouth to watch the Prime Minister completely humiliate himself?

Today, all of Bachelor Nation is that audience; watching this trainwreck unfold in front of us, sometimes with one eye closed, but all the while with full attention and ignoring our conscious, which is begging us to turn it off and return to the people we were before this disgusting distraction entered our lives.

I can’t do the normal recap of this episode, though I did take diligent notes and wrote some very insightful and hilarious anecdotes along the way. None of that matters anymore. We are not the same people we were when this episode started. We can never go back to who we were.

If you did come here to see what happened during this episodes, the following bullets tell you everything you need to know:

  • Arie introduces both girls to his family, one at a time.
  • Lauren can barely answer a question about what her favorite date with Arie was. She’ll be an insufferable partner because she is constantly wrought with indecision.
  • Becca kills it in her time with his parents but they keep comparing her to Lauren… in front of Becca. You’ll never know the pain of being a brunette that gets compared to a blonde unless you are a brunette.
  • Arie tells both women, “I love you” more times than necessary.
  • Lauren B arrives at the rose ceremony first AKA she gets eliminated. She is devastated and rightfully confused. He was trying to talk her into this the whole time and she feels completely duped.
  • Becca gets the proposal and the final rose, which she drops. An ominous sign.

Everything that happened was textbook Bachelor finale. The only reason we knew something was up was that ABC has been promoting the shit out of this finale for the past month. Chris Harrison never wasted an opportunity to tell us that this is not going to end the way we think it will end, which ironically made audiences guess exactly how it was going to end: Arie will break up with Becca to try to get back together with Lauren.

This isn’t the first time that a Bachelor has changed his mind before the finale airs. Jason Mesnick famously picked Melissa only to break up with her at the “After the Final Rose” special. Moments later, Molly came out and he confessed his love for her, thus granting him the title of Most Hated Man in Bachelor History. This would change in time, of course, as he and Molly got married and had kids and as we were introduced to much less savory Bachelors like Juan Pablo and now, Arie.

As tasteless as it was for ABC to insist that Jason break up with Melissa on television, it is head and shoulders more respectful than what transpired last night. First, when Jason dumped Melissa on national television, they had the decency not to film it in front of a live studio audience. It was pre-taped and aired at a later date. Second of all, Melissa came out into the studio knowing something was up. The fact that no one was in the studio audience at the famous “After the Final Rose” taping (ATFR to the diehards) was clue number one. Finally, when Melissa was done, she got to walk off the stage, not suffer through watching her own break-up in front of a live audience. I’m getting ahead of myself.

As I mentioned, Chris has been prepping and fluffing the audience about this epic breakup for the entire episode. They even extend the episode by an additional hour to show us completely unedited, live-time, multi-camera footage of this break-up. If they could have handed out 3-D glasses, they would. They are one bad decision away from auctioning off the Kleenex that Becca uses to wipe her tears. It is completely shameless.

Arie arrives at their secret get-away house to see Becca, who has just finished an interview where she’s asked questions about how much she loves Arie and how happy she is and how she knows this is forever. The girl is beaming. She doesn’t see this coming at all, and why should she? Arie walks in the house, out of breath from fear of this confrontation. He asks her to talk 2.5 seconds after walking in the door.

“You’re making me nervous”, she jokingly says. Girl, this is no joke.

He tells her that he can’t stop thinking about Lauren and he thought he would be over her by now, but he is still in love with her.
“I just don’t think it’s fair to be half in it with you and half in it with her,” he says.
“So, what? You’re going to be half in it with her and half in it with me instead?”
Oh, Becca. She still doesn’t get it. She still thinks he’s just conflicted, not decided. But, since this is “unedited”, we actually get to see her face as she realizes she is being dumped in front of a camera crew and that this break-up will air across the country and that this footage will haunt her forever.

This break-up could have, SHOULD have, easily ended here. Hell, Arie could have had the balls to do this off camera and save both of them a little respect. I don’t think anyone would have hated him as much if they showed up separately to the ATFR taping saying “we broke up. He wasn’t over Lauren.” Instead, we get not one, not two, but three entire segments of Becca crying in the bathroom and Arie not understanding that he should leave. He actually knocks on the door and says “Hey, are you ok?” Is she ok? IS SHE OK? ARE YOU AN IDIOT?

Commercial break after commercial break, we keep coming back to see this woman getting more and more upset. They’re already broken up. They’re not getting back together. We know nothing else is going to happen, but we keep watching. We justify it because as a nation, we rally against Arie and call him an asshole and clueless and the worst bachelor ever but we keep watching nonetheless. Chris Harrison keeps cutting in, saying “But wait! There’s more!” We know it’s bullshit but we keep watching anyway. Just as it feels like this episode can’t get any lower, Arie finally leaves the house and we cut back to the studio one last time. The camera pans out to find Becca, live in the Studio Audience, watching this footage for the first time in front of a room full of strangers and a national audience full of voyeurs.  She’s still devastated. This should all be over now but it’s not. Lord Harrison isn’t satisfied with her suffering yet. She’ll be facing both Arie and Lauren… on the NEXT EPISODE OF THE BACHELOR! That’s right. The most shocking finale in Bachelor history was actually a cliffhanger. They are going to drag this shit out one more night.

So, which one was worse? The Prime Minister that had intercourse with a pig on national television (to completion, mind you) or the audience members that happily watched it happen. For me, it’s definitely the audience. At least the Prime Minister was trying to save a life. What was the audience’s excuse? What is our excuse? At least in Black Mirror, pub owners, mothers and fathers, classroom teachers, and everyday citizens slowly turned off their TV’s. They’d seen enough. But for us? We kept watching. We’ll KEEP watching, all while we yell at our TV’s and swear off Arie and the next Bachelor and the Bachelor after that. We don’t even realize how much we lost.

As for me and the Bachelor? I think I really am done with this show. I can’t be an active participant in this kind of psychological torture anymore. In fact, given the choice between the two, I’d rather f*ck a pig.

The Bachelor Recap Ep. 9: Brown Chicken, Brown Cow

First of all, no. I am not going to recap the Women Tell All. I have too much respect for you to do that. I watched it because I don’t have any respect for myself, but I will spare you the play by plays. All you really need to know are the following 3 things:
1) There will be a Bachelor in Paradise and Bekah is going to be on it. Sienne will probably be there too, considering she was brought up to the couch and spent way too much time answering questions about being ready for love again.
2) Arie says “mer” a lot when he flubs his lines and that’s it for me. I officially loathe him.
3) Caroline spilled some tea and said to Arie and the world, “I know what you did and I have no idea how you could do that.” This is hands down the best thing they could have aired in order to keep me the least bit interested in watching the finale. I have seen the headlines for some spoilers that I refuse to read but it looks like Arie might pull a Brad Womack/Jason Mesnick. If you don’t know what I am talking about, consider yourself a better person than I am.

The ladies and Arie are in Peru for fantasy suite dates. Brown Chicken brown cow!  (Say it out loud and it makes sense) Kendall is the first date. This is the preferred situations for Fantasy Suite Week.  I’d way rather be the 1st one he tries to sleep with than the 3rd. They ride dune buggies in the sand because ARIE LOVE CARS! When they are done, they have a series of awkward physical exchanges, even though Arie says they have “crazy” chemistry. Oh, it’s crazy alright. Crazy that this hot, interesting twenty-something is at all attracted to Arie. She’s smart too! When asked, Kendall says that if Arie proposed to her today, she would say no. Ch’yeah. Good call!

At night, they eat dinner and Kendall reveals that she’s worried that she’ll be just another novelty to him like she has been with other guys. I didn’t even think about the fact that furries might fetishize her for being a taxidermist but now that she frames it like that, it makes perfect sense. Arie could totally be a full-blown furry. He assures her that that won’t be the case, just in time to give her the Fantasy Suite card. The best part about this week of dates is that everyone knows how this goes down. The Bachelor coyly acts like he just stumbled upon an envelope and doesn’t know what’s inside.
“Oh, we got a card. I wonder what’s inside?”
Then, the poor girl has to act like she doesn’t know it’s from Chris Harrison, saying “Should you forgo your individual rooms, you can take this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.” I could recite this from memory. THEN the Bachelor has to put this performance on two more times this week. I wish the Bachelor could evolve enough where it’s just implied that they are adults and if they want to sleep together, they can. Every girl should have the opportunity to say:
Image result for wanna fook

Anyway, Kendall says yes and away they go to do the damn thing.

There was once a time where Bachelor merely implied that they would sleep together. Now we have to suffer through the morning after. Their clothes are thrown around the room. They’re making out in pajamas. I’m sure this is intended to show us how “real” this relationship is but let’s not act like Kendall would have slipped out after he fell asleep if she had the chance.

Lauren B’s Date:
How did we get here? Where did this dark blonde horse come from? Lauren B is definitely winning this and I have no clue why. Their entire relationship is like Groundhog’s Day. All of their dates have been *exactly* the same. They involve these 3 tenants:
1)They do touristy stuff where Lauren’s only contribution to the conversation is pointing and looking off into the distance.
2) Lauren gets in her own head and tells Arie that she’s just thinking about stuff but doesn’t really say what.
3) After not really getting to know each other at all, Arie says he’s getting to know her so well and Lauren tells Arie that she loves him.

This date is no different, except for the fact that when Lauren says “I love you” Arie says it back. I guess it pays off to be the silent, mysterious type. I have no clue how to live like that.

Here’s another clue that the producers are trying to get us to really rally behind them as a couple: they make us suffer through a free version of the song  “How Do I Live Without You” during their fantasy suite montage. We get the full rom-com treatment, equipped with the wind blowing through the curtains, tiny kisses as they crawl into bed, slow fading shots into a candle. I’m sure reality is a lot more awkward and THAT’S the footage I want to see. When does she pull away because she has to pee? Does he have a condom ready? When do the cameramen leave? Where is this footage?

Becca’s Date:
I forgot about her till now. Arie is definitely way more into blondes. They go on a catamaran and sail by an island full of animals. She says she feels so lucky. She clearly doesn’t know she’s the last girl this week. He asks her how she does with long distance and when she tells him how she does in long distance, he says “yeah, yeah, we talked about that before.” LET HER TALK, ARIE! She makes up for talking about someone else for just one second by telling him that he’s so handsome. Well played, girl. She’s found the way to his heart.

Their nighttime date is eating dinner in a tent in the desert. I’m sure that wasn’t at all uncomfortable or difficult to endure. Becca drops the L-bomb and then HE drops the L-bomb. ARIE! Wtf! He knows he doesn’t have to say I Love You to get laid, right? She gets the worst fantasy suite with a yurt that has a full sized bed in it. That’s it. Not even a queen.

They wake up and this is where it really hits me: where is the bathroom? Where do they pee? Are they waking up and making out with full blown morning breath since there is no sink for brushing their teeth? Then they interview her outside in her robe. At least Lauren B got to look cute in some high waisted leggings and a crop top. Becca doesn’t even get to put a bra on before these producers ask her if they played hide the bologna!

After the date, it’s drama time. A boyfriend shows up because he wants to get his woman back but didn’t realize that this show ended with a proposal. Um, as opposed to… money? We find out that it’s Becca’s ex! SHOCK AND AWE! He confronts Arie, saying that he contacted everyone he knew on the Internets to try to find where they were so he could get her back. He’s probably hoping that he got to him before the fantasy suite date. This is awkward. The ex tells Arie that he’s in love with her and he’s gonna propose to her. Arie does nothing to stop him. He’d play dead in a bar fight if he could.

Becca is surprised and then annoyed to see him. Few things here: 1) His name is Ross. 2) He is clearly the clueless ex-boyfriend that thinks when a girl says she needs space it’s just because she’s on her period. She won’t even let him in her room and he slowly starts to realize that he has completely misread the situation. How could his friends think this was a good idea? Who are the people who said, “Yeah dude, you should just go for it!”? Let’s hold them accountable. 

I’m gonna be honest here: I couldn’t even type the play by play because I am just taking this in like a school girl watching Days of our Lives. I live for these awkward interactions and it doesn’t get any better than a botched proposal from an ex-boyfriend.

Becca tells him to move on and asks him to leave. She then goes to Arie’s place to explain herself away. She says that she doesn’t want her ex to taint the experience, then apologizes to Arie. Ok, ladies, listen carefully: don’t you EVER apologize for something that is not your fault. An ex-boyfriend showing up out of nowhere is NOT your fault. Arie is insecure AF and even after she tells him that it’s over and that she has no feelings for him, Arie is like “yeah, but like, what if you leave me?” Someone get him a blanky.

Rose Ceremony

Arie pulls Kendall aside but this time, it’s to let her go. It’s what he should have done that last week but you know he thought Kendall would be “fantasy suite” worthy. She oddly doesn’t even seem that upset. The black SUV of death arrives to escort her away. Kendall, we hardly knew thee.

Stay tuned for next week, which will not only be my final recap but quite possibly, the last episode of the Bachelor I will ever watch again.

The Bachelor Recap Ep. 8: Fact or Fiction

Haves and Have-Nots. Some people have cable, some people don’t. I don’t. This typically isn’t a problem because times have changed and you can pretty much get everything you need via Netflix, Hulu, or HBO. When it really sucks is during live events. We have a digital antenna, which for the most part work really well. We get the major networks and know exactly where to place it based on the channel. But every once in a while, we get a really shotty signal, and during last night’s episode of the Bachelor, it felt like we were watching a really scratched DVD. So, I missed a LOT of this episode. In fact, I missed an entire hometown date. Lucky for you, I know this franchise so well that I’m just going to guess what happened and not tell you which parts I watched or which parts I missed. See if you can spot fact from fiction!

Kendall’s Hometown:
Let’s face it: Kendall made it this far for this moment and this moment alone: to see her taxidermy collection. It’s everything we’ve been hoping for, though, there are way more rodents than there needs to be. She has a fun activity for Arie where they get to make some taxidermy of their own. She’s gone through the trouble of laying the dead rat skin out for him so he can make his own stuffed rat. HOW SWEET! She also made him a diorama for them to display their love rats. Oddly this makes me really like her. We would definitely be friends.

They arrive at Kendall’s home, which looks like it was recently made over by some corky couple on an HGTV show. So perfectly staged. Kendall has an identical sister named Kylie. (How pissed were their parents they when they heard about the Kardashians #amiright?)  Kylie’s not buying any of this and seems very skeptical of their whole relationship. On the other hand, so does Arie. He says “I’m ready for a proposal, but do you think SHE is? Cause she might not be?” It’s like they are trying to talk each other out of this. In fact, no one in this family seems all that into this relationship. Kendall even says she’s not ready to be engaged at the end of this. I mean, could this outcome be more clear?

They steal a moment outside before Arie leaves. She tells him that she can see herself falling for him. See herself falling for him. This is one step worse than the standard “I’m falling for you”, which is what guys normally say to get out of dropping the L bomb. She could have just said, “I think I might possibly one day like you enough to start having stronger feelings for you eventually”. Same thing.

Tia’s Hometown
She takes him racing in a mud pit. Of course, Arie shows off like a dick because he needs constant affirmation of how good he is all of the time.  They wrap up at the race track and head to her parent’s house. We see Tia’s family on the couch by a coffee table which is full of corn dogs and weiners. She’s southern. We get it. Tia tells her parents that they went to Tuscany and her mom is just floored. Jaw to the ground floored.  They’ve def never traveled outside Arkansas.

Arie’s brother pulls him aside to play the tough guy, accusing him of being The Kissing Bandit. Obviously, this phrase was a plant from a producer, and you can tell because when he says those words, it’s clear that he has NO idea what he’s talking about.  Arie tells him that he didn’t give himself that nickname. No shit, Arie. That’s not how nicknames work.

Dad comes out with the same schpeel and I’m surprised he wasn’t asked to have this conversation with a shotgun in his hand. Arie also asks for permission to propose because I guess he’s on a roll here and her father says yes in the most No way possible.

Outside, Tia says that she’s not just falling in love with him but IN love with him. He says “I’m sorry that I can’t express every one of my feelings to you, but today was such a perfect day.” Oh, really, Arie? Ya sure seemed to say you were DEEPLY falling in love with Lauren B last week pretty easily. Either way, he dodges the bullet of having to say it back and they part ways.

Becca’s Hometown
Arie makes his way to a small town in Minnesota. They meet outside at a park surrounded by falling leaves. It’s autumn in the north and the backdrop is as picturesque as hotel art. They walk hand in hand, but something is off. Becca is quiet and barely looking him in the eye. Arie fears the worst, recollecting how Jacqueline left him suddenly, without warning.

“Tell me what’s wrong, Becca,” Arie pleads. “Tell me now”
“It’s not you, Arie. I swear,” Becca assures him. “It’s my family. They… they just…”
“What is it, Becca, darling.”
“They’re… Amish. Amish Arie. That means…” her voice trails off and her lip starts to quiver.
“Oh my god,” Arie says, the blood draining from his face. “They don’t drive cars, do they. They don’t even KNOW about cars, do they??”
Becca pauses, thinking carefully before she responds. “No, Arie. They don’t. They don’t know a thing about cars. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
Arie buckles to his knees. The betrayal is written all over his face.
“I never wanted it to be this way, Arie! I never wanted…”
“Shhhush,” he says, placing his finger on her lips. They have a long hard cry and embrace. Then they make out and Arie buys her more diamonds and dresses. THE END!

Ok, obviously that was the hometown I missed but I’m sure I was PREEETTYY accurate. At this point, my screen is a full-blown snow storm so I start watching Last Week Tonight with Jon Oliver. But right before I got to bed, the reception has restored itself!

Lauren B’s Hometown:
I come back to see Arie’s conversation with Lauren B’s mom where he tells her that he’s falling in love with her daughter. Bold move dude. She calls him out and says “are you saying this to the other moms too?” He tells her that every relationship is different but the same and yes but also no. He’s struggling here.  Arie is not reading the room very well because he asks her for her blessing to propose to Lauren. Her mom looks like she just died a little inside. She’s cold as ice and pretty much says “If that’s what Lauren wants, then that’s what she wants!” So, no then.

Mom and Lauren catch up and she’s giving Lauren the same side eye.

Lauren B: “I feel like I’m falling in love with him”
Mom: Really?
Lauren B: “I just feel like I read his mind and know what he’s thinking, even across a room of 25 other girls!”
Mom: YA DON’T SAY!

Rose Ceremony
Arie is wearing so much bronzer. It must have gotten in his eye because he walks off before giving out the roses. He either doesn’t know who he is going to eliminate or he can’t remember his lines. He comes back in and says he needs to talk to Kendall alone. He is basically threatening her, asking if she’s sure she could be comfortable being engaged at the end of this, which is like in 3 weeks. Then he says “ya know, a lot of other girls in there are ready to get married”. Kendall. Darling. Listen to me. Run, not walk away from this jerk. This guy is showing MAJOR signs of manipulation. It’s clear to me that he wants to end it with Kendall but he wants her to think it’s her idea. This is the kind of guy that kills his wife and makes it look like an accident. Way harsh, I know, but you’ve been warned.

He comes back in. ACTUAL SHOCKER: He actually gives her the rose. Did NOT see that one coming at all. Can we just think of everything he put Tia through? He made her suffer through a 2 on 1 in the last episode and completely mislead her on this date, only to dump her in front of her friends. She is clobbered. Then, he walks her out and HOLDS HER HAND. So many mixed signals.  Arie is so completely clueless about his nonverbal communication. Now he’s trying to comfort her by telling her that he has no idea why he’s letting her go. BOY PLEASE!

Good news for Tia: She’s clearly going to be the next Bachelorette. This exit scene is just RIPE for a package in the season opener of Bachelorette.
Next week, Arie takes 3 ladies for a ride on the F train, otherwise known as the Fantasy Suite. Early prediction: he bones all 3.

See y’all next week!

The Bachelor Recap Ep. 7: Under the Tuscan Sun

Can I be real with you? When I write this blog, I try to type my thoughts in real time as the show is airing. I try not to stay up much later than 10pm and commit to “freshening” it up on Tuesday. Then, on my lunch break or before I go home, I write the intro, segueys, and conclusions. I try to be witty as best as I can be. But today, for the first time in a long time, I gave blood to the Red Cross and I’m not gonna lie, you guys, I’m feelin’ a bit of the woozy air! Along with these feelings of listlessness comes a complete lack of creativity. So, let’s just pretend that I came up with something really insightful that ties this whole thing together and just get on with it, shall we?

The ladies arrive in the beautiful Tuscany region of Italy. The Bachelor might not always be successful in creating lasting relationships but one area they do succeed in is making me want to travel the world. Chris greets the ladies, gets them excited about being in Italy, and concludes by warning them that those who do not give forth their all shall be humiliated with a publicly broadcasted break-up. Also, there will only be roses on the dates and no rose ceremony. Three one-on-one dates and one group date. Game on, ladies.

Everyone is excited but Jacqueline seems cautious. She says she is on the precipice of feeling real feelings for Arie or just going home. This is definitely the first time that word has been used in the entire franchise of the show. We do not deserve Jacqueline.

Becca gets the first one on one. Arie picks her up in a Porsche because God forbid they let us forget for ONE SECOND that he races cars. The two tour the tiny town and walk down the cobblestone streets. They drink wine and twirl. It’s like they’re making a music video for a karaoke machine. Arie reveals that he feels the passion in their relationship has been inconsistent, but after a few lip-lock sessions, he feels they are back on track. “As long as this carries through tonight, I could definitely see going to her hometown”. NO PRESSURE, BECCA! Just make sure you are charming and desirable for the next 4 hours and you’ll be fianced in no-time!

Back at the house, Jacqueline is having major doubts. It’s almost like she’s realizing for the first time that she is on a dating show where after spending 5 hours with someone, she is expected to introduce him to her family in a week. It’s like in the Matrix when Neo takes the red pill. She confides these feelings of conflict to Kendall, who is like,  “Man, that’s tough. YOU SHOULD GO HOME, THO”. Kendall has obviously taken the blue pill.

Back on the date, Arie and Becca sit down to talk. She says that he’d be the first boyfriend to formally meet her parents. She actually can BARELY say the word Boyfriend. She goes, “You’d be the first guy that I’d officially say ‘Hey, parents, meet my boyfr….this guy I really care about”. You can see the moment she starts to say Boyf and then hears herself say it and realize how completely ridiculous it sounds. Though her subconscious is telling her this guy is NOT your boyfriend, her Bachelor-influenced brain is telling her to say that she’s falling in love with him. Arie’s eating up all these positive affirmations. He gives her the rose. This poor guy now has to go to Minnesota.  

The next date card arrives it goes to Lauren B(oring). This is a huge shock to everyone since Lauren just had a date last week. The girls can’t believe it and all chime in why it’s crazy that someone actually gets to spend consistent time with the person they are trying to marry. Jacqueline tries to participate in the conversation but she’s too in her own head. She goes to Arie’s room to break up with him. Arie doesn’t take rejection well. He looks blindsided. Here’s the best part: Jacqueline takes a break from breaking up with him to drink some of HIS wine. Where has she been all season? She then goes in for one more make-out session and honestly looks like she could just ride him right there. We all know that if cameras weren’t there, shit would be going down right now. She even kisses him all the way up until she walks out the door. You gotta get all you can out of kissing bandit. Get it, girl.

1:1 Date
Lauren’s date begins and now I see why Arie likes her: she’s got a rockin’ bod and she’s gorgeous. Still, good looks don’t always mean good personality. They repeat the kind of date where they just look at stuff and don’t talk. This date is even more painful than the first date. He should just cut her loose now but he insists on seeing if things pick up at dinner. Man, his love connection bar is so low. He really wants to make this work and he tries to get her to open up again. Either they have secretly gone on like 10 dates that we haven’t seen or she’s just really hoping to become the Bachelorette because out of NOWHERE, she says she thinks she is falling in love with him. Um, BASED ON WHAT?? The two hours of silence you just spent walking around Italy? Your date was so awkward that Arie had to make a joke about eating pizza in Italy. At one point, you said that this town looks so Italian. How is this equating to a love connection?? What am I missing?

Arie has a curious reaction to this news. He actually gets up and walks away. This is every girl’s worst nightmare. He better come back with dessert or else she should just get up and walk away. The worst part is that while he’s gone, she can’t even eat the food. It’s torture. He comes back to tell her that he walked away because he was so overwhelmed with emotion and that he’s falling DEEPLY in love with her. I think he walked away because he had too much cheese and need to “let some air out of the tire” if ya know what I mean. Pffffffft. He knows he can’t rip ass in front of a girl as pretty as Lauren.

1:1 Date
Sienne gets her one-on-one date and they are looking for shrooms truffles. They meet a truffle hunter and walk through some fields in order to find fresh truffles.  I love Sienne’s shirt but she looks like she’s wearing it backward (and this is coming from someone who once tried a bathing suit backward. In my defense, it was a one-piece). The truffle hunter brings them back to his house to eat dinner with his family because, IDK, we need more Italian stereotypes in this episode? They make fresh pasta and bread and say things like MANGA, MANGA! Sienne gets ambushed with questions about love but there’s a huge language barrier here. Everyone is talking to one another like they are 5 years old. “Yes, falling in love IS good. How you say, fun? We have FUN!”

It’s amazing how many carbs they get to eat at this dinner. And she actually gets to EAT THE FOOD. In my opinion, this is what winning the Bachelor looks like. (Did I mention I’m still on the clean eating challenge? You might notice some major food references as a result). Arie says she’s “fun to hang out with” which means she’s on the brink of being friend-zoned. They leave the family dinner to sit down at another dinner, which is the one where they can’t eat the food. Sienne says that love is a weakness, which I totally agree with BTW. Wrong answer for Arie, though. This conversation is starting to go south. In the distance, a bell tolls. A bell actually tolls right before Arie is about to cut her loose. It goes like this:

Sienne: “I don’t want this to be the end of our relationship.”
Arie: “Yeeeeaahhhhh, uhhhhh…”

He “follows his heart” and tells her he can’t give her the rose. As he walks her out, Sienne is like “uh, maybe you could have given me a little heads up next time, Arie. BEST OF LUCK!”

Her luggage is ceremoniously removed from the hotel room and no one is happier than Bekah. She’s like “ca-ching! Boom, bitches! One more rose up for grabs, WHA-WHAT!” I’m starting to question her intentions here.

Group Date
Kendall, Bekah, and Tia arrive at a beautiful villa. Arie pulls Kendall aside first. When she speaks, everything seems so contrived, for some reason. She’s almost too articulate. I realize now why people don’t like Hillary Clinton.

Next up is Bekah, who is clearly trying to “win” the show at this point. She keeps talking about “going to hometowns” in a way that makes me wonder if she realizes that hometowns mean her actual hometown and not a level in a board game. This rubs Tia the wrong way and has no issue telling Arie her thoughts on it immediately. She does a good job of throwing Bekah under the bus while gracefully steering the conversation back to herself. Then, she tells Bekah what she did and Bekah starts crying. We see a rare black tear. That’s the waterfall of drinking games. See, you think that girls cry on this show all of the time, but in reality, we hardly ever see tears. Just crying noises. The addition of mascara to this tear is what makes it Bachelor gold.

Bekah runs to Arie to show him that she’s crying in hopes that he will take her seriously again. I really hope she makes it to Hometowns because her mom still thinks she’s missing and she needs to know her daughter is OK.

He huddles the girls up on the coach to announce his decision. We were told that there wouldn’t be a rose ceremony, but there Arie is, just handing out roses one by one. I guess it’s not a ceremony if the women aren’t in ballgowns. Makes sense.

The first one goes to Kendall, which is a total surprise. There’s a good chance that she made it this far because the producers really want to see a lot of dead stuffed animals. Arie walks her out and now it’s a two-on-one date. Bekah steps up her wardrobe game because the theme of her dress is nipples. Her nightgown looks like she’s one sneeze away from a strip slipping off and looking like Tara Reid post boob job.

Tia gets pulled aside and she tells him that she’s falling in love with him, but this time, he doesn’t walk out of the room to compose himself. He just gives a completely blank stare. Not a good sign but not a deal breaker either because, and don’t forget this, Arie is boring.  

Bekah lays it on thick and tells him to have a little faith in her. She has the confidence of a girl that has never been hurt too badly before. It’s that sweet naivety that we have in our early 20’s that gets beat out of us with each rejection in our late 20’s. She’s a clean slate. A baby clean slate.

It’s time to give out the rose and it goes to Tia. She’s the safe bet. It was probably hearing that Bekah is 22 again that really pushed him over the edge. He walks her to the limo and tells him that everything will work out for him. Her composure lasts 3 seconds because when she gets in the car, she loses it. I realize that we have not had enough crying limo scenes this season. NO ONE told Bekah about waterproof mascara because we get more black tears.

By the way, Arie did exactly what I said he would do. Do I know this show or do I know this show??

PS: if you think for one second I will be recapping the Bachelor: Winter Games, you’re out of your Gat Damn Mind.

 

The Bachelor Recap Ep. 6: Two Girls One Date

First, I know. I KNOOOOW. This recap is officially two days late. But if I can humblebrag for a second, I Tuesday’ed so hard that I thought it was Wednesday. It was my sons 2nd birthday and my hubs had his 12 hour clinical, so I had to do all the wife-ing, mothering, and working on my own. I slayed away at work, picked up the boys, cooked dinner, wrapped presents, hid said presents for the birthday hunt, cleaned the house, and prepped for my actual Wednesday. WE REALLY CAN HAVE IT ALL, LADIES!

Let’s indulge in some much deserved Bach Recap.

The girls arrive in Paris and find out they are staying on a huge houseboat.  I can’t tell if I love or hate the decor. It looks like an 80s coke dream but like a classy coke dream.  Meanwhile, Arie is forced to talk to Chris. Or is it the other way around. Arie says that he could see himself with many of the women, which is no surprise. Chris also informs the girls that this is the Two Girls One Date episode where two girls enter the proverbial cage match, but only one girl stays.

1:1 DATE:
Lauren B gets the 1 on 1 date with Arie. The B stands for Boring. I have no idea what she has to offer. She’s a pretty blonde. She’s probably nice. IDK. That’s all I got. They get picked up by a little speedboat, which one girl thinks is a gondola. They walk through the city as Arie points at stuff and Lauren nods obediently. It’s boring AF. This quiet interaction isn’t the kind of assured silence two partners endure when they just feel so comfortable with each other that they don’t need to talk. This is the kind of interaction you get when you are leaving work and you have to walk all the way to the parking garage with a coworker that you don’t know very well, but there’s no one else around to talk to, so you engage in completely meaningless chit-chat. This sums up their entire day date.

They go to dinner inside of a roll of red velvet and they both look bored to tears. Neither of them wants to be there. None of us want to watch this. Arie tries to peel back the layers and asks why she’s so bitchy standoffish. She reveals that she friend-zones all of the guys she dates. FUN! Arie is trying way too hard to make her feel comfortable so he digs deep and throws a Hail Mary. What happens next is completely unrequited self-disclosure. He reveals his last girlfriend was pregnant with his baby but she lost it and shortly after, left him while he was out of town. WHOA. Her response? “I was engaged once but it didn’t work out!” Yup. Tit for Tat confessions right there. Somehow, he feels like this information made him understand her more because he gives her the rose. I’m not surprised. Skinny blondes have a 90% survival rate in the Bachelor world.

GROUP DATE
The group date commences and they get to go to Moulin Rouge. This is one of my favorite movies and I expect the interior to be full of men in tuxedos and dancers flying from the ceiling. It’s less magical than that. It looks like a French version of The Thunder from Down Under in Vegas.

The girls are told they will learn a dance and the lucky recipient of the rose will get to perform that night with Arie. After awkwardly learning the dance moves, they get in costumes where the front says Vegas Showgirls and the backside says Jessie Spano Showgirls. The girls come out one by one strutting their stuff while Arie makes incomprehensible noises and says phrases like “wow” “oh boy” “gee whiz”. It’s def what he sounds like at a strip club as well.

Cocktail hour begins and he pulls the girls side by side. Bekah kills it, as per usual. I don’t even have the time or energy to address the fact that Bekha was a missing person as of just 3 weeks ago. Arie then talks to Sienne, who can speak French and COMPLETELY misses the opportunity to say Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir. Girl, do you even want this??

It’s time to give out the rose.  He awards it to Bekah and quickly whisks her off to get ready. Additionally, the other women have to take their seats to watch this performance! What torture. Not just because they have to watch the two of them on stage together but because this performance is truly painful to watch. There is no dancing. Arie is lip syncing and doing a poor job of it at best. I will say that Bekah does look good as a blonde. Maybe she can wear it the next time she goes missing!

2 on 1
Time to announce the 2 on 1 date and the unlucky winners are Krystal and Kendall. Corky Taxidermist vs Life Coach turned Stage 5 Clinger. We are all rooting for Kendall. I don’t care how many dead animal carcases she has stuffed. She’s the normal option.
Their date is in the French Countryside and it’s so gorgeous, it almost has me planning a vacation to France. (I understand that this is 100% the objective of this episode, so good job French Travel Council! Ad money well spent!)

Here’s the thing, I could go over every detail about this date, but if you have seen ANY 2 on 1 dates, you’ll know that they are all the same. They pit two girls against each other that are usually totally opposite. One is usually the villain, the other is typically under the radar. One or sometimes both of them spend their time bashing the other contender. Decisions are made. Hearts are broken. This date is no different, except that Arie prolongs this decision much longer than he needs to. He appears with the rose and it looks like he’s going to make his decision, but then says “I’m just not ready. Let’s continue this over dinner.” What. A. Tease.

So in one corner, we have a beautiful, young, interesting, and articulate women who happens to surround herself with dead animals as her day job. In the other, we have a beautiful bod with a rocking body but some serious mental health issues and a healthy dose of running toward drama while proclaiming to not want the drama. As I write this, I really have no clue what direction this will take, and it doesn’t seem like Arie does either because, during this dinner, I’m pretty sure he’s just thinking about if it would be acceptable to just ask them to have a threesome. When in Paris!

Krystal tries to dominate the conversation to persuade him at the last minute with her low and raspy voice and as many mmmm sounds as she can muster. (She definitely does voice over for softcore porn movies, you guys.) It’s decision time. Oh, snap! Oh Shit! It’s Kendall! He chose Kendall over Krystal! She did it! SHE DID IT, GUYS!! I’m prepping for an epic Goodbye between the two of them but he’s cold as ice! He doesn’t even get up to give her a hug. He literally just said, “so, we’re gonna go…” Dayum, Arie!

Here’s my theory: Arie was NEVER into Krystal but she brought the D game HARD (D= Drama, pervs). She was good source material for the past 2 episodes and at the end of the day, this is about making money, not making love. So, the producers probably coaxed him into keeping her until he just couldn’t even with this anymore. He may as well have run out of that room with Kendall.

1:1 DATE
Jacqueline goes off on her date with Arie. She says she feels like she was given a pony for Christmas, but is then told that if she doesn’t know how to ride the pony by the end of the night, it’s going to be shot. This analogy is perfect and now, I love her. She is now my number one pick.

They drive away in a fancy car, but suddenly, Aries car breaks down. Please. PLEASE. This car did NOT break down with a camera crew perfectly positioned on an empty street, waiting for him to “check out what’s going on under the hood”. Stop it. Stop trying to make him look masculine.

Arie takes her to a “high-end fashion store” because he is officially running out of original date ideas. Either that or he is actually a super controlling person and we should all be concerned.

They walk down the street once she finds a dress that meets Arie’s approval. Jacqueline is just smitten as a mitten but she plays with her hair too much. It’s a major tell. Like, just try to play it cool. She gives up any power she has once she tells him that she’s worried that he’s actually not that into her since, oh I don’t know, he’s paid ZERO attention to her all season long.  Arie says that he just thinks that she might be too smart for him. UH, DOY! She IS too smart for him, but don’t try to use her intelligence to get out of this relationship. She tells him she’ll need to get her Ph.D. to advance her career, which is 6 years. Aries like “yeaaahhh, but I’m gonna need a wife in like 3 weeks, soooo”. They should really call it quits right here and now but for some reason, he gives her the rose. That hair toss must be working for her after all!

It’s time for the rose ceremony and two women will be getting sent home. At the beginning of the date, I would have said Jacqueline and Kendall, so I must be losing my touch! The roses are given out and Chelsea and Jenna must say their goodbyes. The girls are SHOOK that Chelsea is leaving. Chelsea is also blindsided and you know what? WE were blindsided as well. I feel like we didn’t get a chance to really see her full crazy.

Typically this is when the episode will end but for some reason, we get this weird behind the scenes footage of Lauren B talking to the producers. She doesn’t know she is being filmed and she’s complaining about how hard it is watching Arie with the other girls. Why are we seeing this? Here’s my theory: Lauren B is going to be a final 2 contestant. If nothing else, she’s getting a fantasy suite. The producers were obviously combing through footage to try to make their relationship seem worthy of final 2 status, but they are as dumbfounded as we are that this tepid relationship might go the distance. This conversation shows her opening up in a way that she hasn’t before and might not in times when she knows she is being filmed. We are supposed to ingest this and think “wow, she really cares about him!’” I need to take some of these manipulative tactics into my everyday life because DAYUM it’s effective!  

Ok, time to get back to all of my mothertly/wifely/bosslady duties because I am every woman. It’s all in me.