Impostors

A funny thing happened at the Superbowl last night.

First, let me start by saying that I had no vested interest in the SuperBowl. I don’t even really watch the NFL. Though I’m a huge Michigan Football Fan for no good reason whatsoever, I don’t even really know a lot about Football. I try to throw in some comments like “he really should run the option” or “wow, what a defensive match-up!” but I have no idea what I’m talking about.

The thing that caught my attention last night actually had little to do with football at all. It was the last play of the game. Brady throws into the end zone to Gronkowski, who is surrounded by defenders. He doesn’t make the catch, but instead, the ball gets tipped into the air. Both teams scramble for it but it falls to the ground. The game is over and the Eagles have officially won.

That’s when I noticed it.

Once the score said FINAL and the outcome was clear, NBC cut to slow-motion shots of Eagles fans reacting to the last second win. But something was off. First, they showed the defenders on the field. They didn’t jump in the air and do backflips right away. They slowly and cautiously put their hands in the air, looking around at each other to make sure they actually won the game. We cut to Nike Foles, the quarterback. His hands are on his head, in disbelief. We cut to Bradley Cooper in his suite seat. He slowly stands up and looks around dumbfounded. The owner… Same face. A crowd watching in a bar in Philly- same delayed response… followed by immediate jubilation.

Why did this look different? Now, I understand that in the seconds following the incomplete pass, everyone was waiting for a penalty flag to be thrown, giving the Patriots one more chance. But I have a hard time believing that if the shoe were on the other foot, Patriots fans wouldn’t have immediately started celebrating. We’d see players IMMEDIATELY rush the field, not even waiting for a flag. Why? Because Patriots are used to winning. This is a learned behavior. Game after game and even Superbowl after Superbowl, they have learned how to react when they win a game, even in the final seconds. But the Eagles are not used to winning, especially not the SuperBowl. No one thought they would beat the Patriots in the SuperBowl. The players, coaches, owners, and Bradley Coopers had all been told over and over again “your team will never win the SuperBowl”. And yet, they did. And they couldn’t believe it.

That delayed reaction that everyone had and the accompanying look on their face is a look I know quite well. I recognized it immediately. Every person that took a second to allow this amazing accomplishment to sync in before they reacted probably had a tiny voice inside of them saying “I don’t deserve this”. Not “oh Heavenly Father, I am not worthy of such a blessing” but “I’m not supposed to be here, but I am here, so how do I reconcile that?” It’s tiny and it passes quickly but it is there. It’s the Impostor Syndrome and I’ve long suffered from this concept. There are very few accomplishments in my life that I feel I deserve. With any promotion, recognition or praise, the first thing I think of is “when are they going to realize that I didn’t really earn this?” IIt’sdumb. I know it’s dumb, ok? I can’t control it. It fades quickly and I move on, but it’s always there. And if I had been on the Eagles bench last night, I probably would have reacted the same way.

So, hold your heads up high, Eagles. You did earn this. You do deserve to be here. And as you race out into the street to throw another garbage bin into the air before undoubtedly lighting it on fire, remember that you earned the right to do that. You earned every right.

 

The Bachelor Recap Ep. 5: Bowling for Arie Time

Sometimes, you just gotta take a step back and really check yourself.

My company partners with a gym in Columbus and about 30 of us are participating in a “Check Yourself” clean eating challenge. Essentially, you eliminate sugar, alcohol, grains, and dairy from your diet. It’s a baby Whole 30. I decided to join because as much as I’ve been working out lately, you can’t outwork a bad diet. As I write this, I am on Day 2 of this challenge, and I’m not going to lie: the urge to pour a Bachelor sized glass of wine in strong. Especially as I hear one of the girls make the following statement: 
“We’re about halfway through this process…”

Dear god, give me strength.

This week, the girls are forced to get to go to Ft Lauderdale, Florida. Arie shows up to the girls’ hotel room in a bathing suit and I’m not surprised at all that he has skinny legs, which may or may not be hairless as well. Chelsea gets the first one-on-one date and the girls are just excited that they get an afternoon without Chelsea. Arie takes her on a yacht where they drink champagne. They make their way onto jet skis and engage in a heavy make-out sesh on one of them. Since the producers have strategically put a telescope on the balcony, the rest of the ladies get to watch in disgust. No one is better at manipulation than a producer who works for the bachelor.

The date concludes at some car museum because Florida is full of old people. They sit down for some dinner that they’ll never eat. Seriously, it’s just sitting there. So perfectly presented and for what? They toast their wine glasses as well but barely even touch the booze again. What a waste. What a beautiful waste.

I honestly miss a lot of what happens next because I’m too busy thinking about all the things I would do to that dinner plate, but when I come to, it sounds like Chelsea has some bad baby daddy drama. They were together for 7 years and after their baby was 6 months old, he ditched her for another woman and left her with nothing but her belongings in a trash bag. She says “he was someone who was older and very successful and wanted to mold me into the kind of person he wanted.” Oh, Chelsea. You’re so close to being self-aware and realizing that you are falling for the EXACT SAME GUY. Obvies, she gets the date rose. 

GROUP DATE
The girls go bowling because the producers obviously relied on old Floridians for ideas on what to do. The girls will get into teams and compete to win more time with Arie, otherwise known as the entire premise of this show. There’s a bunch of blondes on one team (Krystal) and some brunettes on the other (Bekah). Bekah’s team doesn’t even come close and Krystal’s team wins the extra time. Krystal is in rare form, going from humble bragging to actually bragging to praying and giving toasts. This is an under medicated situation happening in front of us. I’m pretty sure she’s taking in too much sea air and not enough antidepressants. Level out, girl. No shame in that mental health game!

Then something interesting happens. Arie decides that EVERYONE’S a winner and allows both teams to stay. Let’s face it: If Bekah’s team had won, he would have had no problem sending Krystal’s team home. As you can imagine, this doesn’t go well with Krystal, who apparently had an emotional break down on the bus ride home. She’s upset that Arie didn’t keep his word and that makes him a liar JUST LIKE HER DAD! Krystal is reaching rabbit-in-boiling-water crazy. At the hotel, she comes out in her robe instead of her outfit and she says her bags are packed. She seems like the kind of girlfriend who threatens to kill herself if her boyfriend forgets to order Stevia in her Venti Soy Latte. Do you even KNOW me anymore, Peter??

The girls settle in for a fun date in the lobby of a hotel. They don’t hold back at all to throw Krystal under of the bus for her bad behavior, but it backfires because now he leaves the date to see Krystal. I’m actually shocked we don’t find her throwing all of his things off of the balcony. Instead, she’s all like “nothing’s wrong. It’s fine. I’m fine. IT’S FINE! It’s just that…” Girl, use your words.

Arie has to tell the LIFE COACH how to handle conflict. Meanwhile, my son who won’t go to sleep wants to know why the girl is upset with the man. I tell him that it’s because she had a tantrum and she didn’t apologize. And my son, who’s 4, said, “but she needs to say sorry if she was mean.” And he’s 4. Arie cuts the convo short and heads back downstairs to smash his mouth hole into other mouth holes. 

The date continues. He gets time with Baby Bekah, Taxidermist Kendall, and Becca with the good hair, who gets her face grabbed a lot before they make out. Lauren B gets some time with him and their conversation is like if Tinder met speed dating. Wait, is Tinder speed dating?

Krystal decides she still didn’t get enough attention and crashes the rose ceremony. Bekah throws some Jedi mind trick shit and convinces Krystal that she is a hypocrite since she’s doing the same thing she got mad at Arie for doing (saying one thing, then doing another.) How is this 22 year old the smartest one here? It works and Krystal goes back upstairs.

Arie gives out the group date rose and I’m not sure why he feels like he has to announce two to three women that he really liked before giving it to the winner. He’s really bought into the fact that this is a reality show. I’m too busy rolling my eyes to see who got the group rose, but it feels like it went to a blonde.

Tia gets her date and they are going on a Swamp. They find a home in the Everglades that some old man built and instead of being scared away, they think it’s romantic. They eat frog legs and we find out that Tia kills frogs with her bare hands. Then they make out. CUTE!

Tia does the math and realizes that if she doesn’t start dropping L-bombs soon, she might not make it to hometowns. They talk about futures and faith over dinner. Here’s the thing: there is no way that Actual Raven didn’t give Lesser Raven the blueprint on how to win the Bachelor. She finds a way to tell Arie on their first date that she’s falling in love with him and it doesn’t seem psychotic. I repeat: This is their first date. I blame her disarming southern accent. Can you imagine someone from Wisconsin saying that on a first date? “Arrrrrie. Eyeee think I’m fahhling in luv with you.” Done. She’d be done.

COCKTAIL PARTY
Krystal must work for the Trump administration because she spins the hell out of what happened the other night when she had a meltdown. She says that she wasn’t hiding in her room but rather, investing in herself. Alternative facts. When she sees the girls, she says she doesn’t want to have a confrontation. She doesn’t want the drama, you guys. BUUUT, if they ARE going to have drama, she wants to do it one on one with the girls. Taxidermist Kendal says that she got upset when Krystal got upset because Arie was upset! Tia decides to join in on the fun and tell Krystal that everyone hates her. Then, they get interrupted by Bekah, who wants to throw her 2 cents in as well. All of these women miss every opportunity to say “Hiiiiii! Can I steal you for a second??” Get some wit, ladies!

Krystal finally gets a chance to pull him aside and lay on the charm. She pulls out all the stops, saying that the bowling alley date reminded her of her broken childhood and that’s why she got so upset. Because of triggering. Arie isn’t having this shit and says “well… That was still crazy though.” He is almost effective in signaling to her that their relationship is on the rocks, but then he makes a CLASSIC guy mistake. If you’re one of 3 guys reading this, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. See, in this moment, he’s carefully trying to cut her loose, and she’s desperately trying to hang on. Therefore, ANYTHING positive Arie says in this conversation will ONLY be heard as good news. He starts by saying “if you think this is hard now, it’s going to be 10 times harder out there” (meaning off camera). Ok. Ok… nice start. But then he says “If you and I make it to the end…” Don’t even know what he said after that. All she hears is “you and I make it to the end”. Even if he actually says “if you and I make it to the end… which we won’t because this is over”, she would still only hear that he loves her and wants to be with her. Even when she swoons and says “awww! Our first fight!” and he responds with “it could be our last fight”, all she is thinking is “HE SAID OUR!”

ROSE CEREMONY
3 girls are getting eliminated: Maquel, Marikh, and Ashley. Krystal lives to ruin another day because Arie might be legitimately worried she’ll kill his dog if they break up. Hopefully, next week will be her last because we are honestly not spending enough time talking about Taxidermist Kendall, who has clearly said that she would eat people if she was living with a cannibal tribe. She packed a dead bird in her carry-on and would eat people, you guys. I need more time for this!

Join us next week when the girls go to Paris which means they’ll be served up even more delicious food that they won’t eat all while I try to climb through the television to do it for them.

The Bachelor Recap Ep. 4: Young and Wild

Did you guys know that when I was 22, I dated someone 10 years older? I tried to pay little attention to the age difference as possible, but it was hard to ignore that at bars, I was the only one who was getting carded and when he introduced me to his girl friends, they smiled much larger than they needed to, as if silently saying “you’re kidding, right?”

Seeing as how my husband is not 10 years older than me, you can probably guess how it turned out. So why am I bringing this up? Let’s talk about the Bachelor first.

We open up the same way we do every week: with Chris reminding the ladies that many have already been sacrificed before them all in pursuit of being engaged, and if they don’t step it up, they will be sacrificed as well. In lighter news, it’s time to leave the Bachelor House and get this shit show on the road! Specifically, to Lake Tahoe! They can’t spend the big bucks on international travel just yet. We still have to trim some fat. This small trip is exciting enough for them, anyway. Brittany tells us that Tahoe has always been on her bucket list which makes me wonder what other mediocre things are on her bucket list. C’mon girl. Aim higher.

Sienne gets the first date in Tahoe. The girls can’t even wait until she’s out of the driveway before they start making bets on if she’s coming back. The consensus is no, but it feels like they are just getting greedy after Lauren #3 got sent home last week.

Back on the date, we see Sienne and Arie are going parasailing. Ok, it is not the season AT ALL to go parasailing in Tahoe because the season is winter, but it was probably less expensive. It’s like the Boat Party episode of The Office.

They finally get on dry land and Sienne brings up Arie’s favorite subject: Arie. He is really having a great time talking about himself. So, in his opinion, things are going well. Sienne becomes the 10th girl to ask him the insightful question of why he hasn’t loved anyone for 5 years. This date is good only because it isn’t bad. It is a boring and typical bachelor date, including the surprise concert at the end with the paid fans. They are also both terrible dancers. It’s like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes backstage at the Super Bowl festivities.  She gets the rose. 

The 13 girls going on a group date are announced which leaves Bekah for the last 1:1 in Tahoe. Krystal does a really good job at looking excited while she simultaneously visualizes painting the walls with Bekah’s blood. It’s fun to watch people self-destruct.

GROUP DATE
All 35 of the women go into the mountains for a date where they learn survival skills in the wilderness. Who are we kidding with this date? Arie couldn’t survive in the wilderness if he was just glamping. Why do the producers insist on making him seem manly? The dude’s hands are probably callous free.

The first challenge is basically 13 girls 1 cup, where the girls are told to store their pee pee because they might need it to stay alive. Arie gleefully volunteers to try out his own pee and takes a big swig from his thermos. Turns out its apple juice OR SO HE CLAIMS. Next step is eating solid foods, which means eating worms because that’s the stuff romance is made of. At what point is Arie going to start making out with this pee-drinking, worm-eating women? The answer is immediately as he pulls Kendall aside while the worms are still stuck to her teeth to give her a kiss. Kissing Bandit, you dirty son of a bitch.

(I’m also just now realizing the Arie may be the first bachelor that we haven’t seen gratuitous shots of his abs in and as a feminist, I’m feeling slighted by this.  #YesAllMen have to show their torso on the Bachelor if you expect women to do the same.)

They send these girls off into the wilderness with a compass and I’m starting to think its because they want natural selection to take its course. They are given the coordinates for the endpoint and split up into groups to find the “prize location”. Arie’s group gets there first and it’s a jacuzzi with a cabin on the side of the mountain. Arie finally takes off his shirt but he jumps right into the water, which is what I do when I’m having a fat day. This is the most I’ve related to Arie all season.

Night falls and it’s time for the women to take Lord Harrison’s advice and really step it up a notch. Kendal AKA worm eater gets some time with him and their chemistry is actually surprising, considering we haven’t seen or heard from her in weeks. Who is this woman? Oh, that’s right. She’s the taxidermist. She the taxidermist who is now telling him that she brought a stuffed pink bird with her. He tells her to bring the bird to the rose ceremony, probably because he doesn’t want her to be alone when he sends her home.

Krystal is really spiraling out of control with insecurity and it is delightful to watch. She’s trying to sound calm, cool, and collected but comes off as crazy, obsessed, and unhinged. She tries to tell Arie that the girls are out for her, specifically Tia AKA Raven 2.0. Tia also goes to Arie to explain that it’s hard for her as well, but she uses the “high road” tactic of saying “I don’t want to waste our time together talking about other people.” Well played, lesser Raven. She is rewarded with the rose.

Bekah goes on her 1:1 date which is horseback riding. Her parents have to fill out a consent form for the activity but Arie still doesn’t think to ask her how old she is. They make out in a tiny hot tub outside and I’m just waiting for her dad to get home from work and bust in on them.

They get dinner after the hot tub and it’s possible that he catches a glimpse of her high school class ring that says, Class of 2014 on it, because he starts to ask her if she’s old enough to get married. She handles these questions like a seasoned pro, saying “well, of course, I’d be ready if I met the right person and the time was right, but neither of those things has ever happened before so it’s hard to say who and when that will be.” Is it possible that this is a reverse 13 going on 30 thing? Could Bekah be doing a Freaky Friday thing where she’s actually a strong 40-year-old divorcee in the body of a 22-year-old Bekah? I’m not ruling it out.

She finally tells Arie how old she is and he’s like oooooooooh shit. It’s written all over his face. He’s clearly thinking about all the times they made out and realizing that she graduated high school FOUR YEARS AGO! She hasn’t even had one of the B.S 5 year high school reunions. She’s not even old enough to start getting financial requests from her college Alumni association.  

He is officially freaking out. She is doing her best to keep him level-headed but he keeps saying things. My god, she’s like a rom-com writer’s dream. She just says all the right things like what if we do fall in love and at the end of the day I’m not ready to get married? Does not getting married mean it wasn’t worth it? So true, Bekah, but unfortunately she’s dating a guy who’s all like ME NEED WIFE! She eventually wins him over and he gives her the rose.

COCKTAIL HOUR
Chris shows up and I guess it’s the episode where Chris “surprises” everyone by saying that there won’t be a cocktail party tonight, so the girls have no chance at a last ditch effort of winning him over with kisses and lap dances. I’d just be pissed that I dressed up for nothing. If he’s made up his mind, why not just wear leggings and an old company outing t-shirt? It’s all the same anyway.

ROSE CEREMONY
Right as Arie is about to hand out the first rose, Krystal interrupts to ask if they could talk for a “quick second” and if this means that we don’t get to end this episode with the conclusion of the rose ceremony, I’m officially done.
It looks like we will see the end but I already know that this rose will come down to Krystal and a few other no names, specifically Caroline and Brittany. And the rose goes to…Krystal. Of course, it does. Brittany and Caroline are both cut but not as deep as we are cut as audience members because we have to tolerate Krystal for at least 2 more episodes.

PS: So, why didn’t it work out with the older guy? It actually wasn’t because I was too young and wasn’t ready for marriage and babies. I have always been ready for marriage and babies. Just ask my Canadian ex-boyfriend who left me AMIRIGHTNATHAN?? It didn’t work out because HE actually wasn’t ready for those things. He said he was, but what kind of person wants those things and then stands you up on Valentine’s day? So, my prediction is that Bekah will go far and would probably make Arie very happy, but he won’t be able to love himself enough to allow someone so young and youthful to be his life partner. So he’ll blame it on her age, which is exactly what older guy did when he left me on Valentine’s day. But don’t cry for Bekah because she deserves to be with someone who can survive in the wild and be comfortable enough to show his most important attribute: his abs.

The Bachelor Recap Ep. 3: Ring around the Roses

Happy 3rd week of January, everyone! How are we doing with our resolutions? Anyone off the wagon yet? Are we still going to the gym? Overall, I’m doing well, but if I’m honest, I strongly relate to some nameless contestant on the Bachelor, who opens this episode by saying she is “emotionally and physically drained.” We’re only 3 weeks into this season. I’m going to need more wine.

We open with a group date. The ladies are taken to a wrestling ring where they will wrestle each other a la Glow, which is an awesome Netflix show you should be watching instead of the Bachelor. Then, actual Glow wrestlers, Little Egypt and Ursula, show up to teach them how to wrestle. I had no idea that the Netflix series was based on real female wrestlers, but these women are some BAB’s as in Bad Ass Bitches and I could watch them all night. Arie is not cut out for this at all. He is a terrible wrestler and he’s completely uncomfortable doing something that he isn’t great at, but he insists he’s looking for someone who can just relax and have a good time. Practice what you preach, bruh.

Meanwhile, these Glow wrestlers are stealing the show and calling girls out left and right. It’s like an episode of Scared Straight, except instead of making sure these women don’t go to prison, they are making these women realize how weak they are for competing for a man. It’s glorious. (PS: If anyone asks me what my leadership style is, it’s Little Egypt of Glow). Little Egypt goes in hard after Bibiana, saying that her mom doesn’t know how to spell because her name is ridic and, wouldn’t you know it, Bibiana has a tantrum. She also BARELY makes fun of Tia and now Tia is crying, too. Millennials, AMIRIGHT?  

Tia and Bibiana are missing the great opportunity to make wrestling noises that also sound like sex in front of Arie. Fools. They eventually get over themselves and decide to just have fun with it! Everyone competes and honestly, I’d much rather watch Little Egypt body slam them until they cry some more.

It’s time for the “after party” and big surprise, Krystal steals Arie first. She asks him how she should handle group dates and he says “just be you! If you want attention, just come grab me.” Big mistake, Arie. You just fed the gremlin past midnight. She’ll be unhinged now.

Arie has one-on-one time with Bekah and he just melts right into her. She is really good at Bachelor, you guys. She’s got this down to a science. She is the perfect combination of non-threatening and completely intimidating. If my husband became friends with Bekah, I would legitimately be concerned for our marriage. She’s definitely wife-leaving material.

Solo Dates
Lauren S got a date. The S stands for Social Media Manager. I know nothing about Lauren S. Did she sneak into the mansion and replace a different Lauren and no one noticed?? He’s taking her to Napa. She acts surprised but she should NOT be surprised because the date card said “you had me at Merlot” which every basic bitch knows that it means you’re going to wine country. They go to a vineyard and as much fun as this looks, I am too distracted trying to figure out how I can drink that much red wine without getting wine lips. I’ve only had a few sips while I write this blog and I already have wine lips.

This date has all the makings of a standard Bachelor date, but when it comes time for Lauren to open up, she has word diarrhea. Not just word vomit but full-on explosive diarrhea of the mouth. She goes from talking about her ex-boyfriend to a story about her mom’s eye infection. Tip: no good date includes a story about your mom’s eye infection. Arie reaches for the rose but cuts her loose because he can’t take any more of this shit and neither can we. It’s for the best, girl. He walks her out and now he has to endure a romantic string quartet all by himself.

Group Date 2
The girls get a date card that includes the word RUFF in it and everyone is squealing because of DOGS! Everyone, that is, but Annaliese, who reveals that she was bitten by a dog when she was little. There’s no way the producers take this accusation seriously because they do a ridiculous reenactment of a chihuahua growling at a toddler. Here’s the thing: she probably is traumatized by dogs, but she foolishly wasted her tears on the bumper car story last week, so her credibility is shot.

Not to be outdone by the wrestling date, this group of girls gets to dress up for a dog show. This disaster of an event is judged by Fred Willard from the amazing Mock-u-mentary Best in Show. I am loving this because it’s one of my favorite movies, but if there was a Venn Diagram of people who watch the Bachelor and have seen Best in Show, it’d probably look like a pair of tits. (Cannot take credit for that punchline. Credit: the late, great Adam Webb)

The group hangs out after the “date” if you can call it that. Now it’s time for each girl to pull him aside and make out. Annaliese is really blowing it and it’s hard to watch, but it’s mainly hard to watch because if I’m honest, she is acting EXACTLY how I would act in this situation. Super awkward. Then pointing out that she’s awkward. Go away, mirror!

When it comes to the girls one-on-one time with Arie, they are all just trying to use their sexuality and make out with him, but no one does this better than Bekah.  She is KILLING IT! FFS! How is anyone supposed to compete with that wit! She is exactly what his midlife crisis needs for the next 18 months.  

Annaliese lays it all on the table and tells him that she’s anxious that they haven’t kissed yet and he straight up tells her that he doesn’t feel like they’re there yet. DE-NIED! This guy has gone around kissing everyone with a pulse but won’t kiss Annaliese. She gone! She doesn’t even make it to the rose ceremony because she gets some terrible advice from her “friends” who tell her to ask him if he sees a future together and he’s like “naahh” and sends her home.

Can you imagine getting through 2 rose ceremonies with the Kissing Bandit and not getting a kiss? That’s like going to a Globetrotters game and watching them lose to the Generals.  

Rose Ceremony
Thank God, we are down to one Lauren so we don’t have to do this last initial bull anymore.

Bibiana doesn’t get the rose. Her storyline definitely ran its course. Arie tells her that she’s amazing, which he has said to every girl that he has cut this week, so maybe he doesn’t understand the definition of amazing?

We conclude with the producers making fun of Annaliese’s fear of dogs until they are literally forced off the air.

Also, if you followed along last week, my prediction of three girls crying CAME TRUE (Tia, Caroline, Bibiana!) I can’t decide if I’m proud or ashamed. What can I say? I’m emotionally and physically drained.

The Bachelor Recap Ep. 2: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

What a difference a day can make.

Sunday night felt like pre-November 2016. Women of Hollywood stood in solidarity, wearing black to show the unity against systemic sexism and assault. Oprah dominated her DNC Speech Cecil B DeMille award. Hope was in the air for the first time in over a year. It felt like women were universally seen as strong, united, and a force to be reckoned with.

Then Monday happens and ABC airs the Bachelor to remind us that we’re emotionally unstable weaklings that hate each other.  Let’s recap, shall we?

It’s allegedly the day after the first rose ceremony.  Time for the morning after cocktail to erase any feelings regret these women have over their life choices! Chris Harrison enters, practically tipping back champagne glasses for them, and reminds the women that one of them must become betrothed to Arie or they’ve wasted everyone’s time. The girls can’t stop squealing. Oh, the squealing. We’ve fallen so far from grace.

Becca K gets the 1st one on one. She’s never been on a motorcycle before, which explains why she keeps talking to Arie while he’s driving and doesn’t understand that he can’t hear her. Once they get off the motorcycle, Arie tells her that today is all about HER! Out of nowhere, Designer Rachel Zoe appears with an entire rack of clothes and gowns. Becca cannot EVEN with any of this date. Zero chill displayed. She doesn’t even pretend to care that this is a shameless plug for what inevitably become Rachel Zoe’s Kohl’s line. She even calls it the Best Date Ever, even though they have spent zero time getting to know each other.

A Mexican CIA agent shows up with a briefcase full of diamonds and the squealing continues. Arie still doesn’t know her last name.

Kissing bandit dishes out his signature slow kiss and she actually says “whoa”. Girl, get it together. It’s starting to feel like she’s a contest winner and not a woman on a date.

After flaunting her new rags in front all of the girls, Becca continues her date with Arie over dinner. He finally speaks to her like a human being and we learn some deep things about her (7-year on/off relationship, her dad died, super close to her mom). It’s almost as if Arie is starting to see her as the complex woman she is, but just then, he tells her she can keep the diamond earrings he gave her and surprises her with 2 seconds of gold confetti falling from the ceiling. Confirmed: She is a contest winner.  

Krystal gets the second 1:1 date and he surprises her with a private plane ride back to his hometown of Scottsdale, Arizona. He takes her to his old high school. She tells him she was an art “nerd” except there is no way she was actually a nerd. She was one of those cute girls that would say things like “OMG you guys, I’m such a major nerd! I love Harry Potter!”

He takes her to his house and makes her look through all of his old pictures and even old home videos. He’s acting like he’s embarrassed but you know he watches this shit all of the time because he is really into himself.

The date concludes with a surprise trip to his parent’s house. More on this later.

Things get deep with Krystal and she had a rough go at it growing up. She has a homeless brother and her parents were nonexistent. We can already see the differences in how he treats women he is attracted to (Becca K) and women he respects (Krystal). Stuff and things for Becca. Conversations and old movies for Krystal. Ladies, take note of this difference.

“I have one more surprise for you,” says Arie. Ok, ladies. If you’re ever on the Bachelor and he says “the night isn’t over yet. I have one more surprise”, you’re either getting fireworks or a band will sing for you while you make out in front of them. In this instance, it’s a singer-songwriter I’ve never heard of because of my aging. Overall, I give this date a 9 out of 10.

I miss the intro to the next segment because apparently there is a football game on and I get downgraded to the TV in the basement, but I assume the date card said: “WHO WANTS TO GET T-BONED!” Because it’s a demolition derby date.

Annalyse is freaked out and explains that she didn’t like bumper cars when she was 7 because they were loud and scary. She starts crying and Arie consoles her. Someone says “I just don’t think that crying is the best way to get 1:1 time” and she’s wrong. On the Bachelor, it is the ONLY way to get 1:1 time during these first few dates, but you must use those tears wisely and a sad bumper car story is not tear-worthy.

We cut to a montage of the derby and Sienne won. She takes a victory lap. A girl after my own heart.  Arie brings her up to the winners’ podium and makes her drink Milk because it’s “tradition.” Is this like a White Power nod? I’m concerned now.

They get back to the mansion and let the HUNGER GAMES BEGIN! Much to the chagrin of others, Chelsea swoops in right away for some time with Arie.  Bibiana then declares that she doesn’t want the drama which means she is definitely going to cause drama.

This is the date that all the woman throw up all of their backstories in 2 minutes or less. Hi! Can I steal you? I’m a mom. HI! Can I steal you? I went to Yale and it was hard! I wonder if they have to prep the bachelor on how to listen to women for 5 straight hours because this looks exhausting.

OH LOOK, BIBIANA STARTS THE DRAMA! She’s frustrated that she’s not getting any time with Arie. She’s done, you guys. DONE. Storms off, but doesn’t actually storm off because she’s back just in time to watch Sienne get the date rose.

Cocktail Party:  

Krystal and Bibiana spar over Arie because Krystal keeps stealing him away and Bibiana thinks everyone should get “equal time” (Socialist, AMIRIGHT?). When Krystal interrupts Bibiana’s only conversation with Arie, Bibiana doubles down on the Latina card and reads her like a book. It’s almost charming, but then she said “Mic Drop” on herself, which is kind of like giving yourself a nickname.It’s just not authentic,

Circling back to Krystal constantly stealing Arie away, I actually like this approach.  In what real-world scenario would you be flirting with a guy at a bar and then look around and make sure that all the other hot girls also had a chance to talk to him as well? You wouldn’t. You SHOULDN’T. But the reality is when she says “did you miss me?” she sounds needy. It’s off-putting but can we really be mad at Krystal? I mean, he DID introduce her to his parents on their first date. Isn’t THAT the off-putting thing? Don’t let the cute background music misdirect you. That was a weird, potentially needy thing to do on a first date. So, of course, she thinks she has this in the bag and wants to get as much time as possible.

Rose Ceremony:

These early ceremonies lack a lot of suspense because, for the most part, we don’t care about these women yet. The last rose is given and Oh lord he chose Bibiana. And by HE I mean all the producers chose Bibiana because she’s obviously ratings gold confetti.

Rejected Jenny cries really hard, harder than she needs to. She walks out without saying Goodbye and when he stops her outside, she says she’s really just sad that she’s leaving her new girlfriends. COLD. AS. ICE! But maybe she’s actually the only one speaking her truth here. In conclusion, maybe women don’t hate each other after all. And we’ve come full circle. 

Stay tuned next week to see if my prediction of at least 3 girls crying comes true!

The Bachelor Recap Ep. 1: Stop and Smell the Roses

Sometimes, we cannot escape ourselves.

I had every intention of writing a very thoughtful and reflective blog post about 2017 and trying to be more present. There was even going to be an anecdote about putting up the tree in our new house and actually crying because it finally felt like home. It was poignant. 

But, we cannot escape ourselves.

Instead, I give you this: My New Year’s resolution is to provide you week-by-week recaps of America’s proudest export- The Bachelor. Obviously, there are spoilers ahead. 

We open with a package of Arie’s backstory on Emily’s season because the producers are keenly aware that not a lot of people know who Arie is. In the most dramatic choice ever, they decided to give us a TBT Bachelor from over 5 years ago and not one of the leftovers from Bachelor in Paradise. If you’re new to the franchise, all you need to know is that Emily Maynard AKA Brad’s Emily dumped him to be with the infamous One F Jef. Spoiler Alert: it didn’t last. This recap shows us that Arie’s really in it for the right reasons because he fell in love 5 years ago so he knows this process works. He’s a former race car driver who ditched life on the road for the world of Real Estate. This will become important later.

Sean and Catherine Lowe show up. Sean was on Emily’s season with Arie and ended up becoming the Bachelor and marrying Catherine. When it comes to Bachelor cameo’s, he does this sort of thing all the time. Is it just me or does Catherine never look like she wants to do this shit? Her hair is in a half pony and she barely has makeup on. It’s refreshing, but annoying because she’s definitely getting paid more than my salary for this 10-minute appearance.

Now we get a sneak peek of this “great group of ladies”. (Drinking game idea: have a drink everytime they use language that commodifies women!) If you’re new to this show, you should know that we only waste time on pre-taped bios of girls that make it at least 3 rose ceremonies, so pay attention. Here’s a high-level overview:

  • Caroline- Real Estate Agent who thinks she’s a perfect match because they have the same job plus she knows about cars. Nothing sexier than 100% compatibility!
  • Bekah AKA Betty Boop. She’s a short-haired nanny who reminds me too much of the copy girl that Ross cheats on Rachel with so, not feeling her for now.
  • A series of women with weird M names.
  • A blonde fitness trainer who might actually think she’s running for Miss America based on her views on world peace and love of feeding homeless people.
  • Hey, remember how much we all loved Raven? Let’s try to recreate that magic with some girl named Tia from Wiener, Arkansas!

Finally, it’s time to get this shit show on the road. Arie arrives at the mansion and Chris is there to give him his obligatory TRUST THE PROCESS pep talk while beefing up his ego about being named The Bachelor. He is essentially a glorified “fluffer”.

The girls exit the limo:

After a few pretty and boring ladies, we meet Chelsea and the music that tells us that she’s a villain/vixen, She also signifies the beginning of a slew of real estate agents. Seinne. Ashley. This will eventually be followed by an arsenal of Lauren’s. It’s almost as if when Arie was describing his type, he mentioned that he once worked with a real estate agent named Lauren that he liked. It reminds me of how on the show Extreme Home Makeover, they would take one idea from the kids favorite thing and overplay it in the room decor. Oh, you like trucks, Tommy? YOU LIVE IN A BULLDOZER NOW!

Tia AKA Raven 2.0 arrives. She’s the one from Weiner Arkansas and gives Arie a little wiener and says that she hopes he doesn’t already have one of those. Perfect joke. FLAWLESS execution. Flies RIGHT over Arie’s head, which gives me concerns about his character.

Krystal arrives AKA Miss America. Oh God, is she a life coach too? She’s like if a motivational poster had vocal fry.

Now it’s time for the dramatic entrances. An Old Ford Mustang pulls up AND ITS COPY GIRL, Bekah. BEKAH! She’s obviously overcompensating for the short hair because anyone who watches this show knows that short-haired women have almost the same survival rate as women of color. Don’t get offended! I don’t make the rules!

Moving along, we meet a Kardashian looking Indian, a few more Lauren’s, and some girl who makes him smell her armpits, which I don’t hate. Smart move putting those pheromones on display like that.

Then we meet Annalise, who dresses up as the kissing bandit because that’s Arie’s nickname. he loves it. He can’t stop touching her and he actually licked his lips at one point. Hard gag. 

Oh, look. Another car. An actual F1 car. HOW BOUT DAT. The women start to panic. Time to start attacking one another!

Arie comes inside to greet his “great group of ladies”. Chelsea steals him a nanosecond after his toast is done, The target is now officially on her back. She plays it real cool by deliberately acting mysterious and he falls for it hard. Oh, Arie. You’re too easy. Or is Chelsea too good? Wait, DO I LIKE HER?

Nope, nevermind. F1 chick slides in to steal him away and Chelsea has a giant tantrum. Apparently, she has never seen this show because she can’t believe someone just interrupted her time with Arie. Lady, there are like 30 girls here and Night One is a bloodbath. Everyone knows that.

Britanny gets an unexpected kiss and could almost be considered a top contender for a minute but then she goes on and tells everyone like an IDIOT! They’re all adorned with fake smiles. It’s the best.

Act 5 and they’re all busting out the big moves. Ukulele songs, foot massages, hair flipping.

Kissing Bandit Girl, who is still wearing her mask, is shy about revealing what she looks like because no one knows what the area around her eyes looks like. She played this all wrong because now she has mask marks on her face. Once I went to happy hour after getting a massage and I had a “toilet ring” around my cheeks, so I know how she feels.

It’s time for the first impression rose to be placed on the table and if they could get naked at this point, they would.  

Chelsea does the one thing she was complaining about other people doing and goes in for the interruption. This is clearly the right move because THE KISSING BANDIT STRIKES AGAIN! Arie plants a big one on her and she comes back smiling like the Grinch.

Arie and Bekah have a cute convo on the car. She’s the dark horse. She’s the fun normal girl all the romcom’s tell us we should like but all the guys are too busy looking at the busty blondes.

But the Bachelor lords have other plans for Arie. It’s time to hand out the First Impression rose. He pulls Chelsea aside and gives it to her. Villain status activated.

The Rose Ceremony:

All the Lauren’s painfully wait for him to say their last initial and besides that, there isn’t much drama. We catch a few close-up shots of women we have never seen before in an attempt to wonder if they’ll be chosen. They aren’t. The saddest rejection is Jessica AKA Dead Dad Girl. Her dad met him before he died and he told her Arie was a good guy. Arie, I don’t blame you for dropping her. Stage 5 clinger, if you ask me.

Also, dear God, this ceremony wrapped up in the early AM because poor Jessica is LEGIT doing the walk of shame in the early morning sunlight.  

The other girls have to suffer through exit interviews as well. I’m so disappointed in their behavior.  Do you cry at first dates that go poorly? Do you cry when the guy you talked to at the bar for 10 minutes doesn’t ask for your number? Oh, wait, you do? Well, that’s probably how you ended up here in the first place.

And now the producers show us the art of misleading messages through video editing and give us a sneak peek of the season.

Join me next week as we suffer through the first round of awkward group dates and women showing us why we’ll never advance as a species because we always tear each other down.

XOXO!

What Not to Buy

Ever since I became a mom, my Facebook news feed has changed drastically. Ads that were once lush with restaurant recommendations and boutique clothing stores are now almost entirely geared towards raising tiny humans. Recently, I fell for a clickbait article on Romper called “22 of the Most Genius New Baby and Toddler Products on Amazon”. Then, of course, the tagline read “#7 blew our MINDS!” Ok first off, can we just stop this? No one’s mind is blown away. How simple have we become if the sight of a bath toy blows your mind? If I found out that the author was 2, then yeah, that adds up. Second of all, you do not need 22 baby products. You THINK you need 2,220 baby products, but I am here to tell you that you don’t. Now, while I did find some of these products helpful (Adjustable car seat for all my rear-facing peeps out there) most of these are complete garbage town. So, if you’re an expecting mom and feeling the pressure to buy all the things, let me steer you away from these “mind blowing” products:

  1. A bath divider for your toddler
    In terms of parenting, bath time is an activity that requires the most amount of continuous attention, you know, to avoid accidentally drowning your baby because of Facebook. So, it makes sense that companies create products that make you feel like you’re keeping your baby safe in the bath. This product, however, is not it. If you have a standard-sized porcelain tub and feel anxious about your toddler sliding around during bath time, this storage basket provides an ideal solution reads the blurb. Here’s the thing though: it doesn’t actually prevent your child from sliding around in the tub because it is just a STORAGE BASKET. All it does it go across your tub and hold all the bath time toys someone convinced you to buy. If you really want to keep your kids stuff in arms reach and keep them from sliding all over the place, put your baby in a laundry basket. The water naturally leaks out, your baby stays upright, and the toys are always accessible. Side perk: you get to clean your laundry basket. Win, win.
  2. A No-Slip, No-Tip Bowl that Encourages Independent Eating 
    Oh boy. Ok. Where to start. So… your child will always be messy. Always. There is not a meal they will eat before the age of 4 that won’t end up all over the table and the floor. It’s never going to happen. I could place my child into a large farmhouse sink and serve him dinner inside of it and food would still find its way onto the floor and counter. Their ability to tip the bowl is not the problem. It’s their grubby little hands that are the problem. You would have better luck with a product that puts food into a muzzle around their face than any “no-tip” product out there. (strongly considering creating this btw) So, avoid the disappointment and submit to a life of picking up sticky oatmeal off of the floor.
  3. A Natural Source of Relief for Babies Suffering from Gas and Colic
    Fart stick. This is a fart stick, you guys. Let’s just call it what it is. The Windi is inserted in the same way as a rectal thermometer and provides quick relief by stimulating a muscle responsible for gas release. FART. STICK.
    Now, this product is unsurprisingly made by the same people who brought you the Nose Frida, which my friends have sworn by. (If you’re not familiar, it’s a snot straw) These sickos might be onto something, but at the same time, fighting colic is a losing battle. First of all, gas and colic are the usual suspects every time your baby cries. “Uh oh! He’s crying again? Is he hungry? No? MAYBE IT’S JUST GAS”  This well-intended statement haunted me for the majority of the infant stage as we were constantly troubleshooting why our kid was crying. We practically became stakeholders of Gripe Water. My Little Man will likely win the Tour de France with all of the bicycle kicks we’d make him do. When they are fussy, they are just fussy, and I guarantee that shoving a fart stick up their behind isn’t going to stop them from crying. Fight the urge to buy unnecessary gas products and just get used to feeling guilty about why you can’t make your child happy.
  4. A Powder Coated Steel Diaper Basket that Keeps Odors Away 
    News Flash: poop smells. Doesn’t matter what kind of steel trap you put it, once you open it to put in another poopy diaper, that stank is going to come out. There is not a contraption strong enough to prevent an odor free diaper situation. As someone who has a knock-off diaper genie that we got for $30 (more than half the price of this product), the cost doesn’t end there. You have to keep buying the product specific bags over and over again. All so you can throw them away and buy more. Just woman up and take your trash into the trash bin every night or invest in some Fabreeze Plug-Ins.
  5. A Mesh Bag Feeder that Delivers One Bite of Food at a Time
    Here’s the thing: I bought one of these for my first born, so I am guilty of falling for this trap. While there are some serious pros, like how putting frozen fruit in there can be soothing to a teething baby, there are a lot of cons. First of all, it’s a pain in the ass to clean mashed up fruit from the inside of this mesh bag. It never really felt clean to me. Second, once kids are ready to eat food, you’d be amazed how much they can put away. The whole “one bite at a time” is the worst part of this sell. Who wants to clean and reload this thing after every bite? Finally, it’s so messy. Fruit just runs down their face and onto their clothes all while they are slinging it back and forth and getting more food splatter everywhere. Just buy them a plastic teething ring if they’re cutting teeth and if you’re worried about them choking, just give them tinier bites.
  6. Finger Puppet Toothbrushes that Will Make Your Little One Love Brushing
    Are we gamifying everything? Why do we keep trying to make childhood so enjoyable all the time? Not every single activity they do needs to be drenched in color and song and fun. It’s just brushing teeth! It’s not supposed to be fun. It’s just necessary. Just, go brush your teeth, kid. End of story. No wonder why these poor kids grow up with the attention span of a fruit fly. Also, how long is this going to be fun before it isn’t? Anyone with kids can tell you that you have a good 1.5 weeks with a toy before its old news. You got 10 days of these germ-ridden finger puppets before it’s boring. Then they REALLY won’t want to brush their teeth because its not fun anymore. Just do what I do and use brushing teeth as leverage for a bedtime story. It’s amazing how early you can start threatening your kids, you guys. It’s the most effective parenting weapon I have.
  7. A Detachable Drink Pod that Keeps Drinks Accessible
    “Oh, that’s a good idea!” you’re probably saying. But you’re wrong. I can see why you think it’s a good idea as you think about all the times your kid wants a bottle and you’re not in the position to reach it for them. This could be the solution! Except it’s not. Do you know what a kids second favorite thing to do with a bottle is? Throw it. They throw it on the floor so you can pick it back up. They will not simply put their bottle in this little cup holder that you went out of your way to buy and place on the side of the shopping cart. They are going to throw it on the floor because they love having constant power over you. “Fetch, slave” they say to themselves as you bend over once more. “I am the captain now.” If you want to really avoid this, get a pacifier clip, tie it around the bottle and clip it to their pants. Problem solved and it takes up 1/100th of the space.

If you’ve already bought all of these things, don’t feel bad. You’re just doing your best to keep your little one happy. I am just a frugal old woman who is fed UP with all of the stuff and things and the million pieces of plastic I constantly have to wash.

But if you do buy the Fart Stick, let me know how it goes. Asking for a friend.

Birthday

It was 7:45 in the morning and I had 15 minutes to get to the office with about 10 more minutes left on my commute, but instead of trying to actually get to work early, I was driving into a Kroger parking lot in a real shady neighborhood to get a sheet cake.

Let’s back up here.

I am not a big “birthday” person. I just don’t really get the hullabaloo that goes into it. Like, why is this day more important than another. And on that note, why do you get more than one day? It’s my birthday weekend! Can’t wait for Birthday Week! BIRTHDAY MONTH! How did you become important enough for a whole month? Black people BARELY have a month to remember their ENTIRE HISTORY, but you get a full 30 days because you were born? Seems like a bit much.

My deal with birthdays, however, is not how other people spend theirs. It’s about how I spend mine. I get incredibly insecure around my birthday. I just have this overwhelming feeling that no one really wants to be there. We’re all busy people with social lives. I know that you have better things to do than going out to dinner with me and the random potpourri of friends I have in my life. I can hear you answer your coworker when they ask what you’re up to this weekend, exasperated when you say “I got this birthday thing tonight downtown. I don’t really want to go but we’ll stop by for drinks and then sneak out.” Fine. It’s fine. We’ve all been that person. It’s just that my fear is that EVERYONE at my party feels that way. I can hear it in their voices as we all try to sing Happy Birthday in tune. So, why pressure people into doing something they don’t want to do but feel obligated to do?

I didn’t always feel this way. I used to L O V E my birthday. My dad would call me every morning on his commute to work before I went to school to wish me a Feliz Cumpleaños.  My mom would always make my favorite meal for dinner. I’d get spoiled with presents. I mean, what kid doesn’t love their birthday? The big milestones were always celebrated in large fashion with parties or large outings. During MTV’s heyday of TV programming, My Super Sweet 16 was on air and I decided to have my own Super Sweet 16 party. Since those kids were spoiled rotten trust fund babies and could afford things like a new car or an exotic animal as presents, mine would have to be a little bit different. Instead, I had a trailer park theme and encouraged guests to dress in their best Goodwill studs while they feasted on corn dogs and donuts and drank 40’s of malt liquor out of a paper bag. I even made a grand entrance down the stairwell to the tune of Bossy by Kelis. Did I mention I was turning 23? What a time to be alive!

But after that, birthday’s just seemed unnecessary. Like, who cares that you’re 26? 29? 30 would have been a big one but I was pregnant with my Little Man and visiting family in Detroit, so it was very low key. Plus, people just really don’t care about my birthday. They just don’t! Probably because I lead the way by not acknowledging it, but now it’s like a snake eating its own tail.  I don’t want to hear in their voice that they really wish they could make it but they already have plans, and they don’t want to hear me complain about how my birthday isn’t a big deal anymore. So, let’s just call it a wash.

As for celebrating other people’s birthday, I’m all in but admittedly, I’m really bad at it. Which brings me to the sheet cake.

In my new job, I have become a reporting manager for the first time in my life. This has actually taken some getting used to, especially when she asks me things like if it’s ok to run to CVS during lunch to pick something up.

“Sure, I don’t care,” I’d say, before remembering that she’s actually asking me as a BOSS, not a peer. “Ooooh. Um, yes. Yes, that would be fine.”

She’s wonderful and great at her job, and honestly, I don’t “manage” her at all. But technically speaking I am her boss. Which is why I probably should have done more for her Birthday.

Her coworkers, which are also her friends outside of work, came over to her desk on a day she was out of the office and started putting up streamers and small gifts.

“So, what were you going to do? How do you want to divvy up the responsibilities?” one girl asked.

Uhhhh, what? Responsibilities? I’m supposed to be responsible for her birthday at work?? I didn’t read that in the job description! They obviously had ideas of their own that they were going to do anyway, but were being nice and offering me the chance to be included.

“Right! Because it’s her birthday. And I should probably do something nice for it. Ok. Well, how about I get the cake?”

“Sure,” one responded, hesitantly. “We were going to get her donuts, you know, because that’s her favorite thing, but a cake would be fine.”

“OR! OOOOR…I could get her… hummus? She likes humus. Eats it every day for lunch. Would that work?” I was grasping at straws here.

“Uh, yeah! That’s clever. So you’ll get the hummus and we’ll get cupcakes.”

“Or I mean, I can get her a Bundt cake too, if that works. She’d like that, right? Or both? Do you think both is too much?” This conversation was going nowhere and the niceties weren’t helping.

“Just let me know which one so we don’t overlap,” the coworker said, clearly seeing that I was completely out of my league with this birthday stuff.

So the weekend came and my motherly duties clouded my memory of getting her ANYTHING for her birthday, let alone a bundt cake or humus. Monday morning, it’s the first thing I remembered. Maybe Whole Foods is open? Nope! Ok, ok, what about a bakery on the way? Nuh-uh. Crap. I’ll just go to the Kroger down the street. Oh, what’s this? A semi-truck rolled over at the end of the street, blocking all traffic to that location? COOL! The powers of my GPS took me to another Kroger in a much worse part of town. My options were limited. I could either get 6 cupcakes where the frosting flavor was clearly Red #5 or go all in on a 24 person sheet cake. I opted for the latter and got this:cake

This cake was OFFICIALLY overkill for a girl I have only known for 2 months. This was the definition of overcompensation. The clock was ticking and I had no choice but to walk into the office with this giant declaration of birthday love.

Wow! That’s a big cake you got there! Kathryn’s going to have so much to eat!

I get to her desk and I realize that I probably should have cleared up the whole “who’s bringing dessert” conversation from earlier because it was adorned with donuts AND cupcakes already. I had to push some things around to even make it fit in her cubical. Since she is a complete gem, she was so gracious and genuinely grateful, but NO ONE ate this cake.

IMG_2307

You guys. This is 2 days later! TWO DAYS! There are like 50 people in this office and officially 4 pieces of cake missing! I can’t even get people to participate in the times I celebrate OTHER people’s birthdays. I was ready to throw in the towel and commit to not only abstaining from celebrating my birthday but everyone’s birthday. Oh, you were born 27 years ago today? That’s great. You’ve managed to stay alive. Let’s go to dinner where we can’t hear each other and try to split this bill 15 ways. I was prepared to be a total cynic from this day forward.  Why celebrate something that literally happens to another person every single day around the entire planet? How do we still see this as something special? I felt I had all the ammo I needed and was prepared to be obstinate on this matter.

And then… Adam died.

Adam, this larger than life, hilarious, loud, giving, attention seeking, handsome, competitive SOB, died suddenly and senselessly. He was my best friends boyfriend and never really left our group of friends post break-up. He was even invited to her upcoming wedding, as was his other ex-girlfriend who he was also still good friends with. People who came into Adam’s life rarely left Adam’s life because he cared about keeping relationships.

He also cared about birthdays. And holidays. And made-up holidays, like the anniversary of his business, which he would celebrate annually with a boat party. He would spend a fortune on Halloween costumes or at least put an incredible amount of attention to detail around them. He showed up for people. He was at my birthday gatherings when others weren’t. Despite me being on the “fringe” of his social group, he always showed up when he was invited. Not just for me but for everyone.

As the shock starts to wear off and the sadness sets in, people have flooded his Facebook page with postings, memorializing him. These stories have helped his friends and family come together and start to come to terms with what happened. All of them speak to his love of life and how much he left his mark on this earth. And it’s such a cliché, but it makes us all want to hold each other a bit tighter, laugh harder, live longer, love deeper.

Before someone dies, death feels impossible. After it happens, it feels so imminent. You can either stay indoors forever and live in fear or soak up all the life that is around you.

People celebrate birthdays because it IS a big deal that you’re still alive. You matter. The people who love you matter. And if I have to endure an awkward, out of pitch rendition of Happy Birthday sung around an oversized sheet cake for one day of the year, I’ll take it. I’ll take as much of that as I can get.

Adamxoxo you magnificent ham.

#ad

I am a very skeptical person.  Call it a byproduct of working in recruitment (or HUMAN CAPITAL MANAGEMENT as I like to say when I’m trying to sound like what I do is important, but also, professional human trafficking). I have trust issues with people, especially those that I only really know intimately through my Facebook feed. Are you really having that much fun with your kids right now? Is your husband really your best friend? Did you really eat that entire sub and still have that rocking body (#youdidnoteatthat) It’s not a secret that we usually post the lives that we WANT to have and only sometimes post the lives we REALLY have. I feel like I’m pretty good at taking people’s post with a grain of salt. But there’s one social media movement that I am both scared of and yet, so intrigued by: MLMers.

Multi-Level Marketers.

For those of you who don’t know, Multi-Level Marketing is referral marketing where the company gets consumers to become distributors and they end up being the ones that sell the product or service. It’s also known as a Pyramid Scheme, but don’t tell them that, unless you want a highly impassioned lecture on how it is NOT a pyramid scheme, ok? Other companies, yes, but the one that THEY work for is totally legit and he can show you exactly how much money he has made and not spent working for this company. (Oh, that’s right. I said he. Were you picturing a woman? Lean in, people.)

This sales tactic is nothing new. There’s a good chance someone older in your family either bought or sold Mary Kay or Avon. There’s even one in Edward Scissorhands! What is new is the use of social media to reach a larger audience. As a huge consumer of social media, these posts, requests, and party invites have officially taken up 33% of my feed.

Before we go further, let me just say to the people I know that engage in these sales: Good for you. Good. For. You. You’re getting after it, working that side hustle, putting yourself out there in a way that you never have before, in ways that really get you out of your comfort zone. I *sincerely* applaud that. For realsies.

But the thing is this:

What…. happened to you? Somewhere in the time when you weren’t selling something online to when you starting selling something online, it’s like a bot has taken over your status update. I have never seen a group of people who have never used the word AMAZING before all of a sudden start working for an AMAZING opportunity. And don’t get me started on emojis. Oh, the emojis. Some of these people have never even posted a status update before and suddenly their news feeds mirror holography from ancient Egypt.

When I see these posts written in a way that just seems so… contrived, I start to distrust this whole thing. I just want to privately message these people and say “send me a ghost emoji if this company is forcing you to say these things.” I’m just looking out for their safety. My hunch is that once you sign up, you get an email sent to you with a bunch of pre-written messages that you can update your status with. Am I close? Someone comment with a carrier pigeon emoji if I’m close.

Now, not all MLM’s are created equal. Sometimes, it does Work. It might make Sense to get that lip gloss. I get why they are successful. Here’s what I also know: I am not your target audience. I am not a Stuff and Things kind of person. You’re not likely find anyone more frugal than me. When my battery dies on the remote, I just watch the same channel. Before HDTV, I would just get off the couch and manually change the channels. I did this for months. Either that, or I would just watch DVD’s, until that battery wore out, too.

One time, my phone was so old and so damaged that the only thing I could do was answer incoming calls or use Voice Command. It was an old Blackberry in one of the first iterations of smart phones. If I missed your call, I couldn’t call you back or even text you to tell you that I couldn’t call you back. I would have to use Voice Command and that woman never knew what I was trying to say. (“Call Mom” “Calling Paul” “NO! DON’T CALL PAUL!” “Voicemail”) I made this phone work for another 6 weeks before getting a new one.

I don’t wear lipstick. I hardly wear jewelry. My ears aren’t even pierced. I eat enough fruit and vegetables on my own, so I don’t need that supplement. 95% of my makeup comes from grocery stores. I have never purchased clothes on the internet that have ever looked good on me. I had enough “accountability” in my first recruiting job so I don’t need a group of strangers telling me to do more squats. My kids have enough books. Printed leggings make me look like Brittney Murphy post make over in Clueless. So, unless you start selling a taco and tequila delivery service, I’m probably not going to buy from you. And it’s not you! It’s me. You’re great. I’m the curmogen with naked ears and terrible fashion choices. It’s my fault, not yours.

A big reason that smart and intelligent people join these companies is they actually believe in the product. I get that. I’m basically paying Michael Kors to advertise his purse. Same thing with my Honda CRV. We’re all walking advertisements at this point. So, I can see the slippery slope from being a consumer to becoming a distributor. I have also seen people actually become successful doing it. I’ve met a girl who earned the Mary Kay car at 22 years old. I went to college with a girl who earned the $10K bonus at another MLM. For some people, these emjois are making them serious :money emoji: It’s just that I am not really a person who believes in products.

Until I started using DailyBurn.

OH SNAP! I TOTALLY SNAKED YOU INTO READING THIS WHOLE POST AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I WAS GOING TO SELL YOU SHIT! Now THAT’S how it’s done, people!

Ok ok though, real quick, Dailyburn is an awesome work out app that I started using when I had my 2nd baby and I lost all the baby weight and then some and now I still use it to maintain this mediocre physique while battling post-partum anxiety. I use it enough that they asked me to be an ambassador. I don’t have to recruit people to join my team. I don’t have to ever update any statuses if I don’t want to. But…

If you want to try it out, use my promo code and they’ll throw me a very small, almost insignificant kick back for it.

One more time in case you missed it:  http://bit.ly/2sTnrlg 

The first month is free then it’s $13 a month with no contracts or obligation. I have used many programs on it for different fitness goals. My current program has work outs all under 35 minutes so I can do them at lunch in our company gym. I am literally the person that doesn’t have time to work out and yet I make time to work out, thanks to good ole DB.

THERE! That’s it! That’s all I wanted to say and now we can all come back together and unite in our irritation of getting invited to these damn Jamberry parties.

Seriously though… enough with the Jamberry.

One Step Forward, Two Sh!ts Back

We are in it, you guys. Knee deep in it. We are full-blown potty training and it’s not going well.

Maybe I should clarify a little bit.

We are officially in month 11 of potty training and it is NOT GOING WELL.

If I’m really counting back to the first time we had our Little Man sit on a toilet, we are actually on month 14. So yeah. We’re not doing well.

In terms of parenting milestones, this is officially the most trying and frustrating phase I have dealt with, and I’m including all of the teething, sleep training, and solo parenting phases I have overcome. It’s that hard. Undoubtedly, there is someone reading this thinking, “really? My angels never had an issue with it. Just one weekend of really setting our minds to it and they never had an accident again!” And to those people, I curse at you. I curse loudly at you and I kindly ask you to leave. While you’re add it, take all of the people whose kids slept through the night after 2 weeks with you too, ok? That is not my reality and I just want to be surrounded by the sleepless and frustrated parents who really know what I’m talking about. The Real America, if you will.

To understand why we have failed so miserably at this, you should probably know a few things about the last year of our lives. Through months of analyzing and reflection, I feel comfortable blaming these three things:

1) Constant Change:
Little Man’s been through the ringer this last year. Right before he turned 2 years old, we made him a big brother after taking his daddy away for the better part of 2015. After his birthday, he moved into the Big Toddlers classroom at daycare. During that time, they sent home a note on what to expect with this change in classrooms.
Our Big Toddlers are growing up! In addition to moving away from sippy cups and drinking out of open Dixie Cups, we will also be having them use the Potty! Please supply your child’s cubby with Pull-Ups and an extra pair of clothes in case of an accident.
Now, for most people, the daycare doing the heavy lifting on potty training is why you spent 40% of your income sending them there, but for me, I was worried.
“Look,” I said, “My kid’s been through a lot this year. His dad is away, he has a new brother, this is a new class… let’s not rush the potty training just yet. I’m worried it’s all too much for him.”
The thoughtful 20 something who was basically raising my child ensured me that they wouldn’t do anything he was uncomfortable with and that if I needed him to still be in diapers for a bit longer, that’d be fine. Under my mom’s pressur… er… encouragement, we did get him Pull-Up’s and an adorable tiny toilet that looked exactly like a real toilet. It even made a flushing sound when you pushed the handle down. ADORBS! I was starting to get into it and was ready to commit.
Then John came home. Then we pulled Little Man out of daycare. Then we put him in a big boy bed. This poor kid couldn’t keep up with all of the changes we were throwing his way. I didn’t want to pressure him too much to get potty trained because I felt like I was going to break his brain.
“He’s going to be one of those kids that plays with his poop and smears it all over the wall to regain control of his life!” I would say. This was my absolute biggest fear. I could see myself on my hands and knees, scrubbing his feces off the wall with bleach while he cowered in shame. I was determined not to create a feces-smearing child. Kids are weird enough with poop. He was already hiding every time he would do it. In the morning, like clockwork, we would hear him slam the door. Well, why wouldn’t you just take him to the bathroom then? Is what you well-meaning people are thinking. Yeah. Good luck. Kid would go into an epic meltdown if you entered his room before he was done. Then, trying to pin him down to change his diaper was another battle.
“He’s just not ready yet, honey” my husband would say. “Let’s just give him more time.” And that’s pretty much how we handled his life as a two year old. Sometimes he would pee in his potty. Most of the time, he wouldn’t. We stopped paying too much attention to it. But then, event number 2 happened.

2) A Sick Child:
In February of this year, we put our house on the market. Our real estate agent suggesting getting out of town during the first weekend since keeping a clean home with 2 kids under 3 would be “challenging”. We booked a staycation at a nice resort outside of Austin (seriously, if you’re not using hotwire.com for hotels, you’re basically just burning your money). It was a terrible weekend for a million reasons that I’ll either not get into at all or get into later, but if for no other reason, it was terrible because that’s probably where my son got Ecoli. We took him to the indoor pool and having never given him swimming lessons before (I swear, we are good parents) he didn’t understand that you don’t drink the water in the pool. He swallowed a mouthful of it, coughed most of it up, and we called it a night. The next day, he had some nasty diarrhea.
Before we go any further, if you’re not a fan of hearing about poop and/or vomit in fine detail, you should probably exit out of here.
As I was saying, he had some real bad runs. Beyond runs. Pure liquid. I even think about the “pool water cocktail” being a factor at that point and just thought he ate too much fruit. We checked-out and went home and made him some oatmeal. That night, he came in our room crying. I thought it was just a nightmare and he let him crawl into our bed. A few minutes later, and he threw up everywhere. A more accurate depiction is that he coughed up solid food. We stripped the bed and disrobed him. When I went in his room, I discovered the same scene in his bed. It was weird. Maybe it was something we ate? About a month earlier, our household got a bad case of the stomach flu. It was a 24 hour bug. Could it have returned?
The next 6 weeks are a blur of diarrhea, night time vomiting, phone calls with nurses, visits with doctors, frantic internet searching, and everyone who should have known better telling me that Little Man just had a virus and I should wait it out while keeping him hydrated. Finally, after our son lost 10% of his body weight, and our pediatrician admitted she had no idea what was wrong, we checked into the Children’s hospital.
A quick side note about healthcare: our current healthcare system is not designed to help you find a diagnosis. It is designed to help fix the problem right in front of them and to treat the symptoms. Case in point, because our son was so dehydrated and bloated when we arrived, his scans showed a semi-obstructed bowel. I was initially thrilled because I thought that meant we knew what was causing this. As it turns out, that just told doctors that our son was constipated. So, the entire first two days, they were trying to treat CONSTIPATION. Even though we told EVERYONE there that he had diarrhea for six straight weeks. It wasn’t until an NP told me exactly what “semi-obstructed bowel” meant that I asked “How does that explain his constant diarrhea?” and she actually stared blankly into my eyes and I could see she was thinking “oh. Riiiiiiiight. Yeah. Um, it doesn’t. Back to the drawing board!”
Short story long, after 6 nights in the hospital, they decided to treat him for Giardia. We put him on antibiotics for the next month and his condition vastly improved. Then we found out that he didn’t have Giardia but Enteropathogenic E. coli. Same difference, right?!? The point is, for months, pooping was the scariest thing in the world for LM and he closely associated it with being sick and in the hospital. So, once again, the ole potty training business was put on hold. After all, we were getting ready to sell our home and move across the country, which brings us to reason number three:

3) Lack of Structure:
This is where I will take ownership for my part in my son not being potty trained. Although the last year was tremendously difficult and stressful, I was the one that shied away at every turn. His first daycare pretty much offered to do it for me and I declined because I was worried what it would do to him. Um, it would have potty trained him! And yes, his illness certainly made things worse, but once he was getting better, we didn’t want to rush him back into the toilet routine. We’d casually say “do you want to try to sit down on the toilet?” to which he would respond “no thank you” and we’d just stop right there.
But with all of the change, we did say that once we got moved into our new house, we’d really start sticking to it. We kept telling him that there were no diapers allowed in the new house and that he’d have no choice but to use the toilet. Again, I think we just expected that he would just start doing it on his own because we didn’t want to “rush” him into it. Turns out kids don’t work like that! They will always do what they can get away with, and right now, he was getting away with us cleaning up his shit for him every day.
So what did we finally do? Something that my husband suggested back when we were only pregnant that I was completely horrified by: Putting him in the backyard naked. “That way, when he poops or pees, he’ll be so grossed out he won’t want to do it anymore and he’ll just use the toilet,” is how my husband teed it up. That’s not exactly how it works, but it did show him what it looks like and feels like to have to go to the bathroom. Did we have a child that only wanted to pee outside for a while? Absolutely, we did. Small price to pay. When he was inside and had to poop, we would catch him before he hid. Then finally, like all men, he thought pooping was really funny and cool. So, he finally got into it. We were doing it! It was actually working!
And THEN we put him back in daycare. Accidents came back. All progressed regressed. Hiding continued. Underwear and clothes were ruined.
Can I live??? Can I catch a freakin’ break! How have I done so poorly at this! Nothing has made me feel more like an unequipped parent than having an un-potty trained 3 year old. Managing rage and frustration was so hard every time he would waddle up to me with urine soaked clothes. I’d love to say I never yelled or made him feel bad. I’d even love to say that I didn’t let him eat whatever candy or junk food he wanted when he did finally use the toilet again. I was a complete prisoner to his bathroom schedule. I was full blown negotiating with this terrorist. I felt this would be the case forever and I’d always have to explain to people why my 5 year old can’t go use the toilet like everyone else.
I thought this would be the case, but then things started getting better. I’d pick him up from school and he would be in the same shorts and no report of an accident. He’d come home and use the bathroom when necessary. He even woke up the other night and went to the bathroom all on his own. And I guess, all of a sudden, we have a mostly potty trained child. Hell has seemingly frozen over.

Now, if only he could learn to wipe his own ass.