Kick Off Your Shoes!

It’s the first decision I made when we got home from the hospital with our new little Meatwad: It’s time for this to be a shoeless house.

In the weeks leading up to Meatwad’s arrival, my nesting urges made me a crazy OCD cleaner.  I scrubbed before the cleaning service came over and would even tidy up after they left.  I wanted the house to look perfect for my husbands arrival, but also, I wanted to return to a pristine home when we brought the little guy back from the hospital.  What I got instead was a slightly lived-in home with a bit of clutter courtesy of my parents, who came to help out.  Prepping myself on the way home, I promised my husband that I would take it easy, actually let people take care of me and allow my mom to worry about cooking and cleaning.  That promise lasted all of 5 minutes.  No sooner was the car seat carrier on the floor that I had the overwhelming urge to clean up, put things away, and throw out all of the half-eaten leftovers that were in the refrigerator.  “Stop cleaning up!” my mom said, urging me to just go to sleep.  “But I neeeeeeed to do this, Mom!”  I could see I was upsetting her but all I could see was dust, mess, and most of all, footprints on the floor.  “That’s it!  We are going shoe free.  It’s happening.  NO MORE SHOES IN THE HOUSE!”

This declaration was something that I have been thinking about for a while.  Growing up, our house was always “shoe-free”.  Most people I knew did the same thing.  But here in Texas, you never know!  The difference is that in the midwest, most homes have carpet throughout the house.  In Texas, it’s usually tile or hardwood/laminate.  It takes a particularly bold person to just assume they can wear their dirty shoes on someones white or pale-colored carpet, but in Texas, you don’t think twice about walking through someone’s living room with your shoes on.  The foyer is typically the same flooring as the rest of the house so there is no clear threshold where you are supposed to take off your shoes.  And this leads me to my current conundrum:

How do I tell people to take off their freakin’ shoes when they come inside my house??

My husband came up with a plan for this immediately.  First, it should be noted that no one likes spending money more than my husband when he is on leave from Army.  I think he feels like a wrongfully imprisoned aristocrat and when he breaks loose, he just wants to buy himself all of the luxuries he was denied while in the clink.  Seizing this opportunity, he went to BBOB (Bed Bath and Beyond for the lay folk)  to buy a shoe rack and then to Academy Sports to buy House Shoes.  “See?  You just put the shoe rack by the door and then offer guests these slippers they can wear in the house!”  He was so proud, but I was already getting nervous about how this would go down.  Welcome, Friend!  Please stow your shoes to the left.  You will find a complimentary pair of slippers in this box for you to enjoy whilst in our home!  Please return these upon departure!  Thank you and have a wonderful day!  

We were first tested about a week after the baby was born when some girlfriends came over for dinner.  We had a pep talk before they arrived. “Ok, guys.  We are doing this.  No backing out! Everyone put your slippers on!” But even though we were strong in our no-shoe conviction, no one wanted to actually mention it to our guests.  “Maybe they will just notice we aren’t wearing any shoes and they will follow suit,” my husband said optimistically.  I wasn’t as convinced.  My girlfriends take a lot of pride in their shoe choices and I couldn’t see them giving them up so easily.

Of course, I was right.  No one took off their shoes.  My mom stayed in the family room watching TV while we ate in the dining room and every time we would catch eyes, I could see what she was thinking.  “Say something to them!”  “No Mom!” my eyes would say back.  The night ended in utter defeat as our hard work of cleaning the floors and designing our shoe display went unnoticed.

We had more guests through the week and my husband was a little more forthright but still not assertive enough.  Once he said “you can put your shoes over here!” but it was usually after they had already taken a lap around the family room.  Some other guests did notice eventually and would slip them off mid-visit, but never upon entry.  Each visit I would tell myself to stop being so nervous and just tell people that I don’t want shoes in the house.  But doesn’t that sound so…so… bitchy?  “Oh, I’m sorry, but we’re not wearing shoes in the house anymore, mmk? Thanks.”  It’s like when your friend becomes a vegan and can’t stop telling you about how terrible animal cruelty is all the time.  How annoying, right?  I’m trying to eat here!

Deep down, I know why this is hard for me and it became so obvious to me when I recently went to a girlfriends house for dinner.  I took a tour of her new place, hung out in the kitchen, circled around to the bathroom a few times, and shortly after dinner got my things as I was ready to leave.  That’s when I saw it: the shoe rack, all of the shoes in it, and my friend standing there, barefoot.  She had a shoeless home too and I missed all the signs.  I’m the big jerk that prances arounds people’s houses with my shoes on and traffics dirt and germs all over the place.  How can I expect people to do the same when I can’t even face the (wo)man in the mirror?

So, just like the late great Michael Jackson, I’m starting with me.  It’s shoes off from here on out.  And if you’re coming over to my place anytime soon, please see yourself to the shoe rack to the right and kindly pick out a complimentary pair of house shoes.