Onward

Very late last night, when I should have been in bed but couldn’t get myself off the couch, my son woke up from a nightmare. He’d fallen asleep on the floor of his room with the door open so I could hear him clearly as he started crying, screaming “No! No! No! No! No!” I ran to pick him off the floor, fearing that he would lash out at me in confusion, but he hugged me instantly and just kept crying.

“Shhhuusshh Shhhhuusssh. Mommy’s here. I’m right here,” I said, comforting him until his breathing slowed down. I slowly put him back in his bed and crawled in with him.

“It’s gonna be ok. It’s all gonna be ok. It will all be ok.”

I said this over and over again as I stroked his hair across his forehead and watched him fall back asleep.

“It’s all going to be ok.”

I stayed in bed longer than I needed to, realizing that I was actually the one who needed comfort, not him. Maybe his nightmare was my nightmare and if I just stayed with him until we both woke up, we’d realize it was all just a terrible dream.

Donald Trump is the next president of the United States.

Earlier that day, I was electric. My Little Man was getting ready with me in the bathroom because he loves watching me do make up and recently, he started asking for his own bag so he can do make up too. This terrifies my mother, I’m sure, but he’s actually gotten pretty good at it! Arguably better then me, sometimes! 

“Today is a special day,” I exclaimed.

“Yeah, special day!”

“Today, history is going to be made,” I assured him. 

“Yeah!” He had no clue what I was talking about. Clearly, I didn’t either.

This morning, he greeted me with a big hug. I started tearing up.

“Mommy’s sad?” he asked.

“Yes, mommy’s sad.”

“I’m sad too. I cry for mommy, and for daddy, and for Lauren, and for Edgar” (*two of our friends). Again, he had no idea what we were talking about but his words rang true.

We were both sad for everyone, even if I was the only one who knew why.

If you haven’t guessed it by now, I am a bleeding heart liberal. My bleeding heart is for those who have fought for equality in a society that systemically tries to keep women and minorities down. My bleeding heart comes with an understanding that the color of my skin and the life lottery of being born into the middle class give me more privilege than I will ever understand. It comes from knowing that you can’t just fight for your own special interests because a divided nation is not sustainable. It comes from a sense of social justice that has been ingrained me in since I can remember.

Today, I feel like I am a minority in this fight and I’m trying to get right with those who don’t have the same world view. 

I don’t want to go back and forth about policies and emails and establishments vs outsiders and all the reasons people voted the way they did. It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m here to tell you why all of my bleeding heart liberals are heartbroken.

We’re not sad because our team lost. This isn’t a football game.

We aren’t sad because we didn’t see a women win the highest office in our country, though it stings.

We aren’t sad because we’re sore losers. 

We’re sad because Donald Trump winning means that nearly the majority of the country gave him a pass on everything he said and did just to ensure their spot on the totem pole.

We’re sad because you heard him call Mexicans rapists and murderers and didn’t care.

We’re sad because you heard him say that we should do more stop and frisk in the inner cities (AKA black people) and you didn’t disagree.

We’re sad because you weren’t surprised to hear him say those disgusting things about women and how he treats them, then disregarded claims of the women he assaulted.

We’re sad because you judge people on food stamps because it comes out of your tax dollars while cheering him on for not paying his taxes.

We’re sad because it doesn’t bother you that gay rights and women’s rights are now in grave danger.

We’re sad because you would actually turn away a family of Syrian refugees that are trying to escape ISIS the same way that you would be. 

We’re sad because you think that all of these things equate to the lesser of two evils.

So you voted for the lesser of two evils. But by doing that, you were silently agreeing that all those horrible things that he said and did are ok. And that’s what I can’t get right with.

See, this is personal to me. This election wasn’t about fiscal responsibility or trade agreements or the usual Republican platform. This election was about people and which people matter in this country. You have said that you have been angry and feeling ignored for years and we should have take your anger seriously. Can you just stop and appreciate for a second that this feeling you were having, this feeling of being overlooked and uncared for by your own government, is exactly how minorities have literally felt forever? Just think about that. You endured what others have spent centuries experiencing and you get to throw a tantrum loud enough to threaten our democracy. 

So while you were out fighting for your right to return to your natural place on the totem pole, we were fighting for equality. We were fighting that Black Lives Matter and Women’s Rights are Human Rights and to love and accept our neighbors and for more gun safety so we stop killing one another. But for you, this was about seizing back control of something you felt was owed to you.

But here’s the thing, I don’t want to believe that about you.  

I want to believe that you understand that Syrian refugees just want to experience the same safe feeling you have when you go to sleep at night. I want to believe that you do see that racism still exists and that Black Lives Matter BECAUSE All Lives Matter but we’ve historically done a really shitty job with Black Lives in this country. I want to believe that you aren’t afraid that your whiteness and your masculinity and your “Americaness” are at risk because the country is evolving and becoming more diverse. I don’t want to believe that you did this because you were afraid that you were losing your spot on the totem pole. 

I want to believe that we didn’t just set our social progress back 50 years.

So tell me I’m wrong. Please, please, please tell me I’m wrong. Tell me that’s not why you did this. I have to believe that we agree on some of these fundamental truths. I so desperately need to hear that you hate that he said and did those things but you felt like you didn’t have a choice. I need to hear that you’re open to listen and work together with people who disagree with you and that you’re willing to open your mind and your heart to the idea that we really are a stronger nation when we are a diverse nation. That you now see how important education is. That you may have elected him but you’ll denounce the racist, sexist, xenophobic base that carried him across the finish line. 

I need to know this so I can forgive this situation and move on. 

But here’s what you need to know:

I also want to thank you. I have been complacent for too long. I have stood in silent solidarity when I should have been shouting and fighting and acting out. I have learned from you that stewing and trolling and commiserating isn’t enough. It’s about action. And starting now, I’m done being complacent. Soon, I will be an active participant in this democracy and I won’t do this quietly. I will stand up and be an ally to my peers who don’t have my complexion or status or heterosexuality because I still believe we are stronger together. 

But tonight, I’ll grieve. I’ll cry one more time. I’ll curse Nate Silver and swear off social media for a while and then rest up.

Tomorrow… onward.